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Viewing 1 - 8 out of 8 Blogs.
My boyfriend is thinking about going into a halfway house after getting out of rehab in August. Can anyone recommend any places in the state of Florida? He would like to be a few hours from home; he lives in near Daytona Beach, Florida. He doesn’t have any access to a computer right now, and he asked me for help with this, now I’m asking for help from you guys! Thanks for any suggestions!! Also what are the pros and cons of a halfway house?
Beer, that's what I really needed last nite after talking with my b/f. He told me some things that upset me. He said he is thinking about going to a halfway house after rehab. My first thoughts were all about me, me, me. All I could do was cry like a whinny a** and asked him "why are you doing this to me, if you go to a halfway house 4 hours from home, I won't be able to see you, I don't have the money to drive that far, my money is tight as it is." He said we'd see each other twice a month, and could talk on the phone as much as we wanted, but that's not the type of relationship I want or need in my life. I believe long distance relationships don't work. Just a few weeks ago he was being so strong and had his mind set on coming home. He said he knows he can't hang around his druggie friends anymore, but now he is saying he is afraid of the "triggers". I do understand, but the place he said he might go to is near Miami and he use to live down there and that's where he tried cocaine for the first time, which let him to his DOC. I told him there are drugs everywhere. I'm having to deal with my drinking problem, I see beer ads on t.v., when I go grocery shopping I see beer, and the guys at work drink beer after work almost everyday, but I deal with it. I'm really an emotional drinker and after last nite, boy did I want a beer, I really really did, but I didn't go to the store. I stayed online in the meeting last nite. Even though I didn't say anything it helped being there. I read blogs off other sites, I even chatted with others in a Na-anon online meeting. All this helped ease my pain, but I still feel bad for being so selfish. I did apologize to him last nite and today for being selfish. I want him to get better, I do, but I am afraid that if he does move into a halfway house our relationship can't even get started on the right track and we have been talking about working on that since he went into rehab. This really threw me for a loop. I have been so excited about a new and improved relationship with him. I've heard some bad things about halfway houses, so thats why I'm skeptical. I will accept whatever decision he makes and I will not try to change his recovery process anymore than he can change mine. The Just for today is about being self centered and after reading it helped me get thru my day. So, Just for today, I understand that I was being self-centered and I will makes amends with him. 
I have been going thru some stuff lately. I real good friend of mine, was killed in a motorcycle accident a few weeks ago and my friends and family didn't tell me until I heard about it, which was yesterday. My friend was riding his "crotch rocket" motorcycle and slammed into the back of a pickup and the tail hitch went thru the front of his helmet and broke his neck. He died instantly. He was a really really good rider, but I realize that one can die at any time in life. He left behind a terrific family. My friend was only a little older than me, so this is bugging me alot. My friend even asked me out (long time ago) to ride on his bike, but I kept saying no. I feel little bit guilty that I didn't even give him a chance and take that ride, I love motorcycles! I keep thinking about all the things I could do in life if I just take a chance. Life is so short. The next thing that is bothering me is, my b/f mother is at her usual it again. She wrote a letter to my b/f (who is in rehab) and told him that my brother had said some things to some of our customers at work, who also live in the community (and know us all). The "gossip" from my b/f mother is that my brother allegedly said that my b/f beat me up so bad I was in the hospital. I told my b/f...1. I would have heard of this so called rumor, 2. why am I walking around at work if I am supposedly in the hospital? I asked my b/f WTF is your mother doing now??!! She doesn't like me. ok. I can deal. But to start sh*t like this AGAIN. I really want to confront her about this, but I know to not go there, this is up to my b/f to set his mother straight. This morn my b/f called me and said he is going to have the director of the rehab where he is at call his mother and tell her this crap has to stop. It is hendering his recovery process. I told him that on the first lie she told him, it should have be stopped. Get this, she has even called his rehab before he got there and "warned" them about me calling. I wouldn't call, for one, because, my b/f is in rehab to get himself better and he needs to concentrate on himself, but for her to call his rehab and tell them HER version of me, is, in my opinion, jeopardizing his recovery process. He now feels he can't open up to them b/c of what his mother had done. This woman even has planned her son's life out for the next two years!! My b/f is so upset at his mother, but on the bright side my b/f told me not to worry about us, he knows his mother is so way out of line. He even told me that he is proud of me, even though I only have been going to online meetings, but he knows I'm trying my best to work the program. His mother has always been the type of person who likes to have control of everyone. I even feel some of his addiction, stems from her sh*t. She messed up his last relationship, I know for a fact. I love my b/f very much and I plan on sticking by him. He and I are so excited to explore life, sober. His mother does not understand that. His ex, helped hide his problem from from his family for over 12years, I was the one who brought it out into the open, b/c my b/f was going to end up dying and I did not want that to happen. Now his family blames me for their son's addiction, but you know what? My b/f owns up to his addiction, so I feel we have a good chance of making life good. I wish his family would only see it that way.
