I'm a sex and love addict.  And I hate that label..really, really hate "addict".  So, I try to forget about it.  I tell myself I never really had a problem.  But I do, and it rears its ugly, soul numbing, horrible self!  That would be now.  I had a relapse and with this addiction, for me, that just leads to going on to the next level.  My relapse was with having phone sex and the next thing is a desire to meet up with a man at his hotel.  The addict tells me that I want to do this and I'll feel so good and it will make things great in my life.  Even though I haven't forgotten about how I'll will feel like hell afterwards and hate myself and the shame will be painful. The addict is so convincing that this is what I want!  I want to be told I am pretty, loved, sexy, smart..blah blah blah.  Just feed me the lines.  I want that so much.  It's just a lie though.  That man isn't going to fill the hole in my soul.  So, I went to a  12 step meeting and I told the group about it and I cried and cried because you know, it really feels bad and hurts a lot.  I just wanted to share my struggle and I know you will understand because I read about your struggles too.  Thank you. 

Tags: Sex Addiction Love Addiction Relapse

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Thank you all for your wisdom in my previous blog! Working the steps is a great plan and I started on it last night.

You know what is the worst though? It is that I work with kids and some have gone through horrible things too. I see my friend who had terrible things happen in her childhood and I think this is what happens to some people as a result of that childhood. Some make it though. I read those books Running With Scissors, Glass Castle, A Child Called It...you know where the author had a bad childhood but made it through. I guess they have resiliency? I wonder why some people have it and others don't. I do pray for the kids. Often I think that was more my purpose in meeting them.

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I'm not one for sharing about my things but I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to about what I'm thinking about today.  I have this friend that I've known for a few years and I met her from a twelve-step meeting.  Horrible things are always happening to her, just really bad stuff all her life.  She is a good, kind person.  I am starting to wonder a few things though.  First, if one is in a victim role do you think one draws bad things to themselves?  Do you think you can get trapped in a victim role? Do you think we reach a point where we are choosing negative things in our lives?  This is really baffling to me. 

Then what else is baffling me is how I always respond to this.  I want to help and this time I rushed out and spent money on her.  I don't have a lot of money myself and then I realized later I shouldn't have spent the money but should have given it to her for what she needed.  Then I felt bad about not helping in the right way.  So, I think codependency issues kicked in on my side.  Also, thinking back in my life, I believe I find someone like this all the time and try the "helping" stuff. 

I don't feel good right now.  I feel guilty to think well maybe I am getting taken advantage of sort of, even though she's a good person.  Or, that I am just in a codependency thing trying to "help" but I care about her and don't want her hurting. 

I can't see it clearly from my perspective. 

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I've spent years hating myself.  In high school I'd walk around with a knife or a bottle of pills telling myself I'd work up the guts to kill myself.  I spent a lot of years obsessing about killing myself.  Finally, I did get medication which stopped that thinking pattern but it didn't make me love myself.  So, I was thinking how do I feel about myself right now and I don't feel anything.  I don't feel hate which is a good thing because that's what I have felt for so long but I don't feel love either. 

In this book of daily meditations that I read every day it had a reading about self-love.  In therapy and in the twelve step programs I always hear about loving myself but I don't really know how to go about that.  This little reading gave some good ideas.  First it said I might have to start out by faking it or "acting as if".  I've heard that saying in the twelve step program "fake it until you make it".  I think I can do that- really pretend like I love myself.  I mean, think about it.  I've faked plenty of other stuff in my life.  That ought to be easy. 

The reading says to give myself treats and to learn to stop my pain even when that means making difficult decisions.  I am pretty bad at that.  A lot of times I think I deserve to be in pain, like I earned it for things I have done.  It also says not to deprive yourself.  I do that too.  I will go without as a sort of self-punishment. 

It says to stop explaining and justifying and to let mistakes go.  I think I still feel badly about some things I've done in the past.  I need to forgive myself.  The people I've hurt have forgiven me. I am the one that needs to do the forgiving.  I am the hardest on myself. 

So, it says if I work on it a  little each day then I will find that loving myself has become habitual.  That would really be a blessing for me.  I'd like to look in the mirror and feel self-love.

Tags: Reflective

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