Hi guys its almost that time again where a lot of reflection is starting to run through my mind

it is almost 3 years and 11 monthhs from my last drink, to think i had this fear that my alcohol abuse would eventually kill me and yet i had no way out, or so i thought

Life never runs smoothly for anyone never mind us who have an addiction of some sort, yet i now have tools to deal with all the things that come my way

take my place of work,  at the moment there are vast changes that may or may not lead to me loosing my livelyhood and its not of my doing but i understand that i am powerless over this and have no fear in what may be ahead

i have came to believe that i can do the simple things that will help me

i can keep going to meetings, i can keep talking to my friends and my sponser, i can get up in the morning with a clear head i can conduct myself in a respectfull manner whatever is thrown my way

Sure there are times when i still feel anger but it is how i react to this that is more importent, i believe in me and i know i can practice the principals that have been given to me

my life has so much going on in it yet it has a simple thread running right through it

keep it simple

4 comments View Entry

Hi Everyone

Thank you all for the lovely comments that you leave regularly i really appreciate them,  life for me now seems so surreal i could never have imagined being able to live a full life without the burden of self but yet i am!  as someone once said to me "Live the dream "

to be contented  is worth more to me than anything in this world and sure it has it's ups and it's downs,  so how do i deal with the downs well for me it is a matter of living the downs and remembering it will pass and it does   how would i be able to live through crisis  unless i live through it making mistakes teaches me loads.

Recently i have been able to be the man i allways wanted to be ,honest,compassionete and all the things that go along with being a decent human being

i see so much pain and badness in my daily life and yet i am powerless over these things and i don't want to go on some crusade to save the world my main priorety is to stay sober and try help whenever i can marching into someones life proclaiming "I'll save you " is not the way for me

as ever i am humbled daily by things that happen simple acts of kindness from people who have been to h*ll? and back but i have also seen this in people who dont suffer from any addiction problems

whatever you bieleve in for me one thing is sure i will be ever greatfull for what i have and some of what i don't have

Thomas x

1 comments View Entry

Sometimes we all can be a bit off with each other , and sometimes we don’t even know why but you know what sometimes in life, people come along and change your whole being .

Just under 3 years ago I would say I was at the lowest point in my life, see I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and had no idea how to change all of this, I moved around from one crisis to another and most of the time I wasn’t fit in mind or body to make any proper decisions yet in the midst’s of all this turmoil came several people who were to change my life in so many ways.

Why me …well why not! Loads of people have loads of problems and deal with them every day yet I could not I was so wrapped up in me I could not see any of this I had to change and change fast I was 43 years old and I knew nothing of me my whole being was held together with the concept that I was hard done by

All I ever wanted to be was happy and I looked hard for happiness I took on board some suggestions from some friends I made people who had no ulterior motive other than to help another human being in trouble

You see my name is Thomas and I am an alcoholic and on the 28^{th of May 2006 I walked through the doors of A.A for the first time a broken man with no idea of what was wrong with me or even more importantly how to mend me}

I had lost all my friends I had lost my wife and my children and yet I thought I had no problem with alcohol, I wasn’t able to make rational decisions and any decision I did make always lead to sorrow

When I first arrived at the meetings I had no idea of who I was let alone what I suffered from thank god I did go, I found out what I suffered from and I did start to feel better

But something deep inside was wrong this fear came back only this time I was terrified and I knew that I was on the way to drinking again only now I knew about the first drink and knew only too well what lay ahead of me, I had to do something about it I summoned all the courage I had and asked someone for help I asked him to help me through the 12 step program of recovery, man it was scary see my whole life was full of fear and this wasn’t going to be any easier and I nearly gave up but something had already changed in me and I overcame the fear and made that 3rd step and was willing to do the 4th with him and god as I understand him

I hadn’t realised how important these first steps were I hadn’t realised this was me changing I was willing and that in it’s self was a miracle

So what I do now is a change a different me , the real me sure I still have fear but some are healthy fears and others are those unknown fears that in the past I have ran away from but I have tools in my life to deal with them a set of principals I can work to

Life is never all roses’ even roses have thorns but I wouldn’t change one single thing it has made me the man I am today

I will always be grateful for what I have now and the fellowship that undoubtedly helped save me from self destruction

Thomas Cranhill thusday night group

3 comments View Entry

As it nears the third year of my soberiety my thoughts once again turn to reflection , as i sat down yesterday to think on what i had done in the past 3 years it came to me and i thought i would share it with you all and ofcourse it's musical i picked up my guitar and started writing and in less than an hour i had came up with a song that expresses my life so far in soberiety i will add the lyrics at the bottom and don't worry i have copywrited them

Just where i've been (demo)

Just where I’ve been
14/02/09

I see the sunrise drifting over;

hear the wind calling out my name

Just feel the love and then embrace it,

cause I don’t know what the day is gonna bring

and I know someone that will help me get through

No matter how I feel

and I know someone that will help me get through

Cause they know just where I’ve been

My head is racing like a jet plane,

filling me with thoughts of dread and fear

Give me the strength to make that phone call

If I don’t, I know just where I’ll be

and I know someone that will help me get through

No matter how I feel

and I know someone that will help me get through

Cause they know just where I’ve been

Now 3 years later yes its changed me

I’m beginning to know just who I am

I see the changing of my being

I’m growing up into a man

and I know someone that will help me get through

No matter how I feel

and I know someone that will help me get through

Cause they know just where I’ve been

© T.Mccallum 2009

1 comments View Entry

Well another christmas is apon us and i wi be giving thanks and praise for all i have in my life some peace some contentment whats the answer i really don't know
All i know is lots of changes have taken place in me, my faith has never been stronger i have no desire to direct everything in life i think my big mistake was looking for happiness and a cure  when all along  i took for granted the simple things like being alive and accepting what i am
as of now is what i am meant to be
Sure not looking over my sholder or saying sorry for everything i did all the time has been a factor i get on with my life one foot in front of the other and deal in whatever way i can with anything that crops up  in proper way
and in the past  as you have read in previous blogs searched for somthing that significant other to be with but you know what it will happen if it's ment to
well need to go it's past my bed time
just like to wish you all a happy and peacefull christmas and a lets look foward to living sober in the new year
god bless

