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Dearest Friends,
Where do I begin and how can I begin to express my gratitude to you all? This site saved my life. When I was in the first few months of sobriety I was on this site every day for hours. If I was not in a meeting I was here. I want to thank first of all ANIMAL the MUPPET for turning me onto this site. He will be with me when I celebrate my 1 year at my home group later in the month along with my mother. Then there are those that were always on line too that helped me through this tough time back then (in no particular order) projoe, lovelife, daddysgirl, powerwave, godluvsall, disgruntledgurl, denniss. I wish I could give you all a big Chicago Bear hug! The administrator for creating this place for the osmosis of knowledge and all the time you spend working on it making go. Last but not least all the rest of you. Just some of the words of wisdom that I came across that kept me coming back! What worked for me so far?
** WORKING THE STEPS ** I have been delt some bad cards over the year including surgery, diagnosed diabetic, passed over for a promotion, and lost 2 friends in the program that died sober.
There were some great successful times too! My cousin's wedding (open bar), not killing anyone when I did get passed over for that promotion, a high school reunion with beer, whisky, pot, and coke, becoming the CPC for area 92 district 2, and lets face it, just not drinking on a daily basis.
If there was one thing that I could put my finger on that got me through was the idea of "making a deposit every day" It did not matter what account it was in. Spiritual, emotional, steps, service, reading, prayer, meditation, or action. The point was that when the sh*t hits the fan and I needed to make a withdrawal there was something there and I did not find my accounts empty (emotionally bankrupt). I want to wish you all the best. Live for today because it is a gift, that is why they call it "present".
All of my love, Jeff
To those I can't make amends to directly, I pray & ask for forgiveness. The things and behavior that I did wrong, make people feel uncomfortable, pain I caused, hearts I broke, I pray for their well being. To the managers, co-workers, and employees in my past that I treated wrong, I will not treat the same way to those in my future. I pray to have an opportunity to help others to make up for my wrongs. I promise to treat others with respect, and to be a good friend to those that I have. I pray for strength & guidance to be able to do this. Lastly the best amend I can make is to remain sober today. AMEN
So there has been talk of the Chinese New Year. Last night after the meeting some of us went to the bar for coffee and we were talking about this. Now I, and I only speak for myself, believe the horoscope & this is just voodoo crap and should be used for entertainment only. I got curious & looked it up. This is what I found and pretty much exact to me. I found it interesting also to look at it as part of my recovery & see my defects of character and shortcomings too. People born in the Year of the Rooster are deep thinkers, capable, and talented. They like to be busy and are devoted beyond their capabilities and are deeply disappointed if they fail. People born in the Rooster Year are often a bit eccentric, and often have rather difficult relationship with others. They always think they are right and usually are! They frequently are loners and though they give the outward impression of being adventurous, they are timid. Rooster people¡¦s emotions like their fortunes, swing very high to very low. They can be selfish and too outspoken, but are always interesting and can be extremely brave. They are most compatible with Ox, Snake, and Dragon.
Tags: Comfortable
Ok, up to the 9th step I have been on a pink cloud. I had no problem listing my faults, fears, resentments, and sex issues. No problem telling God & someone either. I had heard some struggle with this step but I was fine. I now see my nemesis is the 9th. I am an only child and I hate to depend on anyone. I alwys did things on my own. If I could not, I would figure out how I could. I hate asking for help and don't need it. It seems I would rather fail at something alone they bring others in with me. Other people have always let me down because of my expectations. I can only trust myself. Now my sobriety depends on others. I have to say to these people I am now aware of what I have done and my sobriety depends that I let them know. (I refuse to use the word sorry because I have used it to much.) So far I have only told this to my boss. I have about 10 other people and I just hate it. My sponsor tells to pray for strength & opportunity. Tomorrow I will try to make amends to my 2 neighbors. One of which I will go in the morning & hope that they are not drunk yet. This one I almost put a flower pot through their front door window. Oh well, I have done worse & harder things so I can look back on this and maybe realize that I dont want to do it again which will be a deterrent. This program has saved thousands of lives and so I know I have to do what it takes. I want to help others and I know I have to do this so I can. Funny how I dont want to depend on others but i want them do depend on me. WTF is that all about? Crazy "ism" thinking I guess. Anyway besides that all is going well and I hope it is with all of you too. Take care & God bless, J
Tags: Angry
Wow, What a weekend. I have to share, but don't expect me to share my 5th step again with all of you! lol My 5th (pun intended) took 12 hours over 4 days spread over 3 weeks. Some of this was due to time constraints with my sponsor. He also said that crap like this should not be done all at once because it is a huge pill to swallow and that worked for me. I had about 12 legal tablet pages to go over and by far this was the most detailed I have ever done, well ok more than my last one. What did I learn? There was a simple common thread through all of it. Simply put: I HAD BEEN PUTTING MYSELF IN BAD PLACES, ASSOCIATING MYSELF WITH UNSAVORY PEOPLE DOING THINGS THAT WERE ILLEGAL, UNETHICAL AND IMMORAL. As my sponsor said now that I am sober and done with my 5th step this should not be a problem. I would have to agree with him, but I do have to keep my guard up. I still may get myself into an unhealthy relationship. Thanks to a special woman on this site that I have met, I feel comfortable and have talked to her about women I have met at meetings. She has given me such great advice that is so valuable on relations with them. Such great foresight and genuine caring from her I can't even start with my gratitude. Anyway all I can't say how important it is to WORK THE STEPS. I asked my sponsor how great I feel that old timers (25+ years) have befriended me. I asked him why? He said he thinks they see me working the steps and it is working for me, and their not going to waste their time with bullshytters. That over their many years in AA they have seen & dealt with many of them. What I have done is I see people in meetings that have what I want. Those are the people that I talk to and ask questions. I choose to stick with the winners in my future and not hang with the losers, like in my past. Good luck all and may God bless us all! Thanks you for my sobriety. Love, Jeff
