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There comes a time to move on.  I sometimes feel like writing these blogs is preaching to someone and I really guess it is cause I mean it for myself.  I write anyways cause it's in print and I can't deny it that way.  I also write because it makes me feel better.  I'm not to sure about today though why I am writing this becasue today I had to tell an old friend goodbye.

For the Last 5 or 6 years I have had a good friend who has helped me out in some tremendous situations.  He has always been there for me until now.  My friend likes loose women and loves his beer.  I don't care for the alchol but the loose women have always appealed to me.  There just isn't any room in my life for that lifestyle anymore.

Understand this, I don't know what your higher power in your life is but mine is Christ.  As Paul says I am not ashamed of the gospel for it is power and salvation for those who believe.  I enjoy hanging out with my friend but he has not interest in helping me straighten up.   I have let some of myself go since being back in church and I do not want to go back there.  I like who I have become through Christ and through the fellowship of the church.  My Dad was even proud enough of where I had come to he let me give his 35th year chip to him.

I like me.  If I continue hanging with my friend and the places he hangs out I will lose myself.  I refuse to do that again.  When you experiance the true power of a 12 step program and/or the power of God you just don't want anything less.  I think he knew it was coming.  Our conversations have changed and there isn't any real depth to them anymore.  

I think that is a lot of misconceptions in the church that you can still have friends outside the church and it is true you can and we are called to evangelize all men, however sometimes people still have to cut their losses.  I remember on a radio station one man was talking about taking revival to Hollywood and a christian actor who was on the show said you can if you want to but I promise you the devil owns that town.  I have to drop the friendship just like an alcholic can't go back to a bar anymore.  Our results would be the same.

 So I commit him to God and pray someone will reach him. I guess this sounds a little depressing but it is more reflective for me.  I'm going to hate to lose someone who has helped me as much as I have them but there is a bigger plan here.  There is a plan for my life so it is a time to say goodbye but it is also a time to say hello to the next person who becomes my confidant.  God has always provided and I doubt he will stop now.

 

Tags: Reflective

The worst thing I ever had to do to get in shape was what we term "running the stadium" for soccer.  For one hour once a year we had to do this.  It consisted of us running up one set of bleachers and coming down the other.  When we got to the end we would run to the visitors side and do the same thing and then start it over.  It wasn't a race at all but was simply built to build enduarance.  All along the way we would have teammates helping each other and encouraging everyone.  If someone was really having a hard time someone would generally try and carry them a bit.  With all our practices and all our games nothing brought us together more than running the stadium.

I am a roller coaster person in life.  Let me explain, one minute I can be the happiest person and the next I can be in the dumps.  My will power a lot of time is dependant on others.  I know I am not the only person like that out there but I hate being that way especially with as many years in this life that I have let go by.  The Bible really teaches us best.  The apostle Paul says to run the good race as to win the prize but those of us on the roller coaster experiance forget what all he has to say about the race.

The roller coaster group forgets that Paul explains that all the racers in a race go into strict training.  Strict training involves what for the runner?  a change of diet, practice runs, streaching, and anything else you might think of.  You just don't step up to the line and run for the blue ribbon without months of practice.  You just don;t learn to run the race as fast as you can to win but you learn to keep up your endurance to last the day.

A new 12 step person, a new christian or even a rededicated Christian/12 step person will get out and try and run that race but they need that stadium to run around and get in shape and to learn endurance for the kingdom's sake.  It won't come over night but it will come.  When you feel like the finish line is forever way, God will help you out by sending another runner to help you out.  He will provide you strength and allow you to lean on the strength of others.

There is no reincarnation so we only have this one race to live.  Go into strict training and run that race for the prize.  People are all around us just wanting to give an extra hand to someone.  Take it!  Do what it takes to get you on the path of Christ.  Running for no reason is senseless and pointless.  I have been running from some things for about 4 months now.  I now realize that running without purpose or even running away from running for the ultimae prize is worthless and senseless.

Run the good race and run towards that prize.  Lean on God and allow him to training you and though he will be strict he is building up your endurance to run in faith.  I should know, He has me running that stadium daily but my endurance is building and I am running for that prize of eternal life.  Or as Paul puts it:

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

(24) Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  (25) Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. (26) Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. (27) No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize

Tags: Reflective

Well, today was Father's Day and I have to say I enjoyed it.  This has been a long yet swift year.  I'm still not where I want to be but I have a goal and I am daily working towards that goal.  Where I am definitly lacking in growth is with my daughter.  Her mother and I divorced when she was only 2 but we have been close as anything up until the last year and a half.  It's amazing what you can destroy when you have no regard for life especially your own.

