Hi everyone, I havent written a blog for a long while, since I took a week out to work on my step 4 actually, which turned out to be the best thing I have ever done, in so many ways.

I feel I have overcome the small relapses I was going through, and life is changing so much that it almost takes my breath away, the changes in me are truly amazing, my family are blown away.

I spent a week in solitude to work on step 4, in that week I made some very radical decisions about many, many things, all these things combined and a commitment to working on them is transforming me and my world.

First of all I decided to become a Christian, I have joined a local church and got involved in Voluntary work with the church, reaching out to the elderly, homeless, lonely and needy.  This is keeping me sober, I have been embraced by wonderful people who I am honoured to call friends.

Secondly, I became an Aunt for the first time.  My sister having a son has had a profound effect on me, all for the better.  I am truly relishing my role as Aunt and enjoying making clothes for my nephew and taking care of him.

I was suffering badly with my depression.  I was not been kind to myself in mind or body and this was possible the most serious problem of all, I have a wonderful doctor who has treated me for many years, I made an appointment to see him and for the first time, was able to be open and honest about how I was feeling and many other issues.  I am now taking the right medication and the right dosages and being sober for the first time whilst taking them, they are working in the right way and I am feeling so much better.

I cleared out my life, gave away/sold/donated to charity all the stuff I no longer want or need in my life, all the material excesses that had become so important to me, you should have seen how much stuff I shipped out!  After this I felt cleansed.

All these things and my daily commitment to them have made my life beautiful, I am happy and for the first time, maybe ever, I have found a true and lasting Inner Peace.

I thank my friends here who mean the world to me, thank you for keeping me strong and keeping me sober, I am so grateful to you and your continued love and support.

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Just as the title suggests really, I have spent the last couple of days working on and completing step 4.

I would like to thank my wonderful friends here for their love and support, your messages of strength were amazing, I am blessed to have you in my life and I truly value your support.

I feel much more uplifted now I have done this step, it was not as bad as I had anticipated! 

Thank you for being part of my recovery.

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I am about to embark today on Step 4.  This is something I have been seriously putting off.

This is due to fear.

I have been trying to work the 12 step programme on a serious level for almost 6 months now, in that time I have had a few minor relapses but learned from them and moved on, tomorrow marks 14 days sober and something inside me has definately changed, I know I can do this now, and I will not relapse again, I have found God (finally!) and I feel that he is the strength I need now to be sure I will not drink again.  For the first time in my life this feels like a certain, and for the first time in my life I am not afraid about it.

So, back to step 4.  Its been the biggest stumbling block in the whole thing for me, I just could not and would not face doing it.  But now I feel urged to do it, I have a few days at home alone so I can really focus on it and I now want to do it, not to get it out of the way but to cleanse my soul and lay to rest some prominent demons in my mind.

I am going to spend a few days on it, I have downloaded some great worksheets from 12step.org to help me work through it.

I have been literally dreading doing this step, I have put it off and put it off for way too long now.  Today is the day I take the bull by the horns and confront myself, my past and my demons.

If anyone has any words of wisdom on step 4, all help and advice is greatly received!

Thank you to all my wonderful friends here for keeping me strong and being a significant part of my recovery.

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I have read a few things here and also experienced a few things this week that have made me think a lot about certain aspects of myself and my life.

A word that always springs to mind for me is 'searching' as I always feel I am looking for something.

When I look back on my younger days it seemed that I was incessantly searching for someone to 'save' me, I was brought up on fairy stories and yearned for the prince on a white horse to come and whisk me away, I looked high and low for that prince, I found a few frogs but the prince never came.

I also looked for escapism, from reality and the daily grind, I thought I was better than the everyday hum-drum.  This is where alcohol played a king role.

As I got a little older I became unsure of exactly what it was I was searching for, but I was still doing it, moving from job to job, activity to activity with little or nothing to show for any of it, I felt like a butterfly, pausing anywhere for only a few seconds.  The deep yearning became more intense as time went on for this elusive 'thing' for which I was seaching, where was it?

I knew in my heart that if I could only find it I would finally be 'happy'.

I also realise that I am still doing it.  I am still searching today.  Although I have settled in my relationship and in my home I am still searching, this time its for something deeper, something spiritual, but I still cant seem to find it.

I have spent the last few years reading about religion/spirituality etc and been to churches and spiritual sites around the world, even to Lourdes!  I have tried to get in touch with my inner goddess, been kind to nature, prayed, meditated.....

'Searching'.  Its a good word for where I am at in my thinking right now. 

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I dont know why I let people get to me, but I very clearly do.

Its been one of those testing weeks, god knows everyone gets them and I dont think myself to be any exception, but sometimes, just sometimes I let myself crumble.

It began with some family issues over the weekend, which I dont really want to go into then extended here to a bit of a spat with another member of the forum, on both these issues I really didnt see I had done anything wrong, but I guess they did.

Then I try to search for a women only AA meeting, now for you guys in the USA I know things are totally different, here in the UK alcoholism is still very frowned upon and meetings are really nowhere near at the standard they are with you, there are a lot of '13 steppers' in meetings and I frankly feel very uncomfortable, I emailed AA in the UK today to receive a rather snotty reply from a man who tells me that alcoholism is not a gender issue, there is not women only meeting within 50 miles of me and I should just go to normal meetings, also that he has many female sponsees with no problem.  That kind of made me feel 2" tall.

