|
Viewing 1 - 9 out of 9 Blogs.
I have been in love with my ALO for almost 3 yrs. now. We have been broken up since last August,but since then its been so complicated on how I'd define what we are to one another anymore. I know I deserve more than just "Friends with Benefits" and when we are with each other, it certainly feels like its more than just that,but I just don't know anymore. He has admitted to me that he needs to work on himself and not deny feelings or needs that he has for anyone anymore. This equates to him wanting to dabble in the swinging lifestyle as well as he goes about things in general from a different view pt. than me. I can't deny this reality anymore. IT IS WHAT IT IS,isn't that what we are told/taught??? This reality is something that is very difficult for me. I want a life with this man. I have never loved someone so strong or deeply before. And I am having difficulty letting go....totally surrendering him to a HP and let things happen the way they are suppose too. I know, there are no guarentees...but my heart is just sooo sad and feels like its tearing apart with the knowledge that he and I may NEVER be a couple again. That just seems unfathamable to me....please don't make me accept that....please. I would love nothing more than for us to do whatever growth or changing we need to for our individual health and then be able to come back together again. But the way things look, that doesn't seem likely, and I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!! I want him and only him. I have become much better at not obsessing as much....calling and texting uncontrollably and repeatedly. God knows, I want to be healthy....to not depend on another person for my happiness....to validate me as a person. And I'm trying....Lord knows I am....just like with any addiction/problem we are working on....it takes baby steps...one foot in front of the other,right??? I just want to be happy with being me.....and not feeling like i'm stupid anymore.
I'm coming to the realization that currently, Life just really sucks for me. I feel like I'm a failure and a constance source of disappointment. It doesn't seem to matter if its work....going to school....or trying to love my ALO...I'm ALWAYS doing something to disappoint/irritate or alienate myself from those I love and care for the most, and I don't know what is wrong with me. I truly believe that I need professional help now....for awhile I have been suspicious that I could be possibly ADD. But more recently, I am trying to accept that I'm a Relationship Addict...Addicted to Loving too much....Approval Addict. I just want to be loved so darn bad that I compromise myself and sell myself short just so I won't be rejected and left. I want to be with my ALO in the worst way that I allow him to talk to me any kind of way....even if he doesn't love me as much as I love him....its like, I will love enough for the both of us, until he can catch up to me....its pathetic if you think about it. But I have never felt this way about any other man previously .....I just want us to be able to work our issues out and be happy again. But I can't do this by myself. Guess this goes hand and hand with being a CoDependent too,huh? I just want to be happy....and I feel like such a failure right now....other than my children....why am I really here....would anyone really care if I fell off the face of the Earth???? I find that lately, the only thing that I'm living for is my children and God....I do love my HP sooo much....but I just am tired of being sooo alone.
I just wanted to take a moment to apologize to you all for being so scares.....I have missed you all and your wonderful support. I am back now and happy to share that my oldest son just graduated from Army Boot Camp. I'm a proud Army Mama!!! Got to go down to GA for the graduation thanks to the generousity of my sister and brother-in-law. I am trying to continue to do me and stay the h*ll? out of God's way...but the is a daily battle of mine..lol But I keep trying...hopefully I will get it right one of these days. I still am in love with my RA and won't give up on him....eventhough we aren't "officially" a couple anymore, in my heart we are and I don't seem to want to move on or share my life with anyone else. But to be honest....I'm in no condition to share my life with anyone else presently. So, I just throw myself into work and school....and of course my children. Hope to hear back from you all.....keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine....LOVE YOU!!!!
My prayer for 2009 is that my ALO will embrace the opportunity that he has been given and run with it for a more positive and productive year. He has just landed a job,which I am sooo very proud of him. I pray that this will be a new beginning for him to become more self sufficent and independent from "asking for financial help" from others. I believe in him....the challenge is him believing in himself and trusting in his HP....to be patient enough to wait for his HP to show him the direction he needs to go. Hopefully, this will also bring back the frame of mind for him to embrace his recovery and start working it actively again. I pray that once he returns to his program that he and I will be able to work our way back to each other once again. Right now, we are nuturing our Friendship, but I will share with you all....this man is my heart and I'm still in love with him and would love nothing more than to have a happy and healthy future with him. But I know that its up to God,The Father,what HIS WILL is for our lives. It remains to be seen and I'll continue to pray for only the best for us both.
thank you for letting me share.....God Bless us all!!!!
