I've recently returned to my mothers house, for the minute. Back to the most codependent relationship I have. She's obviously glad to have me back, and sometimes it makes me feel bad how kind she's being to me, while I become my usual robotic self around her.

 She got a boyfriend while I was away, and all I've really heard about him is her complaints. She has invited him over for supper tonight, and assumed I would be joining them. The truth is, I don't want to meet her boyfriend. I want her to have a separate life from me. I don't want to hear her stories (which are always disrespectful of whoever she is with), or hear her complaints. I just want to have a mother that can let go of her kid. I don't need her to do my laundry, or clean up after me, or make me things to eat.

In this way, I feel selfish. She really has been overly kind to me, and I know she's just happy to have me back. But I have to draw boundaries, and if they are not defined correctly, I will find out and readjust them. I can really only learn by trial and error.

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'Maybe if we are surrounded by beauty,

one day we will become what we see.'

-Jewel 'Sensitive'

More and more every day, I'm finding that I am unable to take responsibility for my own emotional state. To avoid the negative feelings, to avoid the exhausting premise that is living in the moment, I turn to my addictions. At the core of it, I am a very sensitive person, and that sucks sometimes. I really would perfer not to be as sensitive as I am.

But the truth is, I am what I am, and shaming myself for it doesn't change the fundamental core of me. I will always be sensitive, if I work with or against it. I just need a little more self acceptance.

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I need a sponsor. Badly. My isolation keeps telling me that I don't really need to confide in anyone, that sponsors are too this and too that. But at the end of the day, right now my addict is ruling me and I need somoene to help me see past it.

I just needed to write that down so I could see it.

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The other night, I realized how completely and utterly codependent I am. I don't know how to spend time alone. I shop and I go out to eat, but I don't know how to meaningfully sit down with myself. What are my interests? I don't know. How do I feel? I don't know. It's so much easier to rely on others for their opinion of what I am than to actually find out.

I am so hard on myself. I start going into a 'Waaa... why me?' pity party, full of self hatred and blame. Its frustrating to realize you don't really know who you are, and more frustrating still to realize you don't know how to find out. I think I should be fixed- I've been away from home for a year, haven't I? Yet I've been living in constant fear, relying on my addictions to get me through the day, for much, much longer than that. I need to be patient with myself. It will come, and I just have to have faith.

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In mid October, my existing group of friends in Ireland met two new friends. We hung out constantly, and one of the new girls even opened up to me quite a bit. Then, one of my pre existing friends went back home, and suddenly the new girls don't want anything to do with me. Before he left they were talking about what we should do for Christmas. Now I phoned one of them twice to see what was up with Christmas and all I get is a text back saying 'Sorry I missed your call, if I don't see you before Christmas have a good one!'

 This is absolutely enraging my insecurities. Why am I not good enough to continue spending time with them? Why don't they like me? Just like that, it doesn't matter that I have so many other people around me who have liked me enough to stay my friends for years. My entire self esteem is wound up in what these two people think of me. And the truth is, maybe they just decided they didn't like me. Maybe the one who opened up to me is now running away from intimacy. I don't know. And I can't force anyone's affection, can't force anyone to stay around. I just have to let them go.

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I want to go looking for my ex online. I want to check bebo, facebook, do a google search and see if I can find anything. And for what? All I will most likely find is that he is just as fine after me as he was before. I'd most likely have to endure some photos of him and a girl he's seeing, and I'd torture myself thinking 'I could make him happier'. I'm rerunning the moments we shared together through my head again, picking out the bits that could lead me to believe he really cared about me, and leaving the rest. I'm living in fantasy again, and it's killing me.

 Sometimes I say to myself 'How can you call yourself a sex and love addict? You've barely had relationships, you haven't continuously walked past anyone's house or stalked them at work.' But it's moments like these that I feel the unmanagability. I want to cyber stalk him, basically. And when I think about doing this, I feel weighed down and sad, yet I can't fight the compulsion. How is it sane to obsess over someone for so long, without any contact from them? How sane is it to need to scour the net for any trace of themselves that they've left?

But I know a better way, thank gods. And I told myself I could do all those searches after I wrote this. Now I'm not so compelled to go and do them.

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Today my OA meeting went out for a supper before the meeting. It was amazing. Everyone there is so nice and so honest about where they are, and a couple of the members have incredible recoveries. I am so grateful that this meeting exists, because the one that was here when I first came to Galway wasn't a nurturing place. And they asked about me, and where I was, and I felt a sense of love and respect. Then later, after the meeting, I wanted to go fairly quickly. A few members chased me out the door, telling me how great I was doing. That group is so supportive and encouraging, and I am so genuinely grateful to have them around. A few members offered to let me stay with them for Christmas. I feel awkward and embarrassed expressing to them how much their support and love means to me, but hopefully I'll be able to say it some day.  I find keeping gratitude locked inside is just as detrimental as harbouring resentments.

 However, I realized something today: I feel so selfish. Part of it is that I haven't been in a good place lately, and my inner addict has been making me impatient and judgmental. But part of it is Christmas. I feel selfish for being able to spend a Christmas away from the family. Everyone else will be there, in the usual emotionless vacuum of self pity and resentment, and I get to spend my Christmas how I choose, with people that make me feel warm and safe. How selfish is that? part of me wonders. And this follows a pattern I've believed in my entire life: who am I to get to feel so happy when so many are miserable? Who am I to follow my dreams when so many never see theirs realised?

Also, as soon as I began to understand money issues, I never enjoyed Christmas at my house. Christmas is a massive undertaking, with hundreds of dollars spent on each family member. My mother has serious debt issues, and I've always felt uncomfortable with how much she spent on me. The gifts are always good, but they come with a much higher price. I always felt selfish for never really enjoying them. Christmas brings up a lot of shame and fear for me.

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'You, you're the sea
I'm the waves crashing.
I'm the ground,
The ground under your feet
I'm a liar, a thief
And I'm an apology.'

-Our Lady Peace 'Apology' 

 I'm starting abstinence to both food and sex addiction. I'm taking it one moment, one compulsion at a time. If I look too far ahead I believe sobriety is unmanageable, but I'm pretty sure I can do it for right now. 

 I'm filled with a childlike sense of wonder. What will I be like, under the addiction? What are my true interests? What is my personality like? How does food taste when I haven't been on a pure sugar diet? How often do I really need to eat? What is it like to truly enjoy sex? What really are my sexual fantasies? What is it like to be in a healthy relationship? What does my body look like, when I treat it well? Will I feel a desire to go out and get a tan? What kind of people do I truly enjoy being around? What are my boundaries and bottom lines?

The answers will come. Slowly, I know, because I've been drugging myself for the last decade and it'll take longer than a week for me to be true to myself, and I still have to finish my SLAA and OA programs, and then move onto CoDA and maybe finally finish those Alanon steps but... eventually, I will come.

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I have to come accept that I am powerless, my life completely unmanagable. Usually, after this step, everything gears up in me. I have a plan of eating, I refuse to touch myself, I refuse to let my mind wander an instant from where I am. I am 'in recovery'. Until a week later when I am back in the food, back in fantasy and masturbation, back where I was.

 So I'm taking a different direction this time. This time, I'm actually listening to the first step. I am powerless. So there is no self powered cure, no 'plan of eating' that I will stick to for 4eva and 4eva. Right this second I am still using, still daydreaming. Because I am powerless, and right now, I want recovery so much that I am willing to wait for the authentic thing rather than a self made creation that dooms me to failure.

 Stopping these addictions, getting my life back, is going to have to wait until I have the ability to reach out to fellow addicts, until I trust my higher power. And step 2 is next.

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