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Viewing 1 - 7 out of 7 Blogs.
In MY WREAKAGE that I have to deal with, making ammends. Can it be done a RIGHT WAY? Is there a right or wrong way? I think in this program we all take in what we need and leave the rest. What I take out of it is for me, and the person sitting next to me gets out of it is theirs. When I went to Intensive Out Patient Treatment, I remember reading about this in one of the many books we read; When we work any of the steps it was important to remember that each one of us would experience a different outcome. I can't quote it as well as anyof you do. Like finding our Higher Power it would be different for each one of us. I have worked all the steps, and I sunk right back into relapse in the terms of Co-dependancey (for lack of better deffinition). I went to Court today trying to make ammends for the damage I caused, the lies I have told, for my caziness in my behavior. Before going within an hour, I am getting txt'd with full explanation to the extint of the damage I have done. I DO KNOW AND FULLY UNDERSTAND THE DAMAGE I HAVE DONE. But, the txting wouldn't stop, then it became phone calls, and I fell right back to a place I never wanted to see again. When I got home from Court, I layed on my couch and an hour or so later listened to my messages. As I am listening to the message, yelling at me, I am thinking , this person has been in and out of the Program, I am thinking that this person would have the education of the Program to understand (alittle better) that I was doing what turns out the Only thing I can do to correct my wrongs. MY WREAKAGE. Then that is when I heard it again, "I RUINED HIS LIFE", "I RUINED HIS LIFE", "I RUINED HIS LIFE". It just kept ringing in my head that it was ME that "RUINED HIS LIFE". ??? I remembered then what I was taut in treatment their may be some that won't be able to accept your ammends. Or apoligie, or just won't be able to accept it. I don't know why, and I don't know if this is a cold thought but what came to my mind is just this: I DID NOT TAKE AWAY HIS AIR, TO BREATH. I DID NOT TAKE AWAY HIS LEGS, SO HE COULDN'T WALK. I DID NOT TAKE AWAY HIS ARMS, SO HE COULD NOT EAT. I DID NOT CUT OUT IS HEART, SO IT COULD NO LONGER FEEL. I realized I did not "RUIN HIS LIFE" I did however, create some damage in his life. I don't pretend to understand all of it. If everything is dismissed, this person tells me it still stays on their record. TRUE OR FALSE, I don't know. I am working the Program, I am working MY steps. I am SORRY FOR WHAT I DID. The ONLY option I have to correct this I am doing. But, thats all I can do. And I don't feel quilty about it anymore. So, lesson learned: IT IS TRUE WHEN THEY SAY "YOU MAY HEAR SOMETHING THAT YOU MIGHT FILE AWAY, FROM A MTG, TREATMENT, ETC. and one day it will ring out and it will make sense." Another lesson learned: DON'T EVER BE AFRAID TO WORK YOUR STEPS HONESTLY AND FORTH RIGHT. But, remember when you are working your steps you can't be afraid that some may not be able to accept it. If you are sincere with the step you are working then be proud of that. As I write this I am telling all this to myself, but I am just sharing. GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CAN NOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN , AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. I think we all have to deal with our own wreakage, and maybe not. But, I am proud of what I am doing. Trying to make it right. And I am sorry for what I have done. But, it is time for me to let go of the pain, the quilt, the sorrow. And Pray for this person so the pain I cause will become less, less painful. jackie
To Will it All to God; I made a Promise this weekend to myself, most all of the weekend was texting and reading the Bible. Interesting combination. It kept me calm, gave me insight to understanding (alot of things), and it kept me clear of all anger. It was a weekend I think of feeling every possible emotion. Scared, happy, frustrated, calm, serene, tired, depressed, even deeper depression, I literally forced myself off the couch and took care of my most wonderful companion, my dog! Then being lite headed I thought I hadn't eaten, so got some food, didn't eat much, but it was something. Then got to this site,!!!!!! :) I finally uploaded my real pic, (that is just a fear thing with me) and then I updated my profile to the truth, with the exception of the start of my story, I started mixing drinks when I was about 4 yrs old, climbing up on a ricketey 3 ft. wooden step later. I think my first definition to a word was the word "schosh" and a second definition to the word "splash". Instructions to mixing the drinks. This was a typical Friday night event poker and me being the drink getter, and watching the fights. Saturday was a repeat with the exception of I learned how to dance from the Laurence Welk Show, and my aunts and uncles. There is the start to my story. After this weekend, by Sunday I decided I can not do this anymore, I can't. I even feel my morals were compromised and not by me. What a horrible feeling, (its one thing when we do it ourselves and somehow justify it to make it right) But, when someone else does it and you are so blind to the fact that it is actually happening. Well WOW, what a different feeling that is. I made some choices, I made some calls, and ended up leaving messages. But, I tried again to correct these wrongs. After loging off this site, and feeling like I have made the right choices, (making these corrections, and hopefully