I wonder how long it has been since I drank. It seems like its been a while. ast time I quit it was over a year. And yet, here I am in the same exact place. Its my mind, the problem. It won't let me be. I try to be quiet and still, and it continues to ramble on. 

Last time I was in the hospital I think it was April. Another blackout. So its been about three months or so since I had some cocktails. Its funny how the girls at work use the word cocktail, instead of drinks. It makes it sound so glamorous. But waking up in the hospital that night was not very glamorous. My boyfriend was no where to be found. He was at home. My mom was sitting beside me, why he called her I will never know. To tell her about the mistakes that he had made, that I had made. To get everything out in the open? To make me feel like more of a failure then I already did?

I wonder... how do you mend a broken heart? How do you forgive? How do I erase my mistakes? How do I feel better about the things that I've done to people?

My boyfriend was not allowed to come to the hospital because despite what I told the police and the ambulance crew, they thought he had pushed me down the flight of steps. Truth be known it was my own carelessness, my own stupidity, my own money that bought those 7 glasses of wine. So I have no one to blame but myself.

Its funny that I have been trying to quit drinking for a couple years. A guy I dated once or twice came into my work right after it happened. He works for the ambulance company. He checked my hands for signs that I had hit my boyfriend trying to defend myself. I guess in a small town like mine, the word moves quickly.  It was quite funny, I was talking about having a drinking problem (in my little drinking town). I was going on and on to the girls I work with. The ambulance guy was sitting at the bar, he told me that he did not think I had a drinking problem. My boyfriend had convinced me that I have a drinking problem. I just wondered to myself if he was counting on me failing. He had made something of himself since we had dated, and now he was pleading with me to fail. It came across as good will, but somehow there seemed to be something deep underneath that was screaming misery loves company.

So I don't want to be misery anymore.

So how do I start over? In the same relationship with all the hurt, and the pain and the regrets, and the cloud looming above me. How do I fill this crack in my heart and how I fill the crack in his heart? Is it a new town? A new job?

I need some answers. I can't start back up again.

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I went eleven days without drinking. I thought that was pretty good. We went on vacation, the first vacation with my boyfriend and his three children. I only had three drinks the whole time we were in Cali, which I thought was pretty good. I was still proud of myself, because I had convinced myself that I do not have a drinking problem. If I can go eleven days without drinking (and it was not even too hard.... once I got past the first few days) then I told myself, I am fine. UGH. 

So, I worked a morning shift the other day, which is NEVER do. It was strange and weird, and beautiful, and after work all the day shift girls sat down and had a drink. And another. And another. Including me. I had not eaten anything all day since I had plans with my brother and his wife to go out to dinner, and I knew we would be going somewhere nice so I wanted to save my appetite for that. I was excited about going bowling and out to dinner with them. 

But somewhere along six oclock, I forgot about dinner. The drinks were pouring and I kept saying I gotta go. I gotta go. But I didn't. I stayed there and drank and drank. My boyfriend was trying to get ahold of me, and I would not pick up the phone.

Finally, I drove down the hill, and was going to go home. But I stopped at one more bar just for one more drink. I have no clue what time it was, or what happened from then on because I have no recollection of it. I do know this, from what my boyfriend has told me. The bartender had to call him to come get me. A guy was "groping" me when my man walked into the bar (which, just to say, he could be five feet away and my boyfriend will always say that). I woke up the next morning with two black eyes, I  have no recollection of getting. My boyfriend does not know how to I got the black eyes. 

I am terrible disappointed in myself for blowing my brother and his wife off. I never called them to let them know I was not coming. Because I still planned to be there. 

And I am terrible scared of losing my boyfriend. I do not know why he stays with me when I do stupid stuff like this. I wish I could throw myself against a wall and yell at myself to wake up. To get my act together or I am going to lose everything that is anything to me.

He is the sweetest man I have ever met. He was not mad that I went out drinking without him, just worried. And he told me that if I drink I need to make sure he is there because he won't let stuff happen to me. He will keep me safe.  

Tags: Disappointed

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I am just a bartender. 

It is very hard in this business to not drink. I don't drink nearly as much as the other girls at work. But that does not mean very much. I wish that I would have never started drinking because now I constantly feel this feeling that I am missing out by not going to the bar. I started drinking two years ago, and it has gradually become a bigger pain than I ever wanted it to be. I started drinking because I wanted to meet some men. But now I have met one great guy (not a bar... funny huh?) and I cant drag myself out of the bar to spend time with him. He does not drink. He has made me start looking at myself more closely, and made me realize that maybe there is something wrong with me. 

And all of these "friends" that I have at the bar, the thing is, I doubt if I called them with an emergency that anyone would be there for me. So what am I doing with my life?

Oh well. This is the first time I have came on here. I don't know what to say, or who is going to read this, or respond. If anyone feels the same as I do.

Christina ***Chris*** 

Tags: Angry

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