Thanks for letting my vent.
Have a blessed day.
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faith?
Posted On 06/23/2008 21:41:21
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Well, I've been trying my best to stop drinking because I want to become a better person. I've been reading up on the 12 step process and attending online meetings only because I don't have the time or a babysitter to watch kids so I can go to face to face meetings. I'm doing everything possible to become better. My b/f is in rehab and I'm in out here in the "real world" doing it all. I wish sometimes I had it like he does, being able to take care of myself and get better, but I don't. I still have to go thru the process of becoming better and maintain my family. When I have him questioning me about my love for him and if I am drinking it really makes me mad. I have been doing it all since we have gotten together, I gave him a roof over his head while he got high, I still paid the bills, he spent all his money and when he needed money I was there to help him. I've always been there for him and now that he is in a "safe place" getting help, and I am still out here in the real world doing it all, he thinks he has the right to question me about anything? Where is his faith that he said he had for me? He had only written me a two page letter with all these promises, which I doubt he will follow thru. It really makes me mad that he can sit there in rehab and judge me when I am still trying to get better myself and still deal with the real world. darn I'm pissed!! And I hate it when he starts preaching to me. What gives him the right? When I even say anything to him that he doesn't like he will tell me he has to go. WTF is that sh*t? Sorry, everyone I just had to vent.
This morning I woke up in a somewhat good mood. I attended an online meeting last nite and it seemed to help. But after dropping off the kids, I started to cry again. Feeling sorry for myself, again. I was trying my best to get thru that. I came home and logged on line and started my pitty party and someone wrote to me that our negative sense of self has been replaced by a postive concern of others. I will build, not detroy. This made me see I was being so selfcentered, so I started reading what other ppl were writing and I forgot about why I was crying earlier. I still had moments throughout the day where I'd cry at work. Later on in the day, I got a call on my cell phone, it was my b/f calling from rehab. We only talked for 10 mins but we both felt better and he called me again tonite around 9pm and said he'd call tomorrow. I'm happier now that he called, we both said we are going to make a try at being clean and sober, but he kept pushing that I go to AA on me, I told him I liked NA better and feel more comfortable talking with people. I don't think he understands yet that alcohol is a drug too, but I'm hoping in rehab he will see this. I told him to work on getting himself better because after last nite I had to decide to do this for myself and had sent him a voice message. Funny how he calls today. LOL, but anyways, he understands where I'm at. I know it will be a long journey for both of us. I kinda of feel bad though because I told him I wish I had the "luxury" of what he has right now, being able to take the time off and not be mom and pay bills and stuff. I know he's working hard in there to get better. I didn't mean for it to come out like that, rehab a luxury. When he calls next I will try and explain it better, I'm trying to show him I support him. I told him that I am going to find meeting in my area and will go when I can get a sitter, but for now I attend meetings online and he seemed to have a problem with that too, I don't think he feels online stuff is real. Oh well, thats his problem, if it helps me I'm going to continue doing it. FOR ME! so all in all, my day started off bad and ended up good
Yeah for me. I didn't drink last night, I didn't go to the corner store and buy some Budlite, I really didn't see the need to drink. Last night I was feeling conflicted and down in the dumps, but I chose not to drink. Right at this moment I am feeling really depressed, really depressed, but I'm not going to mask my feelings with alcohol. Writing on this site and getting feedback (good or bad) has helped me these past few days. I want to thank everyone.