accepting my apoligies). I brushed myself off (literally) and got down on my knees and Prayed to God, and made a Promise to myself with Him as my witness. EVERY MORNING I will Pray to God, #1) For Being Grateful, #2) Thanking God for taking on All my problems that are too much for me to bare, and what ever else I need to Pray about, or for another, etc. AND I DID IT. MY FIRST PROMISE, I DID IT I think it felt so good this morning, that I Prayed again in the shower, and I Prayed again in the truck on my way to work, to me for the First Promise it FELT WONDERFUL !!!! And difficult to explain or even understand, I wasn't surprized when it worked; I LET GO AND LET GOD AND I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW GOOOOOD IT FEEEELLSSSS, I am teary eyed from being Happy, the feeling of the warmth of Gods arms around me !!!!! I just wanted to SHARE this wonder GROUND MOVING EXPERIENCE. I owe most of this to this site, meaning ALL OF YOU, And to God for guiding me in this direction at this right moment. Now, I know not everyday will be a WONDERFUL DAY; But, it shows me I can do it, and I can see where I can turn this into a wonderful habit !!! I still have some serious issues I have to deal with, But, I know I'm truely not alone now, and it isn't scary anymore. I know there is still Sadness in my Heart, but God will guide me to what I need to do and or not do. I went to a meeting today at work and I am listening to the person speaking, and it was like God was answering some of my questions (that I talked to Him earlier about) And I found myself actually staring at the person talking, It did not shock me or surprize me but I knew it was God answering me! It was a wonderful feeling that I was aware that this oppurtunity was there, and that I really LET GOD IN MY HEART !!!! &nb sp; wow......thank U. Thanks for letting me share this with ALL OF U, THIS SPIRTUAL AWAKENING THAT HAPPENS AT ANY MOMENT !!!!! LUV U, jackie
Tags: Enthusiastic
Rarely Have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.. There are such unfortunates. THEY ARE NOT AT FAULT; There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental desorders. I am first a Co-dependant, then a pharmasudical junkie, and a love of Marijuania. I have read many self help books for being a co-dependant, I look back at it now 18 years later and I also think "what a load of crap". But, when I really look beyond the surface, those self help books probably saved my life. Then the pills and marijuania, Which wasn't all that long ago, I fell into a deep depresion and just didn't care anymore. Then a old friend contacted me and without him realizing it he saved my life. He prevented my life leading into my youngest son coming home from school finding me dead from an overdose. He gave me a reason to live. I don't think I ever thanked him literally for "saving my life". I have fought with depression all my life, I see that now. It was suggested that I read chapter 5 out of the BB. And I made it thru the first paragraph and couldn't not quite crying. It made more sense to me today, and hit so close to home with me, and touched my heart and soul with more understanding than any co-dependancy book, or any shrink, ever did. I did continue reading the rest of the chapter, and again I realized I never really "thourghly followed the path of this simple program". I also realized I never fully handed everything over to God. I have been making ammends with all my wrongs. I have been asking for forgiveness, I have been asking for guidence. But, even while doing this I was thinking in the back of my mind "I wonder if I have enough pills that would do it". I never did, God has a plan for me, I just don't know what. "God will not give us more than what we can handle", I really thought I couldn't handle my life any more. I have been told and have also heard this in mtg's that the addiction to Alcohol is the worst, for one the obvious, it is legal, it is anywhere and everywhere, it is so accepted by society. But, is co-dependancy an addiction? Does it even really exist? Or: "there are those, too, who suffer grave emotional and mental disorders". Or are all addictions the same? In recovery they tell you to change your friends, change the habits, change the hangouts, etc. (you know what I mean) But, how can you change your every day emotional character of our soul? How do you change your emotional hangouts, etc. Well, we can, it can be done. "those who have thouroughly followed our path." I swear sometimes this site is so in tune with my needs it is like you guys are in my head. I am not co-dependant, I am a caring person. I am not controling, I make suggestions, I don't pretend to be a physicologist, I am just a good listener. I am not crazy, because I talk to myself, (I mean really who doesn't do that). When we love someone, we want to help, just not to the point where it is going to hurt ourselves. I am growing, I am recovering from my own addictions, But, I am also recovering from the addiction of the love of my life. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME A CO-DEPENDANT. Try as I might, I want to Let Go Let God, I pray to Him for his guidence, I will continuing praying morning, noon, and nite! And I will thouroughly give myself to this simple program, for if I don't I know I will die. It is back to one day at a time for me, back to my first step, and back to Really handing this over to God. No, more anger, no more sadness, no more loneliness (I have God with me) no more hate, no more. Thank you for being here, again, yesterday, today and tomorrow!