Tags: Elated
Ok, I am not some dream freak but this was wild. During the day I was at a Washington State U. Cougars football game. I was tailgating with some friends & a few vehicles down a truck had the tailgate down. There was one of those "Texas liters" of Jack Daniels that was half full on the back. Those freaks did not touch it and I could not stop focusing on it. I was saying to myself "do I have to go over there & show those wimps how to do it?" Well all was good & I went to the game. THAT NIGHT: I dreamed I was driving around, going to meetings with that bottle in my truck and I was just wasted. I pulled into a muddy parking lot spinning my wheels spitting mud everywhere. The lot was full but I found a tight spot on a hill and pulled it in. I opened the door and fell out in the rain & mud. I was able tried to hide the bottle and go inside. After the meeting and all the rain I was stuck because I had high-sided the rig on the dirt mound. I slammed it into reverse, floored it, and just spun the tires. Other cars were stuck and getting help from a tow truck. I was so pissed so I took a big swig, and threw it into 4x4 and I was still stuck. Mud was flying all over & I started rocking it back & fourth. Then it budged and I pulled it out looking out my back window. AH HA! I turned around to put it into drive and there I saw them. A bunch of the members from the meeting (covered in mud, head to toe) were there waiving at me good-bye. I did not realize that they had pushed me out. I woke up with a feeling of being hung over, with what seemed like whisky on my breath. It took me 10 minutes to brush away the cobwebs and realize I got back from the game & went right to bed. I had not gone back out. Then I came to believe and understand that the members or AA could do for me what I so stubbornly tried to do for myself. Even when I am not aware of it, they are helping me! Thank you all!
Tags: Serene
So we all hear of how important new-comers are to the world of sobriety. We hear from men/women with decades of sobriety and how they are a reminder of how we all are 1 drink away from ruining our lives. Last Friday night was an eye-opener. I had always seen this beautiful young woman in a wheelchair at meetings. She always had a beautiful smile and was helped by people there to get around, coffee, etc. I was grateful that there are meetings that had access for the disabled. She never shared and I always wondered what her story was. Well, we all found out Friday night. She said she does not share because she always feels like crying. She said she hates being in a wheelchair. That it is a daily reminder of her choice to drink & drive and that is what put her there. Wow. I always felt that those that chose to drink & drive and had killed themselves got out easy. a few years ago there was an accident where a mother (at 10 am) was drinking & driving with her 2 small kids in the car. She was killed & the kids lived and I thought how she got off easy. What would it be like if she lived & had killed her 2 kids and that cross she would have to bear. What is God thinking? Why do some live & some die? What is his will when it comes to the young woman in a wheelchair at an AA meeting? Well that one I can answer & I think we all can figure that one out. I have decided to give this courageous woman this week time in my daily prayers for strength. Maybe you all can do the same for all disabled addicts. If God is good, then I can guess why he chose to do with her. If her in a chair can be a reminder to us of what can happen and save our lives, then so be it! Take care all. Jeff
Tags: Reflective
I went to the our local Opera House to see the musical "Movin Out" songs of Billy Joel and a lot I was thinking about and how life was different. First, I was offered a ticket by my friends that got married in August. They have had a hard start. 3 days into their marriage on their honeymoon they got into a terrible car accident. He had to get a life flight & both were in the hospital for weeks, and her father passed on a week after the accident too. During their wedding, that I was a groomsman in, I picked up subway sandwiches for the wedding group for lunch before the wedding. They gave me their extra ticket (that was her father's, they have season tickets to all the plays/musicals) so I could go. I realized how cool it was that I did not make them pay for the sandwiches and they did not sell me the tickets. Gifts are good! The price for both were $50 and I believe I came out ahead, the musical was awesome! Second, I was laughing because the last time I was there at the concert hall I went to see Widespread Panic. I was drunk & the place (and me) was full of pot smoke. Now there was not smell of pot and I was on 2 latte drinks (a triple shot each! whooo hooo!). Life truly has changed and it is good. I am enjoying things that I could never have before. OK, maybe it is that I am getting older too. In parting I want to pass on what I heard in a meeting last night. BEING HUMBLE IS NOT THINKING LESS OF YOURSELF, BUT THINKING OF YOURSELF, LESS! I just love this program. Take Care & God bless, Jeff
Tags: Reflective
Back on 4/2/07 I tore my ACL (knee) skiing and had surgery on 7/25. Yesterday my Physical Therapist said my rehab is going great. I have done my therapy at home and now can see him once every 2 weeks. My flexability is back to 100% and swelling has .5 cm more to be reduced to be normal. He has approved me to get a membership at the YMCA and start more physical training. I am on track to be back skiing in February! I wish addiction therapy was this easy. 10 minutes on a stationary bike, or prayer to avoid my 24 hours of mental addiction chaos? I'll take the bike. I was also able to get through the oxy's and the hydro's after surgery and threw away the rest! I had never done that with even a drop of alcohol, and I am still amazed I was able to do that with the pills. Being in recovery has given me my life back and I have choices now! I still think it was a waste to flush them, but it felt very empowering! Just like I had to throw away my "playtoys" (Bongs, pipes, papers, etc) since my Marijuana Maintenance Program led to my alcohol relapse 3 months ago. Thanks for being here for me, and all my Love to you!
Tags: Enthusiastic
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