Ok as some of you know I have a b/f with a meth/anger problem and I am admitting I have a problem with alcohol. In my prior blogs I wrote my b/f and I have a really explosive relationship. On 5/20 I received a call from "M" telling me he was going into rehab for 90 days. I told him I am very proud of him. He gave me his word I would hear from him. To this day I haven't heard anything from him. Some of you wrote to me and said maybe one of the reasons he hasn't called or wrote is because he can't at this time. "M" did mention to me that he knew he wouldn't be able to call the first week, but he has been in rehab since 5/20 and no call or letter, nothing. Today is 6/1 and it's been more than a week and it's freaking me out that I will never hear from him. He told me that he was going to a place called Liberty Ranch, but when I read about it online it said it was like a halfway house, a place one goes to AFTER detox. "M" told me that he hadn't used in 10 days before he went into rehab, but the past few months he was heavily using meth, xanax, perks, methadone, alcohol and pot. I would think 10 days isn't enough time to be considered detox. But what do I know.
Now I'm wondering if his phone call to me that day was his way of tyring to still have control over me. I mean, his calling me only got my feelings for him all F**ked up. He always used my feelings for him against me. First he sent me a text message telling me he miss me and still loves me, then he called me knowing we wouldn't have alot of time to talk. In our last conversation he was crying, telling me he loved me but then he said he still hated me. He said he hated me! All I wanted was for him to get better, he was getting so bad in the last month and I couldn't stand by and not do anything to help! Why did he tell me he hated me and then tell me they love me? He wants me to work on my drinking problem (which I am) and he told me that his old self would be back, soon. I'm still trying to figure out all the emotions going through my head. I know he had a problem way before we met but it started to get worse at the same time we starting seeing each other. He would blame me for his life being a mess these past two years (the time we've been together) and I would point out to him he had this problem going on before me. His last g/f helped him hide it from his family because she is an addict too. "M" and I would actually fight over him using meth, I wouldn't want to do it, but he would. He even spiked my drinks with it so I would be using with him. But to tell me that I am the cause of all the bad stuff in his life is not right and I hope in rehab he will figure what the problem really is. He has a disease. In fact he would tell his friends that I was the one who kept him from using alot of the times, but these past few months has really been hard on him. He has lost another job and feels he is getting no where with his life and I was the closest one to him and I would be his target he took his frustration out on. Everytime something went wrong in his life or made him mad, he took it out on me.
I have written all these letters to him because I feel he should know how hurt I am and what he has done, but I have no where to mail them!! My family and friends say I should concentrate on all the bad stuff he has done to me. I can concentrate on all the things he has destroyed; my house and car and it will take thousands of dollars to fix everything, but will he have to pay for it? NO. I've read in the 12step program that he will have to make amends with me at sometime. But telling me "I'm sorry" doesn't fix a door with a hole in it or my broken taillight on my car or all the other things he damaged!! Yes I get really pissed off when I look around my house and see all the damage. My bruises from the last time he hit me are faded now, but I'm hurting inside. I'm hurting because things between us were left unfinished. I understand he is getting help. But I always, always took that man for his word and gave me his word he would call or write and I have heard nothing from him!!
What if he is doing everything he possibly can in rehab to get better and can't communicate with anyone right now? I can't talk to his family, they blame me for alot of stuff. They are mad at me because I brought it out into the open. But I did it because "M" needed help. I want him to read all the letters I wrote while he is in rehab so if he gets angry he will have the help he needs to deal with things. He doesn't even remember some of the stuff he did the last time I saw him because when I told him what he did and he said he didn't even remember it.
I need to deal with some things left unfinished with him. But how can we get thru some issues if he doesn't communicate with me?
p.s. I had the date wrong of when he went into rehab, it was the 20th because I told him the full moon was out the night before! so maybe he will still call me!! jeez I need to quit feeling sorry for myself, but I miss him. also does anyone know how calls are made from rehab? will he call collect or what?
Woke up today feeling really depressed and after checking the mailbox and finding no letter from "M" I feel like crawling back into bed and sleeping the rest of the weekend away. But I decided to log onto this site and after reading everyone's words of encouragement, I feel alot better. I feel like I'm not alone. I want to thank everyone. It has helped me alot. I still cry everyday, and I was crying while reading everyones words of encouragement, and those words dried up my tears.
