January 31, 2010
Well, here goes...! I have no idea how this blog thing works on MyRecoverySpace but I suppose after this we shall find out. Anyways, I attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings near my house in San Francisco. Actually, the place is wonderfully, really. The Dry Dock. One of my meetings is just really great so I'm really lucky to have it. I've always struggled with eating problems and now I have OA and my fellow members to help me, but the Dry Dock only has two meetings a week! It's better than nothing, no doubt, but it's not enough for me especially when I'm struggling.
I moved back from rehab back in December. I was there for 16 months and surely enough when I was there I struggled with my weight and what not but it wasn't the same. This was probably because I was in an environment where I knew I didn't have to impress anyone else or myself (and I had some serious problems I needed to confront). But it was there, nonetheless. I moved back here and everything was pretty good with it. I wasn't very thin but I had lost some weight and felt good about it in the way that one should. What it looks like now is that for the past week or so I had eaten almost nothing, except for some things here and there if I was in some social situation where I couldn't get away with it or where it would have been extremely rude (damn manners sometimes get in the way of my progress!). And for the weeks before last, I was overeating like a mad cow. I had made some precautionary med changes and in turn for my mental health I ate like I was going to die the next day! Awful, awful, awful! I resented myself so much... I ate every bite almost trying to spite myself and anyone else. God knows who exactly it was that I was trying to spite (second thought, my mother is one! lots of tension between us in the subject) but clearly I wasn't making the right decision. So soon thereafter I began abusing my stimulant medications to alter my appetite.
When I eat at home, I eat in secret. I treat food almost the same way I treated doing drugs in my house. Wait till mum and dad are in bed, wait till she has a client, etc. My ears become alert and perked up listening for any faint sound that would tell me someone is coming. And then charge! I run and throw the s**t away. It feels so embarrassing acknowledging these eating habits of mine... because I know they're not the eating habits of most people... therefore they aren't normal. I've noticed this much more since I've been back from rehab. I don't think I thought anything of my eating problems before rehab, but once I had met friends of mine who had problems with it as well I began to think about it.
I have desperately wanted to go to the store to buy laxatives. I always think "oh, this friend in treatment made laxatives out to really work" but then I try to scare myself out of it by thinking about that scene in Nip/Tuck when Sean's LA girlfriend s**t. herself in the hot tub... But I don't think this is going to last too long. I have been researching diet pills and actually went to the store the other day and tried to find some. I can't describe it. I'm just desperate as h*ll? to find an "aid" to my progress. Caffeine pills, water diet, weight journal, etc. I've done all of those. I used to weigh myself everyday, take my measurements, and draw a diagram of all the things on my body that I didn't like and wanted to change. Two days ago my mindset suddenly switched like a light and I ran to the store and bought a package of bacon. I polished off all 24 pieces of bacon, and later that day had 4 grilled cheese sandwiches. With mayo. I'm still furious. Anyways, I'm just rambling on, but I suppose that's what I need.
I guess I just need help with this eating disorder thing in general. I'm actually surprised as h*ll? that I've even called one of the women from my OA meeting when I was struggling because I've felt too ashamed, weak, amateur, and scared to make any move, really. At my fourth meeting I finally spoke up and I was still scared, but hey, at least I did it. I just hope I made any sense. I've bought OA literature online. It's really weird because part of me knows my behavior and my thinking are a problem and really wants to change my life around, yet the other part of me doesn't care if it's a problem and just wants to continue it. But for the time being, I'm feeling really motivated to learn more about my disease.
I really want to create a meal plan for myself because I have so many trigger foods and for the painful fact that I can't handle food. Period. I would really like to hear about how any of y'all have gone about this... I'm even having a hard time wanting to be honest with myself about which foods are really problematic for me. It's just hard. If anyone could tell me about how they went about their first few steps in the program that would be fabulous. The help is much needed!
Tags: Anorexia Bulimia Restricting Addiction Struggles Overeating Food Addi