Tags: Lonely
The weekend has been good, even tho I had too work. I went out on a date, set up by a friend. I am sooo not ready. I realized in the first few minutes that I still miss my ex husband and my best friend. He moved out in April, it was hell ever since, even all the back and forth we did. But, I do I still miss him terribly. I don't hate him, I hate what he did, and the things he accused me of, (none of which were true). But his jealousy turned to rage, and well it don't matter. I still miss him. Like that movie 28 days, I so get that, He left a plant behind and I have managed to bring it back to life and it is blooming and when I care for that dang plant now I actually see myself, (I think this is healthy) Like u all suggested it is time to take care of myself. So, I kinda feel like I am nuturing myself, and I hope he is getting well also. I wish I could go back in time (without my anger which is fear) and tell him that. But, I know I would just want to hug him and have him just hold me and not let go. But, we can't force anyone to love us can we. I am so still in love with him. And that still hurts. I guess I won't be going out on a date for awhile longer. How much time I need is not an issue. I will just keep pouring myself into my job, dog and plant. It seems that is all I have that is making me hang on. I so can relate to the "hanging onto survival by a thread". right now. But, with God and prayers and the few things I do have to keep me hanging on is enough for now. Being a thinker I fall into that false hope of the "what ifs" if he got well could we, if I get well could we, He gave me Plenty of false hope thru those last monthes, but I do honestly still feel the "hope" part. I look back and I really have never been this "in love" if you will, I still feel him sometimes. That mushy soulmate crap, now see here comes that distrust feeling, I feel he has crushed any part of me trusting or loving (in love) again. I left work early today because I just couldn't shake this feeling of loss, and feeling like without him my life is over and has no meaning. I know I need an alanon mtg bad. But sometimes it is better for me to just cry and feel the loss, then go to a mtg. It is January tho, thats what 9 monthes? And all this pain feels like it all happened yesterday. It was never this long before? Even packing up all the reminders and boxing them up, closed with duct tape, and stored in garage didn't help. I still wonder sometimes if I did enough when we were still married, "for better or worse". I know he needs help but even forcing it on him thru the court issues, I feel that no one else was even going to try and help him, family, or his friends. So, thru the courts he is or will be forced to with the counseling. Is this my Co-dependency? I have the option of pulling back the charges, but will that cure my Co-dependency actions in all this? I never saw anyone around him that was willing to help him, I felt his loneliness, So, I guess now that I am reading what I'm writing I (co-dependency) was forcing the help, thru the charges. Being lonely, and depressed is exhuasting. But my feelings are what they are and I can't just barie them, that won't help me. He used to say "It is what it is" it certainly fits here. thks.
