Hey guys, I'm still here and around. I'm sorry that I've been neglecting this place, but it seems like there's only so much that you can do on here =) And there's a lot of people that have seem to disappear as well.

I've been through a lot of great stuff and bad stuff this summer. I'm going through a real stressful month with financial woes, school  loans, and losing hours at work. But things should pick up soon and get better...I'm feeling positive =)

As for recovery, I'm still taking it day by day. I finished my Purity Course by Setting Captives Free. Now I'm doing The Cross, which my mentor suggested. It's hard because I have no mentor to work through with, so it's not as motivating. I had a slip but I'm stronger than I used to be. I still got to be careful. I don't want to have a down fall.

So I shall be around a lot more lately. Even with school, I will make an effort =) I hope you all are doing well!

Chanel xoxo

4 comments View Entry

Lord Jesus, I rejoice in You as my ark of safety from judgment for my sins! Please remind me at the sight of every rainbow that You keep all of Your promises of salvation, Amen.

My boyfriend told me that he was looking at porn last night & felt disgusted. I'm disgusted with myself & him...I know I've done those things & have been addicted to it. But this is really shocking & really hurts me right now. I don't know what to do. He's looking at other women...Nude women...Women that are doing God knows what. When I did that, I didn't mean anything against him...But it makes me feel less desirable & it turns me off to him. It's been a stressful week with him on top of that, so it just makes me want to throw in the towel. I just don't know what to do now.

Even though I was lusting after someone's pic online, I still feel like that's worse. Am I so wrong?

Chanel xoxo

3 comments View Entry

Dear Father, I seek You for a heart that is fully committed to Your will. May I delight in Your will each day. May I speak of future days only in terms of Your will — "If it is Your will, I shall live and do this or that."

I finished my 60 day Setting Captives Free Course. I may have to redo it down the line, but I'm very happy about that. My mentor has been so great & helpful with it. I will need an accountability partner still of course. And it's hard to find one. I will have to find an older, mature lady at a church. That's scary but it's something I'll have to do. I had some possible ones before, but now I lost them all :-( Anyways, I hope you're all doing well. Take care & keep in touch!

Chanel xoxo

2 comments View Entry

Dear Lord Jesus, I praise You for coming to dwell in my life by grace through faith. I hope in You now for the daily rest my weary soul desperately needs, Amen.

I'm still here & struggle here & there...I just need to be stronger to win the fight of my addictions with God by my side. Why's it so hard to keep Him by my side?

All that stuff disgusts me now & I'm realizing that. I'm finding myself to be slowly in His grace & presence again, & I'm loving it. I did have a depressive episode yesterday where I didn't feel "enough" for me or my boyfriend. I'm just making a mockery of God for that...But it's my self-esteem, I had to learn how to deal with that & my emotions that were pouring out of me. I'm usually the type to shut them up instead. Bring all your weaknesses into the light.

I want to get a Christian Accountability/Bible Study group together by this summer.

I hope you're all doing well...I still think about you guys!!!!!!

Chanel xoxo

0 comments View Entry

Lord Jesus, I look at Your life on earth and I see the obedience that I yearn to experience. I know that I can not produce such a life on my own. I think of You living in me, and I have hope that I can grow in obedience. So, I place my hope in You to express Your obedient heart in and through my choices, my words, my actions, my entire life, Amen.

It's been a while & I've been very busy. I'm busy with finishing up school this semester, figuring out about taking medical administrative assisting instead, babysitting & working. All of that is going pretty well though...Can't complain. I'm over 70 days of sobriety & going on strong, hopefully! I still don't trust that darn TV in the living room at times. I know that the devil is fighting to pull me down with him, but I want to live according to Jesus Christ. I give myself to Him each and every day. I've been reading His word again & it feels so good.

Although my bisexual tendencies are creeping up on me again. There's this new girl at work who I think is cute, & seems to be very friendly with me. For a girl. I don't fantasize about her...I don't fantasize about anyone anymore. But I'm afraid I could become obsessive about it. I think it's okay to be curious, as long as I'm healthy about it. I just want to become her friend & feel her out...I don't want this to turn into LUST.