She has turned into quite a young lady and I am proud of her beyond belief.  I get a lot of obstacles thrown my way with her in one form or another (all divorced men can guess from whom 95% of those obstacles are coming from) and so I have trouble dicerning what is coming from her or someone else.  Today we had a great little talk over dinner.  She has told me of a call God has put on her life and I understand that call becasue he put one on my heart when i was just a little older than she is at this time.  

I never would have had that chance to talk with her at this time last year because my heart was stone cold with my own needs and wants.  I'll be honest, I would much rather be talking to my girl about life than I would chasing some whore down the street.  I couldn't say that last year.  You don't realize who you hurt until you sober up.  It's great having that actually start to turn around.  It isn't perfect but it is a start.  

Lets face it, we know that every good step we take we receive one point but for every bad step we take we got a negative ten points.  So I am working myself back up the ladder.  It takes work you know but like it is said at meetings, "it works if you work it" and as God says "all things are possible through him who loves us".  I learn every day how much more work I have to do but I also realize that it is worth it if for no other reason but my 13 year old daughter.  It was a great Father's Day.

 

Tags: Happy

Grace - A favor rendered by one who need not do so

God has no reason to forgive us. That sounds like a downer but it isn't mean to be. Just hang with me a minute. We sing Amazing Grace, we say grace, and we say grace be with you. Every time we speak about grace in this sense it involves the grace of God and the grace of God is something none of us deserve. It is like the parable of the prodigal son. He was down in the pig sty and realized how far he had gone. He realized the only one who had a possibility of saving him was his Father. When he apologized and asked to only be treated as a servant, His Dad took him back in and clothed him, fed him, and restored his honor as his son. The son didn't deserve it but the love of the father wasn't satisfied unless he restored his son fully.

Dallas Holm sings a song entitled "At my Worst". Here is the first verse:

How could You love me, Jesus?

How did you know my name?

Why did you save me, Jesus?

Oh, I'll never know how you love me so.

And I'll never see what You saw in me.

In the next month, because I have picked out my people, I will be doing what to me right now is the hardest thing I will ever do, share my story with someone. I have to honest it terrifies me. I have no idea what kind of reaction I will get. From one person I know what I will get and from one I do not. The only thing that keeps me strong at times is knowing that by God's Grace I am alive and well in him. I don't understand how he can love someone such as I. It is baffling.

When it really comes down to it, yes Grace is something we don't deserve but I understand as a Father myself how much I would give up for my girl. She and I are fighting to a degree without words. LOL - Yeah, without words. You see she has prayed for so long that I would give my heart back to Christ and even had hopes of me Pastoring again. And now 10 years later I have and she doesn't know how to handle it or accept it. I know part of it is being a teenager but part of it is just plain and simple being human.

I don't know what the future will hold obviously but I do know I call my higher power Christ and he will be with me. I'm thankful for his grace even though it is puzzling to me at times. I might have a strained relationship with her now but at least I have a chance to make it right by my actions and by prayer.

Grace be with you.

 

I downloaded the journal software for the 12 steps and was beginning to put my fears aside and actually work the fourth step. I went with the first question and answered it as best I could before I realized I didn't switch to step four and this was meant to be used on the first step. The question had me list everyone I had done wrong. Wow! I though it worked out great though because so much of working through this moral inventory involves me hurting other people and now I actually had to write down who I wronged. The Bible tells us that this path we take is narrow and the path of evil is wide and easier to travel. I guess those of us working the steps realize that even though it is a narrow path it is certainly a more full filling one. Anyone can tear you up but it takes someone special to build you up and that's what I want, to build others up as they help build me up. It's a lot to ask but it can be done and it is my prayer.

Tags: Reflective

    I am a big Batman fan.  That not only includes the latest Batman movies but it also involves the infamous Batman movie from 1966 I believe starring Adam West.  I think we all realize what kind of a comedy they were trying to write and they did pull it off well.  There is one scene though that I love the most.  To make a long story short it is where Batman is tring to get rid of a bomb and has no where to throw it that will not harm innocents.  He finally says those famous words that still bring a smile to my lips.  He says, "Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb".