Today is Thanksgiving ......hope and pray all of you had a blest one. As far as me....well, I'll be relieved for this day to be over. This is the first day of the holiday season that I will be "celebrating" without my ALO and I have to tell you all...its painful as hell. My heart is sooo empty and lost right now.....the emotional pain is overwhelming right now. I had been doing so well for a few wks....working my program, reaching out here and another site that I fellowship with.....but these special days are going to be difficult for me this year. I think if I am able to get through this first holiday season...then next year will be much easier. I think that it hurts so much is cause today is Thanksgiving....in a couple of wks., he and I would have celebrated 2 yrs. together....then we go into Christmas and then New Year's.
I haven't physically seen my ALO in over a month and I truly miss him. We both have our issues.....we both are still far from being healthy.....but I miss him. Today, my son and I were alone here at home. I did cook though....but still its not the same. Nothing against my son,but I just miss us being apart of something......my ALO and his sons would have been here if we were still together. Its just a really difficult time for me,emotionally speaking,right now. Please keep me in your prayers......thanks for letting me vent and release.....love you all!
Frustration.......
Category: Blogging Have you ever been so frustrated about something that you just want to scream or cry? I have major difficulty with just accepting things when I am unable to wrap my brain around things/concepts...I like to understand what I'm being told or taught....and when I fail at doing that....its most frustrating to me and indirectly,I feel like a failure....to myself and (if applicable)my relationship. Granted, I am told through my support group that I am "powerless" over other's actions and certain situations...but I have trouble understanding and accepting that....giving up the control and just concerning myself about me and my actions....well, let's just say, that would be very NON-co-dependent of me...LMAO. I'm a fixer...comforter...giver...."first aider"....I just want everyone to be happy and to feel loved and accepted.....cause if they do...then I feel,in turn, I will feel loved and accepted too. That may sound twisted to some....but I know that there are those out there that can seriously relate too.
Here is another blog I have written over the summer....hope it helps some and inspires others....God Bless!!!
Sunday, July 27, 2008  Fear vs. Love
Current mood:  contemplative I have been really trying to work on my 12 step program more lately....one of the topics that I'm concentrating on right now is FEAR VS. LOVE. "Fear always distorts our perception and confuses us as to what is going on. Love is the total absence of fear. Love asks no questions. Its natural state; one of extension and expansion,not comparison and measurement. Love then,is really everything that is of value,and fear can offer us nothing because it is nothing." That is a quote from a book that I'm currently reading called LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR, by: Gerald G. Jampolsky,M.D. He goes on to state that All Fear is past and only Love is here. If you really sit and ponder over that statement it makes alot of sense. Fear is something that we hold onto from past experiences in our lives that hurt us yet we hold onto like its gold....but all that does is weigh us down and keep us from living to our full potential as well as living in the NOW. In other words....we need to be present in the present... Our guilty fears from the past block our ability to give and receive LOVE in the present. FEAR and LOVE can never be experienced at the same time. Why is it that we are so comfortable settling for the humdrum life of ordinary strifes when all we need to do is to learn more about forgiveness....forgivness of ourselves,as well as others....that is what traps us in the negative mindset. For inner peace to be recognized as our single goal;forgiveness becomes our single function. When we accept both our goal and our function,we find that our inner,intuitive,voice(Our HP) becomes our only guide to fullfillment. Most of us can say we were "conceived in love"....but in essence(our earthly parents aside) we truly were created in love....that is who our HP is....LOVE....and when you choose Love rather than Fear,we can experience a personal transformation which enables us to be more naturally loving to ourselves and others. In this way we can begin to recognize and experience the Love and joy that unites us. All I ever really wanted for myself as well as those I love so much....is Love,Peace and Happiness. I have a special man in my life that I pray this for regularily. Right now we aren't seeing things from the same pt. of view....I pray that our HP will touch his heart and bring him to the place that he really needs to be to experience such Love,Peace and Happiness. If I had anything to do with it, I would want him to desire to find that with me....but I have to remind myself that I have no control....that I am powerless....and for a "Codie"....that is a big pill to swallow....but I'm trying....we both deserve to have Love,Peace and Happiness. I hope that he will want to stop living through Fear and want to learn more about living in the state of Love.
This blog was written over this past summer. I had it posted on another page,but wanted to share it all with you....I hope you enjoy it. It will just show you where I have come from...this is how I felt way before my first blog was written on here....God Is GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!! AMEN
Transistion ....blessing or curse???
Current mood:  angry  Here I sit....in the midst of Transistion;trying to figure out if this a blessing or a curse. The relationship that I have put sooo much of myself into for the past 2 yrs. is in the midst of some major change....not sure if this change will be perminant...but all I can tell you is that currently....it really sucks and I don't like it one darn bit.