I want everyone to know I am not an angel in mine and "M"s relationship. I'm still trying to sort everything out. I feel I enabled him in some ways. I have my problem with drinking. I am going to admit that. Some of the stupid things I'd tell him were "You can legally buy beer at the corner store, but you can't meth", was my way of an excuse to drink. When I spoke to "M" before he went into rehab he told me I had to work on my drinking. As I said if he is willing to go do this, I should be able to do my part. It just pains me that I haven't heard from him, because I want him to know that I am going to do my part and will find meetings to attend. I don't want him to worry about me. But if everyone wants to know the honest truth, I worry about two things. 1. I'm worried he will cut me out of his life, because he might have come to the conclusion that I'm toxic. 2. That he might meet someone else in rehab. Jeez I sound so selfish. I'm sorry, but I am being honest. "M" and I have had a very toxic relationship during the past two years. Alot of the violence which happened between us I didn't even know he was high at the time we were fighting. If I had known what really was going on with him and had the tools to approach things differently I would have. Sometimes I get so angry at him because of the stupid things I have done for him. I have alienated my friends and family for him. I use to do fun things every weekend, but when"M" and I got together we would "hide out" as I would call it and use all weekend. I've always been an outgoing person who loves to go and do stuff, and not doing anything but getting high was getting boring!!! Like I said the sex part was great (at first) but even that became boring because it would be just about him. "M" would tweek out and do the yardwork under two hours but then the rest of the day he would continue using. I really didn't get it. In my mind "partying" was to be done at night, then you stop. "M" would tell me things like "Hey there is some great stuff available right now so if we don't get it, it will be gone if we don't buy it now." Do you know what I would ask him? Why can't you just buy it and put it away for later or another day? He would tell me you just can't taste it and not continue using it. I really didn't understand it because meth didn't get a hold on me like it did him. "M" has lost two jobs because of it, but blames me for him loosing his jobs. When he did have a job, "M" would go home at lunch break and use, he would use in the morning to "get by" for the rest of the day. I just didn't understand. I would tell him stupid things like, "well you don't see me drinking a beer in the morning to function, so why do you have to use"? And of course this would start some big fights between us. Major fights. I don't have a door in my house that he hasn't punched a hole in. "M" hated it when I stood up to him, he told me that I was the only person that has never backed down from him. He even told me that I should "submit" to him! I'd tell him WTF are you talking about? I don't SUBMIT to any man, I have every right to speak my mind as you do, I just didn't use violence to get my point across. The first time he hit me he said it was to get my attention! I told him if he wanted to get my attention hitting me wasn't the answer, go hit a tree that would get my attention!! Look at that dumb arse out there hitting a tree! Now that gets my attention. But to destroy my house/car and other things just to get your point across? I just didn't get it. I even threw a beer bottle at his car one night just so he'd know how it felt to have something destroyed of his, but that didn't even sink in his head. I can't talk to my family about "M" because they don't think much him because of what has happened between the two of us. They thought I was stupid in taking him back after he was arrested for domestic abuse against me, but I thought if he was going to get help he deserved another chance. He said he "cut down" on his using. For a while he'd only use on the weekends I didn't have my kids, but come to find out he was hiding it. I even caught him trying to make the crap in MY house!! Boy oh boy you talk about a fight that night!! During the past two years we've been together we had our ups and downs. I admit I would push his buttons and he'd push mine, but I didn't know he was hiding his using from me. "M" has been without a job most of our two relationship (and blames that on me also) and I was starting to get angry at him for not doing his part with the finances. I was doing everything and he was not doing anything to improve his life. "M" would tell me "Hey I'm getting unemployment so I can help" but since Feb of this year when his checks started coming he has only given me $150, guess where the rest of the money went? If "M" wasn't on meth, he was self medicating on xanax, pot, perks, drinking, just to get by because he "hated reality". I'd never knew what "M" I would be dealing with. I finally got him mad enough at me to move out and he moved back in with his parents. They knew he had a problem, his mom would even give him her xanax so he wouldn't buy it off the streets, but that didn't stop him. I told him his mom was an enabler also, but he didn't see it that way. This last month he was becoming more violent, using more, and he even started using other drugs, ie, methadone. I didn't want to turn my back on him, but all I saw was another year of him not doing anything with his life and he was taking me down with him. Anytime he was mad, at his parents, his finances, his life, I was the target he would take his frustrations out on and all I did was try and support him the only way I knew how. I'd ask him lets do other things to have fun, like movies, going to the beach and he would only laugh at me. I still feel bad that I was there with him, during these past two years allowing him to get high, and getting high with him, and I hope that he is getting the help (at Liberty Ranch). I understand it will be long tough journey for him. Thanks for letting me vent today everyone. Take care and blessed be.
