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Therapy is hard. Therapy is hard without coffee. Therapy is hard without coffee and while you are tired or maybe therapy is hard no matter what.

Next time I will come rested and prepared to be offended.

I want to say that I have been hiding from myself for many years. I want to come in contact with myself again.

My evaluation was tough. I wanted to walk out. I wanted to stop talking because I know I can do this on my own. I know I can. I am smart if I use my head.

That is just it. I dont always use my head. Perhaps I can learn how to use my head in therapy.

I wanted to leave because my therapist has a dry sense of humor. I am fragile Katie. I cant take any jokes. Life is so serious.

No it is not.

Assertiveness, truth and respect are all good things.

I like my therapist because she doesnt see things like me.

I am sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily and that is not how it goes in the real world.

My goal is to make my skin thick to handle the craziness that is the music business.

When things get tough I give up but not anymore. i am back on the upswing and ready to work hard for what I want.

I am 27. That is all that I can come to.

I burnt down some bushes in the front of my highschool when I was 14. It was an accident but it happened. It was embarrassing and it is one of the factors that I didnt graduate high school. I was suspended for an entire semester.

Oh God.

My therapist said something about a piro and it made me mad and I wanted to leave.

What will happen once I take a good look at myself?
What can I learn?

Should I keep ignoring my patterns?

No. I want to change. I am going to change. No more feelings sorry for myself.

I am codependant with the whole world. I am a singer. I am a writer. I am a performer. I am a fighter and I am not going to accept mediocrity in my life. I am going to push hard.

That is how I have succeeded thus far.

Credit. I must give myself credit and then more forward.

so I relapsed. so what.
so therapy is going to be good for me.
I have the time and the mental capacity and it will be exactly what I make it.

Life is what you make it.

I feel like all of my words have been pretty silly but it is how I feel.

I feel good.

I am applying for a job working for a tobacco company. To hand out cigs to people for 18 an hour. It is against everything I stand for..........everything except for paying off my credit card bills........

Today.

Today I woke up next to my boyfriend. The bed we share is small. I brushed my teeth and headed out. I wanted coffee but I didnt have time to purchase some. I wandered over the Burnside bridge trying to feel some goodness for life.
Goodness for life is removed when you are sleepy. I stayed inside my head. I found a coffee shop on the east side. I went inside but then I thought I saw my bus. I ran across the street nearly getting hit by a large truck.
I shouldnt have been trying to run across traffic. I felt like a crazy lady.
It wasnt my bus.
I had no coffee.
I was going to be late.

FUCK

The good part is the coffee shop has free computers with purchase. I am going to be spending the rest of my life here I imagine.

I made it to therapy only a few minutes late.

It was o.k.

The therapist had someone observe. I am always a great person to observe.

I feel my problems are always so much worse or different than others.

My teeth are rotten. I have taught dentists some things.

I have a lazy eye...............I was doing some work with a vision therapist ten years back and he learned some things.

Boyfriends always have an interesting time with me

and now mental health.

there goes me tooting my own horn.

I know I am different than everyone else. I am special. I know we are all the same and bla bla bla bla

I dont know.

so someone got to watch my evaluation. I only like people once they compliment me.

My therapist read my previous post and was like "you are a good writer" then she was like "have you gotten an aids test?"

and I have and I am std free. I am happy for that. I also hope that I am not pregnant.

I was on the ring for a while and that made me crazy,

I am learning how to say no.

Someone just asked me to play a show and I dont want to play a show the weekend of thanksgiving. I dont want to fill my schedule up right now.

so I said no.

It was great. I am assertive and I take care of myself and I dont worry about anyone elses feelings.

I dont,

I dont have to say yes.

I love KT Tunstall. I love her a lot.

I want to write, perform and speak.

that is what I will do.

Write, perform, speak, dance, love and woohooooooooooo

 

to be continuted……………………& hellip;……………………&hel lip;……………….

 I am going in for an assessment tomorrow morning. My best thinking is not getting me where I need to be. Group therapy, regular therapy, acupuncture and yoga is going to be part of my new recovery plan......that and meetings. 

 

 I am tired. I dont want to fight. I want to sleep and give up but I wont.

 

 

 

 still sober and happy. getting ready to move.

YEAH!

Tags: Wonderful

 

 I have been sober ten days. I am really happy about that. Was at a party on Saturday night where everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I refused. I stayed sober. I passed up the flask and dodged the pipe.

 On Sunday I felt amazing. I was so happy that I decided not to use on Saturday night.