    That is so true in my life this week.  For every step I take forward I seem to be taking 20 backwards.   A year ago this would just send me spinning into a black hole I can't seem to get out of.  Today, even though depression and gloominess still come around, today I have hope in Jesus Christ and am thankful he is not only with me but he also saw fit for Bill W. to put these steps together for me to go by.  Truth to tell, I don't think God makes my life as hard as I make it.  I hate to admit how much drama I allow in my life but I do add a lot.  

    I am thankful for each new day no matter what comes my way.  It actually is helping my creativeness by having to actually fix problems where I was relying on others to be my problem solvers.  It is becoming fun to a degree.  I'm just doing what i have to to keep me on track.  It works if you work it.   

Tags: Disappointed

    The great things about blogs is the fact anyone can just write down their thoughts as an online diary that is open for the public.  Words can be very powerful this way.  They can be damaging or helpful or sometimes just babble.  I do babble a lot but it helps me think things through.  I listed multiple addictions in my profile and for the most part its true.  Cigarettes, extasy, and meth would be my drugs of choice.  I only drank for a year and when i had my first black out I gave it up.  My number one addiction though is sex.  

      Sex is so powerful and is so ingrained in our society that for most people its not even noticeable.  There is that small percentage that it rules our lives.  And as most of us know if you allow anything to rule your life then you have no life.  I'm working through my moral inventory and I get so stuck here.  I know everyone is different but this is my challange step.  It is hard being honest with yourself becasue I learned a long time ago it is easy to lie to yourself almost as much as it is to anyone else.

    Can i just say that it really does suck.  I do have multiple addictions and all I can do is work it the steps and give it to God.  That is the great thing about all this though.  I think I have learned to give all to God ten times better today than when I was pastoring churches 12 years ago and I am only on step four.  Not to bad for a start but a long ways to go.  My Dad's is an alcoholic who by the grace of God has been sober for 30 years now.    It gives me hope and something to strive for.  It is possible.  Just work it cause it works.

Tags: Depressed

 

 

 

 

This was my first and only senior pastorate. I did good on a lot of things and I did just as bad on a lot of things. The best thing I think I partaked in was the dedication of my daughter. Vanessa and I had our Pastor, Bill Wiesman, perform the dedication and it was a very nice day. You tend to think about promises you have made over the years and exactly how many of them you have broken and when you break this big one from God, not raising you child right, ... well, I don't think it is a good thing when it is forgotton. We made a promise to God to raise our daughter in his word. I broke that promise for many years.

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I was a great Dad despite my shortcomings. Because of one particular relationship, there will be some argument whether that is really true or not. I can see their point but my main problem in life is trying to save people and I usually get mixed up in the wrong crowds that way. Mom use to call me "tender hearted". I hated that. You don't call a guy that. As I grow older and more secure in my masculinity I can say she was right. Do not even try to get me to watch the Champ. But when I told God to go to hell when I was going through my divorce, my heart became so hard that I don't think I cried for the next ten years.

I can blame certain people for this or that as to why I broke my promises with God but lets face it the bottom line is I am responsible for me. I've always just wanted to please people but in the end people don't really matter, only God does. I have a great daughter. She is going through that basic teenage thing of liking boys, thinking she can tell me what to do, and all the other junk that comes with it but she is still a great, young, christian lady depite her parents and for that I am thankful. It'll take time to make up for all my lost time with God that I was suppose to be showing her all these years. At times I think it is to late but God always seems to then show me it is not and to just place my faith in him.

It's been a year since I asked Jesus to come back into my life and I'll still screw things up from time to time. The difference this time is knowing to keep getting back up. Peter tells us to crave pure spiritual milk like a new born babe so we can grow in our salvation and then also to be shepherds of his flock. Basically Peter is telling us to get back up when we fall down. So thats all I can do is to pick myself back up. I have one prayer I try to say in the mornings and I say simply this, "God, I invite you into my life today". And that is all I can do right now but he is with me always, even unto the ends of the earth.

 I wrote this a few months back.  I wasn't writing it to post on this site so when I speak about A.A. some of you may laugh at some of the writing.  Remember I was generally speaking originaly to a group with limited A.A. experiance so I was trying to get a brief over view out there.  I'm posting it here now because I think it is relevent of how the program can become involved in our lives  in a very positive way and this is just one of the ways it can and it is very close to my heart as a christian. 

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Stories. Everyone has a story. We don’t hear about all of them because lets face it, some stories do become more famous than others. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Billy Graham, Sadam Hussein, and Adolph Hitler are all names we have heard of throughout our lives because whether in a great way or a bad way those men have affected worldly events. The drug addict down the street, the Pastor struggling to have 10 people show up for church on Sunday, and the manager of your local fast food restaurant are all people with a story that maybe, just maybe one other person might know their story. That is a big “IF”.