I go downstairs this morning to make a cup of tea and find my husband has filled the fridge with cider, I dont know the reason for this as he is not a big drinker and he knows where I am at, but too much mind games there for me to deal with, I just closed the fridge and walked away.

But, now I find that I am isolating myself, I have been in my bedroom all day reading, not got dressed and I know this is rolling into a depression.

I have to fight to stop it, but its hard.

There is a shining light though, I contacted someone I trust and admire on here and she has been such a help to me, I am very grateful for her continued support.

I have to work on not letting others bother me so much, I have to work on being focused.  At the end of the day it is me who is left with the hurt and wondering 'why me?' and I hate that, I am not a self-pitying person, but I think its part of depression really, and that in turn is part of me.

Anyway, I guess I have to fight back, by that I mean fight the depression back, not other people .

Tomorrow is another day...

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Well I am certainly being tested this week. Today in a very heart wrenching way.

My mum is the most precious thing in my world, she has been there for me every second, she is wonderful in every way, loving, giving, compassionate, hardworking, honest and beautiful.

She has been suffering some health problems of late and asked me to take here into hospital for some tests, of course I did and this morning we went in.

Without going into too much detail they have kept her in and are planning surgery as soon as possible as she has some internal bleeding that they cannot find where it is coming from.

I am devastated.

I know she is in the right place, I know she will be taken care of.  But I suddenly realised how fragile life is.......

I dont like this realisation one bit.

I have had to leave her and come home now, all I can do is wait for news, but to leave my most precious mother there all alone has broken my heart.

Please pray for her.

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I wanted to share this story about what happened to me over the weekend.

On Friday after a rather testing week, and my husband treating me like sh!t I was feeling pretty low.  He stormed out of the house and left me in tears on Friday teatime.

So, I called a friend, she is quite a lot younger than me and knows nothing of my recovery but I just wanted a chat.  Anyway over she comes to my house and persuades me to get washed, changed and hit the town with her.

I think to myself, 'yeah why not', and all the usual garbage like 'why should I sit here alone', and 'Im not going to be treated this way, this will show you I am not a doormat'.

I get ready, and go with her, along the way giving to a few drinks.  I was suddenly in a crowded bar, young girls all around dancing and lads chatting them up, drink flowing, my mate carrying on like an idiot.  And it hit me, like a sledgehammer.

'What the hell exactly are you doing?'

I could almost see myself from above, it was very strange.  I did all this crap years ago, I dont want to be boozing in a meat market full of idiots.  I want to be homely, I want my pets, I want my hobbies, I want ME.

I want the person I am beginning to turn into.

Luckily I got myself out of there quick sharp before too much damage was done, yes it was a relapse but it taught me a hell of a lesson, and strangely I am not beating myself up for this one, it was almost sent for me.

You see, I am very easily led by my circumstances and those around me, I am an approval seeker and if I dont get it I treat myself badly.

This is a pattern, and I have only just seen it in its full glory!  Because I had been treated badly I was beating myself up, and because my friend wanted to hit the town, I allowed myself to be persuaded by her to do something I didnt really want to do.

Those days are gone for me, I dont want them to ever come back, I am working on being the person I could be without alcohol and I am grateful to god for the lesson he has just taught me.

Thanks for listening.

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Ive been thinking a lot about this for the last few days, and I have come to realise just how much I have isolated myself from the outside world over the last few years, but to a staggering degree over the last 6 months.

I used to be very outgoing, of course much of this was alcohol fuelled in a social capacity but I had a few friends and worked and socialised.

I was very proud of my looks and appearance, very groomed and well dressed, no matter how drunk I was I looked good .

I have suffered for a long number of years with clinical depression and of course this also contributes to my isolation but its only the last few days have I been struck on just how much of a recluse I have become at the tender age of just 35.

I dont have a single 'real' friend in the world.  I dont have any hobbies, I dont socialise, I dont go out, I dont do anything I enjoy.  I am self employed and work from home, and if it werent for grocery shopping and now AA meetings I wonder just when I would actually get dressed at all?!?

I am lucky to have a wonderful sister and parents who are more than supportive though thick and thin, so I am grateful to god for that.

But sometimes I am led to wonder, was it depression, was it booze or was it me that led my life to this?

Now, dont get me wrong I am not wallowing in self pity, far from it, I am finally taking a good look at life, peeking out of the covers if you will.

It can be all so overwhelming at times, it didnt really matter that I was so isolated when I drank as I hated myself anyway so to keep away from others only meant I wasnt judged or worse still, lectured.

But I dont want this anymore, and the question I now ask myself if how do I get out of it?  I have been like this for a long time......

The trouble is, I have lost my entire identity.  I dont know who I am anymore.  All the things that once defined me no longer do, and there are no new things there to re-define me.

I have read the quote many times that you dont 'discover' yourself but insteat 'create' yourself, and thats what I am going to have to do now, but its a hell of a daunting prospect .

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I would like to thank you for your kind and supportive comments after my relapse at the weekend, you have resored my faith in humanity, but more than that you have inspired me to just get up, dust down and get to a meeting.

So, thats what I did, I went to a meeting yesterday and found support and understanding there too.  I was so glad I had gone, I listened to others and shared how I was feeling too and just felt so uplifted that I had gone and participated.

Now I have to manage this demon on my shoulder, and keep her out of my head.  I have come to realise that I am not doing enough to take care of myself, especially mentally.  So that is something I need to address with immediate effect, I dont want another relapse I want to stay well and sober.

So with very baby steps I begin again, with your support I can....

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