It was the start of a gradual upward spiral.

I feel good today. Still standing amidst the mess I created for myself but I am loved.

I know I should feel worthy of love but I do not feel worthy of love.

I dont.

I dont feel like I can give love to another person either but I am going to.

Loving is easy.

I used to tend to prefer hate.

I read that hate as well as love brings you closer to another person.

 

Interesting.

I read that most alcoholics need some nutritional therapy as well..........years of drinking/using can deplete our body of much needed nutrients.

I would check it out if I were you. Being healthy helps recovery.

I am late for class.

I need to go.

 

Hope everyone is wonderful!

 

 Bad energy. I let it get to me some how. One thing for sure................dont work with crazy people.

 Dont work with assholes. Dont work with crazy people. Dont do it.

I am not going to give you examples.

5 days sober.

woohoo

No matter how I feel today I will not use anything.

Sugar is a drug too.

Sugar.

Yeah

It rules me.

I want to detox.

I will after school is over.

 

I have been really judgemental lately. To everyone........if I point out what is wrong with everyone else in my head I dont have to think about me.

Me.

I havent done anything but the bear min. in life lately.

I feel really guilty about that.

I know it is part of the addiction.

I feel guilty. Feel like I might as well give up and then it is o.k. for me to use because i screwed everything up anyways!

You know.

but I am not going to prescribe to that this time.

Even though everything in me wants to say

BLEEP IT ALL

but

I am not giving up.

I am not.

I am going to take it "one day at a time"

I always hate it when people tell me that.

Take it one day at a time.

Why?

Dont we have to stress about the things we did in the past?

Dont we need to worry about the future and plan every detail out?

Dont we. Dont we. dont we DONT WE?

No.

Relax.

Breathe.

Stay in the moment.

I will count my blessings.

Which are many. I have so much to be thankful for.

So I failed writing.

BIG DEAL.

Life will go on.

Screw stupid research papers anyway.

My heart isnt in school. It is in music and writing.

I am going to type until I feel better. This might take a while. Normally I know how to make myself feel better.

 

I am not afraid of success.

I am not

I am not afraid of myself.

I feel disgusting inside today. Like my whole body is toxic. The sun is shining but I need to go to class. I am definately going to spend time it tomorrow.

I need to just breathe.

Everything keeps telling me to slow down.

but I just applied to work for an entire week sampling drugs.

That is not a good idea. I am not fond of prescription drugs for most things but I might be sampling ibruprofen this next week and the Rose Festival.

Anything for a dollar............................

 Which brings me to a confession I must make.

I was thinking about becoming a stripper last night while I was watching the Broadway show "Chicago"

I need money. I dont want to work a lot..........so why not take off my clothes for it?

Guys always oogle me anyways might as well make them pay?

Who am I?

No.

That is not me.

I am not going to do that.

Why am I even thinking about it?

Weird.

I dont even know.

I guess it goes along with the thought of thoughts.

Like my friend John said...........just because you think something doesnt mean you have to do it.

and lately I have been doing everything I think.

NOT A GOOD IDEA

I will probably go to another meeting soon.

Meeting or not I am not getting high, drunk and I am not going to feel sorry for myself.

WHAT?

but my life is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO horrible.

I mean. I am young, talented, I have money in the bank and friends and I love my family and I have people I can count on and

but but but

you dont understand.

Oh yeah katie?

GET OVER IT!

Addiction is ruling your life.

It is going to be hard for a while. I know.

ONE DAY AT A TIME?

Yeah.

One day at a time.

I am feeling better.

No more crossing lines.

I have morals and standards and I like my life and I am not going to self destruct even though that is exactly what I want to do.

but EVERYONE smokes pot.

IT IS O.K.

Whatever

No

Chill.

Once the smoke clears from my head I will feel better.

I am o.k.

I think this blog sounds a bit crazy. I am not going to reread it but I am a bit disjointed today...........

no need for alarm.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I think the sunshine brings me down. I am used to the rain paralleling my crappy pants emotions and  now that it is nice outside.

I am like WHATEVER WEATHER LIFE SUCKS CANT YOU MAKE IT RAIN

O.k. I am being silly now.

hmmmmmmmm

Today is a good day. All I have is the moment. I can choose to judge and be negative or I can choose to love and be positive.

Even if it kills me I am going to be positive and love and

yeah

Hope your day is going good. I am so excited to be able to blog on here.

I feel like you people get me.

I am not alone.

YEAH

Didnt Michael Jackson sing that song?

You are not alone.................

whatever

 

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