In A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous) they have a particular style of a meeting that they call a “speaker meeting”. A speaker meeting is open for anyone, alcoholic or not, to come and take part in this meeting. Their meeting will go through a lot of familiar steps that churches will go through, minus songs of course. There will be a prayer and some readings that every A.A. group goes through. The big difference is the speaker. Where it is not unusual for a church to have a guest speaker every now and then, the majority of the time it is the Pastor in the pulpit every Sunday morning to deliver the message. However, in the speaker meeting of A.A. there is a different speaker each week. Why is this? You would think that alcoholics would need guidance. Well, they do need guidance but the purpose of a speaker meeting is to show one thing, that each person in that place, at that time has a story they call their own.

They do have the meetings where they study together to help themselves stay straight. They do have “sponsors” that help guide and direct them to stay sober or at least to give them a choice to stay sober. They will call each other at all times of the night if they are struggling and need help. Everything a church will do for a new Christian or fellow believer, these men and women of A.A. will do also. That speaker meeting though is to me the most special thing in the A.A. process because everyone has a voice, everyone has something to say, and everyone has a story to tell. Their life stories are not told as a way to brag about their former drinking abilities but it is to show that they do remember where they come from and are thankful to have a goal to go towards.

It is a great feeling to be able to share your story with anyone especially with those who know where you have come from and can see where you are going. It’s very important for everyone to realize where he or she has come from and I also believe that it is equally important to tell others where we have come from. The old saying we have used in the past that says “You may be the only Jesus someone sees” is a very accurate statement. Your story might not be for everyone to hear but all it needs is that one person who thinks no one knows how they feel to actually hear your story and realize that there are others out there like them. I guess the whole point to all of this is simply what story are you going to leave?

In church this morning we had a dedication. I knew for a few weeks now that it was going to be done and I had no qualms about it. To be perfectly honest I knew the man’s son and wife but not who he was. He passed away only a year before and I had only been coming to this church for 6 months now. I never researched who he was, what his favorite food was, or anything that would give me any idea as to who he was. Now don’t get me wrong, it was not that I didn’t care it was just I thought this was for the members of his families and the members of the church who all knew him. It is amazing how God will slam something in your face when you are not expecting it.

I watched the Pastor and one of the ladies of the church talk about this person for a few minutes. They had a plaque presentation for the family and everything. You know what really caught my eye though? When his family had their picture taken in front of the plaque, it hit me hard and fast. It is the truth that we all have a story but what is more important is to realize our story is still Going on.

Steve McClain was with our church from the beginning. He was instrumental in the building of the present church building. He absolutely loved working the grill at all the church dinners constantly looking for more meat to throw on the fire. He loved his family, his church, and most of all he loved his Lord. I know all of this not because I knew him because quite frankly I haven’t even seen a picture of him but I do know all of this because I know his son Phillip. The Bible tells that the inheritance we receive from our parents is actually our children’s inheritance and not ours. I never understood that until I saw Phillip having his picture taking beside the plaque bearing his dad’s name.

I have a 13-year-old daughter and that is awesome in one degree and is scary for another. It is awesome in the sense that she is becoming her own woman. However that is also the scary thing also. I handle children a lot better than I do teens (and I’m a former youth pastor saying that) but I do love the teen years. New and exciting doors open for them every day. And what you have done up till now with your children matters greatly. I have no doubt that my daughter knows I love her. My story took a turn though for the worst ten years ago when I told God to go to hell. I’ve since asked for forgiveness from God for that statement and thankfully like the prodigal son God took me back in but how much damage has been done?

None of us are looking for plaques or life time achievement awards to make our lives feel like we have actually lived a good life but when people award you with these it does give you an idea that maybe you didn’t do such a bad job. Steve is in a place where physically on this plane we call Earth can no longer influence his story. Thankfully the life he lived was humble before God and you can see that in the life of his son. My story isn’t over. How long do I have left on this earth? I don’t know just like no one else knows when it is his or her time either. The best I can do is write positive chapters in my life from here on out and hope and pray that one day my daughter might be able to say what a great Godly life I led.

Stories. Everyone has a story. We don’t hear about all of them because lets face it, some stories do become more famous than others. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Billy Graham, Sadam Hussein, and Adolph Hitler are all famous stories we know.

What is your story?

Tags: Reflective