Well, where do I start? I really don't know, all I know is right now I feel as my life is at a stand still. Ok, I've been with my boyfriend, "M" for two years now, his drug of choice is meth. I believe it is his first love. "M" is in rehab right now for the first time in his life and I feel like my life is at a stand still. I am happy he finally made this choice to get help and I am very proud of him, but we left each other on bad terms. I love him but I had enough of him emotionally and physically abusing me. I know I would push his buttons at times, but I didn't know when he would be high or not. I felt like David fighting Golith sometimes! "M" would tell me in one breath he hated my guts and the next he loves me and can't live without me. He has me so confused. "M" used meth before we got together and when I met him I had never used it. Oh, I had dabbled in club drugs (ecstacy) in the past but when "M" and I got together it was the first time I ever use meth. He smoked it, I took it in a drink. The way "M" got me to try it was he told me that sex on it would be great. Well, the first time it was ok. I could take it or leave it. When we started to see more of each other we started using meth more. Yes it did lead into some great sex, but it also lead into some really bad fights. We would mostly use on weekends, well thats what I thought. I didn't know he kept on using throughout the week. I saw meth as I saw any drug, as something to have fun on, then you stop and be "responsible" again. I didn't know "M" had a problem with it until he moved in with me. "M" hated it that I could stop using but he couldn't. He'd get mad at me and say things like "that's the pot calling the keddle black". I always told him there is a time and place to have fun. I guess I didn't understand his need for it, he said it made him forget about how much he hated reality. And when he crashed and burned it was bad. "M" found out if he took xanax it helped him out when he was coming down, but he only had a scrip for the peach ones. "M" would buy the bars off the street and end up taking more and more everyday just to get by. He recently had found another drug he liked...methadone. And yes he talked me into trying it one night, it was ok at first, when I took half a pill. We were drinking beer too. Later I took the other half, but when we got home "M" said to take another whole pill. I really didn't want to because I was feeling fine, but I did to please him and what happened next scared me. I felt like I didn't want to breathe anymore, I just felt like drifting off into nothingness. "M" said he watched me and would make me breathe until he felt sure I was ok but that didn't even phase him. I admit I enabled him but he would have me believing he only did it on weekends. Little did I know he was hiding it from me. I did everything I could to get him to stop. I wouldn't buy it for him and in the past 6 months I refused to do it with him and it would piss him off because he'd stay up all night alone and watch porn. The last time I saw him he had taken 3 xanaxbars and it didn't knock him out because he was so wired from days of partying. His face looked like it was melting off, he looked like crap. I made a decision to call his family because he needed help. "M" had also gotten physical with me and just a few weeks ago I had it. "M" was threatening to come over to my house because he just wanted a hug and needed a place to lie down. My soul cried out for him, but I told him no, that was the hardest thing I had to do. One minute he was crying, and the next second he was threatening to kill or beat up anyone who was in his way to get to me. I had his parents on the phone while he was on 2way walkie talkie and they heard everything he was saying. His dad finally called the police, but they never found him. His parents have known he has had a problem for years (way before he met me) and they had the nerve to blame me. I just brought it out into the open because I saw him going down the toilet. I didn't hear anything from him until "M" called me May 20th. He called me during his connecting flight to tell me he was going to be gone for a while because he was getting help. He is in rehab. I told him I feel guilty for what I did (telling him no that night). I know he is doing this to get better and I don't want to be selfish, but I miss him. He told me that he still loves me and misses me and I told him I was so proud and miss him. He told me he was still mad at me but he loves me. He will be gone for 90 days. "M" did tell me to call his cell phone and he would check his messages but to this day I haven't heard from him. I love him, but not what he had become. It eats me up everyday, and since I haven't heard from him I don't know where we stand. I'm doing alot of research about the 12step program so I wont be in the dark when he gets out. I'm hoping he will contact me. I love him. It hurts not knowing where we stand.
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