Tags: Lonely
I am so tired of my days being so up and down... Will it ever stop.? Am I just CRAZY. I'm so flippin' tired. It was frustrating just picking the "mood" I'm in... I am tired of having to put a fake smile on my face when dealing with stupidity. (I know patience). I found the day becoming more and more difficult to deal with. Or the people around me. There was too many people that did not show up for work, and it is my responsablility to cover when people are gone. I found myself calming others down, "just do one job at a time" if it gets to overwhelming come get me". (Practise what I preach, right?) Whatever, maybe I'm angry, at what? Then to top it off, I get a call from the Prosecuting attorney and he wants my input on the offer to my ex. ? I can't, don't want to be part of "sentencing" him. The more he said the more I just didn't care, I finally told him increase the footage to 1000 ft. and the min. of 1 yr of DV counseling. Or we just go to trial. I just want it over with. Then it wasn't an hour later and I found myself in a conversation about "we all need to leave and go have a drink". My comment was "Hey, I'm off probation" so I can go. Alcohol is not my drug of choice, I can take it or leave it, But, in all honesty I was actually thinking of smokn' and crushing up some pills. Its creeping up that stinkn' thinkn', isn't going to make all my troubles go away. I know that. Another thing howcome they don't have a "alltheabove" in the Mood drop down. They really should for us crazies. I want to go get in line for the "TRADE YOUR LIFE IN HERE". I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.... First thing this am. at work I had to sign a letter stating I acknowledge the Protection Order and will not purposely go into my ex's area. You idoits I know that I have been going all the way around his area, I have been bringing excorts with me when I even have to go near his area. In my position at work sometimes I have no choice. I can't send anyone else. I didn't attack him, he attacked me. He's the one not in compliance with the courts. So, theres angry. Then disappointed with the company I work for. Fake happiness does that really count? Then there is lonely, because I feel like no one is on my side. Now there is just tired and sad. Then the "hamsters" in my head just won't quit. I feel like I should be warning the same women that my ex was drawn to (cause of her money mostly) what kind of feeling is that.? He used me, he used his first wife, and now he is using her. And I want to at least try and warn her before he drains her bank account. Then of course there is the just take a hand full of pills and it will all go away. What feeling is that.? DON'T ADDICTS EVER HAVE ONE FULL WEEK OF JUST GOOD DAYS? WHY ARE THERE TWO GOOD DAYS AND THEN ONE CRAZY DAY AND THEN TWO WANT TO USE DAYS. AND ONE OR TWO ANGRY DAYS, AND ONE DAY OF JUST CRYING.????? It isn't menopause I've been ck'd for that, lol I want the rollercoaster to stop and let me off. Why do I want to hate him for all of this? I know I just need a good nites rest. I will read and that will get me thru this. Whatever, thks for this site, and thank you for letting me let it out. I guess this was just me screaming.
Tags: Tired
Why, is it just totally imposible for some to "just not get it". I feel like I take three steps forward and then in one day I go five steps back. I let go and let God, but, sometimes it feels like he disappears for awhile and I fear he won't come back. I know there are others in more need than me. Back in Oct. I called the police on my ex. We are now in court, I found out friday he is not in compliance with the courts. So the advocate called and told me to "keep a low profile:, and it would be better "not to go to the next hearing:. I have been getting better, I emotionally had my strength back, I went to the last hearing, I handed over evidence. I even called an attorney to sue for custody of our pet, my share of the truck (buy me out) and for $9,807.00 for me paying all his old judgements against him, his bills, DUI attorney from 04', time away from work, hospital bill, when he was vomiting blood, I look back and I see how he lied to me (two page wrap sheet all related to alcohol), he used me, tried to empty my bank account. And when I put a stop to the money he moved on to his "step 13" I moved him in and out of her "hell hole" 3-4 times, trying to help him get well. (He was also my best friend) over 10 yrs. I was able to seperate the emotional wife from friend, but couldn't continue and I told him that. Finally Oct 6 our divorce was final, and the following sunday I get an email from him telling me he was so upset he got drunk and tried to commit suicide, by running Her truck into a tree. He wanted me to feel quilty, feel bad, I just wanted to know he was going to be o.k. I found the strength to see what he was doing to me, I found the strength to move on, I found the strength to realize that he used me just like he did to his first wife, and now he is using his step 13, 43, never had to work, money comes in continuously, and her liver is shot from drinking. She has to drive him every where, in their truck, (hers has a blower in it). The truck he ran into a tree was in both their names, she hurried and fixed it (cover it up). That was a nice surprize to me. Our shared truck is the only one that doesn't have a blower in it. And now he wants to take the assualt charges to trial, plus the other charges that were added to that. WHY? Now, being out of compliance he has to do random UA's, Jan. 4th he goes for his DUI/Neglagnce, Jan. 10th he goes for the assualt charges. ?? I don't get it. Why is he not getting the help he needs, WHY ISN'T HE GETTING IT.?? If it goes to trial and he loses, (and he will) then it becomes a felony, then he will lose his job. (they terminate for felonies). then he has to do whatever for his dui, and the laws here in washington are not easy. I don't understand the stupidity of it. Is it just a "woo is me". He has become such an angry person, hates everything, his family wasn't in court which really shocked me. Is it depression? Is it even possible to understand an alcoholic's way of thinking?
Tags: Depressed
I really thought this being the first ever Holiday being alone, I feared suicide mostly. But, I made it and it was easier than I thought it would be. Thank you ALL for making me feel welcome here. I reflect back, and really this was the best Cristmas!!! I found my way back into being with people that is also in recovery. Like going to mtgs. I just am not ready to go back to them yet. THANK YOU, I NEEDED THIS SITE MORE THAN ANY OF YOU MIGHT KNOW :)
Tags: Comfortable
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