Other than that, been talking to an old friend & we're going to make plans to hang out sometime.

Take care & I hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

3 comments View Entry

O God of mercy and grace, You know how often discouragement rolls over me like crashing waves. Please remind me that my service unto You depends on Your mercy and grace, not on my capabilities or performance. Thank You, Lord!

I should NEVER be under the influence of anything because it will just make me tempted. I am better than that. Amen.

I hope to keep in touch with someone on here who I have my addiction in common with & who I hope I can impact & vice versa  

Hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

3 comments View Entry

Dear Heavenly Father, I long to be more like Your Son. Forgive me for neglect of Your word. Please draw me consistently to the scriptures, that I might humbly behold the glory of Jesus. Thank You for the work of Your Spirit, who is able to transform me into a growing Christlikeness, Amen.

I definitely need to read not only my daily email bible scriptures, but the scriptures out of my book as well. I need God to give me a little push to do that

Anyways, things are going okay. I'm going to transfer into medical assisting this summer. I want to take that. I feel like it's my calling & that I can get more of a lucrative career out of that. I want to work in the office & not deal with blood, needles or any of that icky stuff  But I think it will be very interesting for me since I love to help others & it'd be nice to have a job that affects people's lives.

I love talking about God and spreading how great he is, but in a humble way. So I'm thinking about joining a bible or young adult Catholic group as well. That's soooo hard to find around here, but I'll keep looking. Sometimes the newspaper has a section about certain groups as well.

Other than that, I'm 56 days sober & I'm not wanting to act out! Sometimes the devil tries to make myself feel like I'm "boring", but I love this new person that I'm becoming. I want to live in the light of the Lord.

Take care & I hope you're all doing well  I love that face.

Chanel xoxo

5 comments View Entry

Father, I admit a tendency to reduce life with You to following regulations. Help me to live by the work of Your Spirit within my heart. Through Christ I pray, Amen.

Instead of wanting to follow through with acting out tonight, I just found a way to block the channels on the On Demand. So I set it & it's blocked! I just hope I won't get the feelings to unblock it. That's easier to do on the TV than it is to do on the computer. I'm just really happy about that & feeling safe right now

Work's going okay...Got a little uncomfortable the other day with all the older men customers that were there. It's a store that attracts a lot of male customers and I get uncomfortable around other men. Especially those that are older. Funny because I get attracted to those the most....My addicted side does. Because it likes to seek comfort & attention that it never had when I was younger, because I never had a father growing up. So I don't know how to act around men, so I was feeling quite anxious. Especially when I saw a good looking older gentleman checking me out & I caught myself doing the same & obsessing over seeing him again. But I thought about God and just began to feel guilty because it didn't feel right to me or my boyfriend. After my break, I started to feel better though.

It makes me sad to know that no one wants to start an accountability group with me  I've posted on the bulletins, forums, everywhere & nothing. So I guess I'm still alone in my recovery...At least I got my mentor & God with me.

Take care everyone & I REALLY hope you're all doing well!

Chanel xoxo

2 comments View Entry

Dear Lord, my sufficiency, I repent of my frequent tendency to look to myself to find personal adequacy. How vain and hopeless that is. Lord, teach me to hope in You for everything I need for godly living, in Jesus' name, Amen.

I think I'm going to take matters in my own hands now...Sometimes that's a bad thing, but I'm doing it for good today.

I was thinking that there should be at least an open accountability group that's very Christian/Catholic/Spiritual and deals with all sorts of addictions. You'll have accountability "friends" or "partners" [much like recovery partners] that will keep daily accountability with each other by messaging on here, and email and/or phone [if you feel comfortable]. With a nice Live Chat room that hardly gets used, we can use it for even MORE daily accountability meetings or check-ins at a time that's right for everyone.

I don't know, just an idea that's flowing into my head right now. I could make the group sometime and do it from there. Or if you're interested, just leave me a message. Hopefully this could take off. Not only can I benefit from it, but I'm sure others on here as well could too.

Take care & be happy & healthy!

Chanel xoxo

2 comments View Entry