Emotionally speaking....I have been a wreck....one day,feeling sane and in control of myself again....the next,feeling like I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. But at this present moment....ANGER....has totally taken over me....I'm just so angry at him for being like this. All I ever wanted was to love him....for us to have a happy/healthy relationship. But one thing I did learn through all this is that BOTH people need to be healthy in order for that to be obtained. One thing I will always be grateful for is that my ALO was responsible for me finding Naranon to begin with. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me until I met him; but I came to realize that I,too,had a problem...and addiction...and its called Co-Dependency. The beginning of our relationship was soo magical for me....I truly fell in love with my ALO the first moment I saw him....I was so excited to see him...I felt like I was 14 yrs old again.....and then within a year or so into the relationship...things started changing,but I saw it as just regular challenges that couples have to face...that as long as we stood together,we'd be alright...come through stronger than ever. Was I sadly mistaken. The more I began to learn and work my program with Naranon....it seemed the more he was backing away and isolating himself from his with NA. I stayed in denial for sooo long about that. I truly deluded myself into believing that if I loved him enough...if I prayed for him enough...if I continued to stand by him and believe in him....He would come out of this successfully. But what I am realizing is that He has to WANT to come out of it....and right now, the way I see it, he is just stuck in the middle of wallowing in his bullshit. He has to love himself enough FIRST before he could ever give me the love that I deserve. I just wish I could work through all this anger and resentment I have towards him right now. He has the nerve to call me a spoiled brat....that I love drama and debating.....but what he fails to realize is that once I did stop "harrassing him"(as he put it) and just left him alone....it was HIM that was texting me back with really messed up comments to spur a reaction from me. I am sooo tired of the same bulls**t arguements.....Deal with your darn issues already and stop taking them out on me!!!! HELLO!!! Its his problem that he has other people in his life that don't really have any purpose still being in there or ever being in there in the first place. I have major resentments about that. When he started seeing me....yes, I have a past...but I didn't smack him in the face with it on the regular. Other than the mothers of his children....no other women should be taking his time from US....but hey....as he put it...he was torn....he felt he needed to keep everyone else happy....and quite honestly, with him doing that he ended up putting me in a position to resent the h*ll? out of him....because it was like I was put on the backburner and I was just suppose to understand and be patient....after 2 yrs. how much more understanding and patience is one suppose to exude??? I'm sure there will be more that I will need to vent/write about this....right now, I'm just soo overwhelmed and drained from all this....My heart is truly breaking cause I haven't allowed myself to love this hard...this deep since my ex-husband(the father of my boys).....DAMN HIM FOR HURTING ME LIKE THIS!!!! I trusted him....I believed in him....I really thought that he was my king....the man that would love me unconditionally forever.....and instead, I'm broken and angry and question if I will ever find the kind of love that my parents share for close to 45 yrs. I want that sooo much it hurts.....I love this man with all my heart and he threw me away...he took advantage of my love for him and used it against me. How am I ever going to trust in a man again??? When will this ever get any better??? God, Please help me....Please take this pain away.....This is like a living h*ll? right now and it takes all my strength to keep from dwelling on it. I just want to be happy again.....I just want to be loved and not abandoned or rejected anymore....please Lord....take this pain away!!!
I just wanted to share with you all what I've been working on lately regarding my recovery. For the longest time,I have been in Denial and have been resisting truly letting go and surrendering to what my HP has planned for me. I would be under this delusion that my HP actually needed an "admin. assistant";that HE wouldn't be able to handle things all on HIS own...would actually need my help......DUH!!!! HELLO!!!! Its a good thing HE has a wonderful sense of humor.
So, here I am,FIIIINNNNNALLLY getting it. That once I chill out....and truly stop getting in the way.....stop trying to do it all on my own;my HP takes over and is happy that I finally stopped resisting and saw that giving up control wasn't a bad thing....but in this case....a very good and sane thing to do.
I have been resisting for a long time. I would try to fix and control and manipulate my situations;especially those with my ALO because I just didn't want to accept that things weren't good but it wasn't my fault or my responsibility to fix it.
So, now....now that I have decided to just think about ME and my day to day activities;to put everything else in my HP's Hands,I have been much saner and calmer.
I still reach out,didn't isolate.....write in my journal.....talk to my sponsor....attend my meetings(even if they are online)....do my readings. It comes down to this.....if you work your program it works for you. And that is what I am trying to do.
Ultimately, I would love for my ALO and I to find our way back to one another....to be happy and healthy together....but I'm realizing that whether that happens or not.....I'm becoming saner....calmer....healthier....little by little. The best part of our program is that its not a race....its all at our pace...no one else's. That is a beautiful thing...don't you think?
God Bless you all....and stay tuned for more sharings from PJ Princess.
|
