Wow what a journey this last 40 days has been!  I am amazed at the transformation in everything about me from my friends, family, work, and my very favorite ME.  Learning to love myself gets more fun the more I love myself!  Who knew I was so cool!! They say don't leave before the miricles happen.  Everyday is a miracle for me now.  Some better than others.  By the grace of God today I am sober and peaceful and oh soooo greatful! xo

Blessings to all and to all a blessed day!

Kym

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It feels like forever since I have been here.  Things have been really good for me mostly but life does go on in sobriety I noticed and feelings and things come up.  I feel like a child learning moment to moment how to react responsibly and with compassion.

I have had a lot of problems with my son over the years.  Despite the fact that he made straight A’s all through school, didn’t smoke or drink or do drugs...still doesn't. He was a pathological liar and very violent towards his sister and basically angry at the world.  He is 21 and recently dropped out of the NAVY.  He basically has dropped out of everything in his life at one time or another and blames the world for his troubles and carries a lot of anger in him that projects in a most scary way.  What really troubles me the most...well....2nd most...is that he reminds me of me when I was his age.  I felt the world owed me something as my childhood was terrible and I felt anger and resentment and jealousy for people who had families and homes and love...which I did not.  I was sweet enough but so filled with silent anger is was visible when I thought it wasn't.  I am not sure if one day I just got tired or if at last I actually learned to forgive a little.  Maybe I am learing to forgive myself...I'm really not sure.  I know I am a long way from being the kind of person I want to be...especially today. 

There is more about my son but keeping things in order...last night my daughter and I went to a movie with my step mother, sister-in law, her daughter, and my (step) sister’s daughter.  A girls night out.  Old feelings came up that I can see more clearly now that I am not drinking to forget.  I am grateful for these feelings and feel like I am healing...but I know I have a really really long way to go. 

The dramatic experience was that when my daughter and I returned from the movie...the lights were off outside...which I always turn on and the front door was unlocked.  My son had come home unannounced after not returning my calls for a couple weeks.  There is a lot more to the story but perhaps not as relevant to this present blog.  He managed to completely move back into the house in the short time that we were out.  We believe he is schizophrenic but he refuses to acknowledge this and therefore will not get help.  It's my understanding that this is common of this illness.  He is an absolute genius…with SEALS training mind you…so he can be quite scary when he is mad and is capable of being completely “normal” when he wants too.  Another common trait of this illness.   My first response was to hug him and welcome him home.  Almost immediately the anger and paranoia in him came out and my first thought was that I do not have to take abuse from him anymore. I am doing the best I can and have tried so hard for so long to be whatever it was he wanted me to be.  I knew that he needed to go if he could not respect me.  I truly do not believe he is mentally capable anymore of even looking at the possibility of something being wrong with him.  I think the illness is progressing as the years go by. 

The drama ended this morning as the last of his things were loaded back into his Jeep.  He said he would never be coming back.  I feel absolutely horrible and at the same time relieved.  I prayed all night and stayed in bed for a few extra hours this morning to pray more.  I believe it helped and I believe that God is watching over us.  I wish I had prayed prior to our first hug.

In the meantime, I hae tried to think of someone I knew in the program who had adult children and could relate to what I was going through and came up empty-handed.   So I thought perhaps if I post this blog someone might have wisdom and support to offer.  I would love to hear from you if you are out there.

Sorry to dump all this on you.  I guess it needed to come out.  My head hurts…I am not focused on my work and I am very sick inside my heart for my son….my sweet little boy with a very big problem.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Kym

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I think my biggest trigger is being lonely and wishing I had someone special in my life.  I know I am not ready for a relationship and will not be for quite some time but every now and then I think....well, I am 43 and not getting any younger...maybe I should just go for it.  I am not capable of having a healthy relationship right now.  I know you must love yourself before you can love somebody else...praying about it was helping tremendously but now....that old familiar feeling is lurking....!

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I am a little scared....kinda like waiting for the ball to drop.  How can I feel so good?  Tempted to ask if this is normal...I am not at the pink cloud point yet!

I am certain of one thing.  I made the right decision to turn my life over to the care of God!!  He is doing a MUCH better job than I!! haha

Love this site! xo

Kym

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This is God.  Today I will be handling All of your problems for you.  I do Not need your help.  So, have a nice day.
I love you.

P.S.  And, remember...
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself!  Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME.  All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

 Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it.  Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

 Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you. You may have touched their life in ways you will never know!
Now, you have a nice day.
                            God 

God has seen you struggling,

God says it's over.

A blessing is coming your way...

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Third Step Prayer

God, I offer myself to Thee — to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator,  I am now willing that you should have all of me, good & bad.  I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.

Eleventh Step Prayer

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace--that where there is hatred, I may bring love--that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness--that where there is discord, I may bring harmony--that where there is error, I may bring truth--that where there is doubt, I may bring faith--that where there is despair, I may bring hope--that where there are shadows, I may bring light--that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.  Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted--to understand, than to be understood--to love, than to be loved.  For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.  It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.  It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time;  Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.  Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;  That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. 

St Francis Prayer

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Dear God,

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