5 comments View Entry

yes we do intend to sell our ep very soon just working on the artwork which seems to be taking ages we should be ready by January

Also thanks to the guys from

good Indie rock band from Forfar/ Kirriemuir /Dundee, a really good band I urge you to check these guys out I will be on 9^th Jan at ABC 2 and they do have a few more dates before then and on a personal note thanks guys for the support and the well wishes

Recently I had the pleasure of listening to a girl called

she blew me away with her vocals recently on the same bill as my mate Eoghan Colgan (yes I know I am name dropping ) loved her sound and the girl on the violin was fantastic too

Another new friend is

great wee band and I cant get the track because I do out of my head its great finding music that floats my boat

And last but not least

from the north wet of England

And I also signed up to a new site to promote our stuff you can sign up as a fan or as a band although it cost to sign up as an artist its not a massive amount I have been on as a fan for a few weeks and will be signing up as an artist / band see if it helps its called

and you can check it out for your self’s well that’s not too bad considering I am not only confined to home I also woke up with the flu this morning more pills man antibiotics this time

1 comments View Entry

It seems quite remarkable to think that only 24 hours ago i was feeling disturbed and sadened by recent events and whats even more remarkable is the power of this fellowship and the power of a statment made by a member of this site that touched me  and changed my perception on what i was feeling and it was this
"Are there not persons in your life you care (love) enough to be there for, yet have no feelings of personal intimacy for? Are there not people who you "love" what they've done, but don't really like on a day to day basis? Is there not more than one kind of love? I know that I love my children and my wife, but in very different ways!"
see i have some wonderful people in my life  and people who are proud of what and who i am
my problem was really more self inflicted than i thought, cause i was hurt and i wouldnt let it go i have no imunity to pain and indeed why should i but the learning curve in all of this is i can deal with things like emotional pain if i use the tools provided to me  step 10 being one i also know that i am worthy of love and am able to build on this although i couldnt see it for what it was its only natural to feel the way i did but i eventually had to let go i got on my knees last night and asked for help in dealing with this and today has been a day of reflection and gratitude for what i have in my life and not what i want self centred "Who me " yes me  somthing i have to work on thank you all for just being here to help me along in my journey 
Thom 

Tags: Recovery

2 comments View Entry

Today must be the hardest day in my soberiety as most of you will know from my last entry i was in a relationship all be it short it was  a good one and how it came to an end  well its mostly a mystery to me the only hard facts i have that 
" I love you but i am not in love with you "
Thats what i was told .
And today whilst traveling home she came on the bus i was on i really didn't know what to do, i felt so alone even though i have god in my life my wee heart was  sore with the pain of it all
Throughout this time i have behaved with dignety and compassion i just traded general chit chat and got off where i was supposed to get off and not run away which i have no doubt i would have in the past
and soon after i text her saying i was sorry for not talking so freely to her but i felt so akward and still hurting somewhat
and yet all i do is pray for guidence and the strenghth to get through and the pain is still here i don't know am i hanging on i , the but as i am writing this i know that the hardest thing in this all is how it ended so sudden and without warning
we had spent a lovely day walking along the coast and evening dinner she told me you are such a wonderfull person i love you so much and walked back to the guest hous and then the blow its all over within 5 min of holding hands its all gone thats i do understand that she has to do whats right and can't be in a relationship that she has no love for the other
to be honest i really don't understand any of this i just want the pain to go

Tags: Relationships

5 comments View Entry

Almuost 2 and a half years sober and what has  changed in my life
Well loads i work hard every day at my soberiety gaining inner stength from my experiences
although the road i walk now has many hills to climb and many glens to scan and admire its wonder i still have to live in a real world full of real problems and man they can hurt i recently found myself in a situation that i was oh so scared of in the past
relationships  well my first in soberiety see i never had a relationship with myself nevermind anyone else  but now i had someone  comming to me and saying they had feelings for me  man was i scared but i took a chance my head said no but my heart said yes and you can guess i went with my heart i did things  i never had before being very deep i wouldnt let another into thoms place  my space if you like but i changed  i let a wonderfull girl in and all sorts of  feelings came out  joy confusion fdear  i for the first time in my life looked into someones eyes and felt love
i didn't want to take over this person  and we walked together i would love to say this has a happy ending but no i has an ending
although it was only for 2 months she announced after we walked hand in hand along a coastline that it was over
how did i feel and how did i act
well i felt kinda lost for a few hours and then hurt old habbits die hard
but how i acted was the biggest change in me i told her i understood see caus she is not in love with me and had the courage to say so
how it changed so quickly i have no idea  but it had  and  i accept that yes i feel the pain of regection but i don't have to act on that but be the peson i am now and move on through this i have support of the fellowship to hold me love me until the pain lessens and through experience in the last 2 years or so it will pass  i am playing a game of tug of war with self will and i can't let self will win so i have to let go let god tomorrow is another day in wich i can play a part in

5 comments View Entry