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Viewing 1 - 8 out of 8 Blogs.
Finally, after many months and maybe even more than a year of thinking about all of this, I have come to realize a few things. Even though I am a member of this site and consider myself to have a problem with codependency and have even at times called myself an addict, I have never actually compared myself to the rest of you.
After some recent events, I have realized that I sympathize with anyone out there dealing with addictions. I am not addicted to any substance or any particular behavior. (I have even tried to addict myself to cigarettes and have been unsuccessful) Unfortunately, I am addicted to a person. A person who is as detrimental to my health as much as any drug I could ever imagine. As much as I want to give him up, I cannot. No matter how many times he hurts me and pushes me away, the second he comes back. I can't help but want to go back. I have tried "recovery" more times than I can imagine. If I only had a dollar for every time i deleted his number from my cell phone or disposed of all the items that remind me of him.. I know how bad he is for me. But I just can't seem to help myself. All he does is hurt me and all I have ever done is love him too much. I talk a big game and say that if he were to come back, I would walk away, or not pick up the phone. But how do you just ignore something that used the be your whole life? How do you get the thoughts of him or whatever it is you are addicted to, out of your head?
I thought i knew where to start andhow to deal. But when it comes down to it, I have no backbone when it comes to keeping him away and keeping myself safe, happy and healthy. I can only smack my head against the wall so many times for falling into his trap again. I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't really feel that I am. I am unbelievably disappointed in myself for going back- again and again and again.. It seems that every time I finally decide that I have moved on, he comes back. And every single time I fall for it. And I honestly can't say that if at this very moment, he were to tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me, if I could really honestly and truly resist the temptation. I want to tell you all this because I need you to understand the severity, because I know you all do. A simple "you are so much better than that." or a "You know much better than that/ you don't need that in your life." or a "he doesn't deserve you." really doesn't cut it for me anymore. I want to get better. I need to get better. But I guess I have finally realized I don't know where the hell to start.
Tags: Reflective
I really need to figure out a way to change things in my life. I really thought this time I had it all together. But I don't I don't know where to start. I have so many things that I have to do right now to make me a better me. But it's just so hard to know if I can actually do them 1.get my GED 2. get my license finally- i.e. take drivers ed and the in cars and the test 3. go to college next fall 4. move out/ be more independent 5. deal with everything else going on. It's a lot. In ways it sounds simple. Just go ahead and get my GED but i'm so scared. I'm so scared of failing or not doing my best. I can't fail in front of others- which is why taking the drivers test is going to be so hard. Plus I am such a perfectionist I can't cope when I don't get things right the first time.
I'm terrified of going to college by myself. I haven't been to school in two years. I'm terrified of moving out- even though I know that is what's best for me right now. I want all of these things but when I actually try to approach them, I freeze. and i push them in the back of my head until I can't deal with them anymore. I really want to be a better person I broke my "sobriety" from being codependent and of course got my heart broken again It's a lot right now. I don't want to complain I just want to be a better me But I have no idea how to start, especially when I have to start all oveer dealing with my broken heart I've made a lot of mistakes and now I'm really paying for them. I am in total control of my life, which makes me feel out of control.
Tags: Disappointed
I made it. I did it. July 25th. the day i have been dreading for at least a year has come and gone and everything is fine. I am fine. I am happy and feeling full of life! (Sounds so lame, but it's so true)
I was jsut at my friend's house playing with his son who i don't think i could love any more. And i just had such a good time.
Last night i was so worried that today I would sit in bed all day and cry and sulk and feel badly, and most importantly miss him. Anyways, today, well actaully yesterday was July 25th. It would have been our 4 year anniversary. And I made it through the day without a single tear or even a wistful thought.
Just two weeks ago I was sure i would want to see him and talk to him and see how he was doing on this day. But today I did not feel the same way.
I woke up and went to work. I had a great time making pudding with the kids. I then came home and went over to my friend's house. I enjoyed every moment of it.
I think children definitely help you to see how much there is to live for but also, once you fall as hard as i did and finally see that you CAN pick up the pieces, if you really want YOU CAN DO IT
I would have NEVER thought in a million years that there would be a july 25th that i wouldn't shed a tear on.
So thank you for your support. I appreciate it all.
It's so important to have people who love you. And i'm so happy now because I'm sure this time I have made a good choice. I have given myself a year to recover from the last relationship. And this time, things are different, I am so different, he is different and nothing like the one who broke my heart.
I am beyond ready to start over.
I think today I have proven to myself that i can do it.
Ask me again tomorrow haha
goodnight =)
Tags: Enthusiastic
I guess time really does heal all wounds.
Time and the support of other people, that is. I haven't felt like this in a while. It's so nice to feel emotions that aren't just sad, angry, or depressed.
It's nice to wake up and want to get out of bed.
I sure hope this feeling lasts.
Even with the dreaded july 25th fast approaching (would be 4 years), things are going pretty great for me now.
darn that year has gone by fast.
Tags: Enthusiastic
So I'm really trying to start over. again. Or... I really want to try to start over again. Who knows how realistic it's going to be this time.
It's still hard for me to fathom the idea that I was addicted to a person. Not a substance. A person, a routine. That it could affect me as much as alcohol or drugs could.
I dropped out of school to be with him. I thought that was what he wanted. I was wrong.
Here i am a year and a half later. 17, i should be a junior in high school. But I am not. I'm barely a sophomore. I now resent the fact that I will not be going off to college when all my friends do. Before it didn't matter, I didn't have friends, I had him and he was all I needed.
When things ended with him, I found out how important friends are. But now, hearing about all of the colleges they are looking at and taking the sats... makes me feel so lonely.
up until recently, it didn't bother me very much that everyone was at school making new friends every day. I could only think of the panic that i felt while at school. All of the stress from the work. All the times I had to leave-- to be with him.
When things were rocky with him, I stayed home from school. Just in case he called me. I was always available. The same reason I didn't make plans or have any friends- What if he called? What would I do? If I hang up the phone he might not call back. The anxiety was more than i could bear.
Feeling that sort of anxiety at school was just no longer an option. And as much as my mother would like to blame it on me being sick, I think she knows in her heart the REAL reason I left- the words I can't say. I couldn't stand to be away from him.
Anyways, unfortunately my mom and I had a fight. I can't help but resent her for letting me drop out of school. At the moment, it was the best decision she could have made. She was terrified I was going to kill myself. But in the scheme of things- it was a terrible decision. I am 17 with a 9th grade education. I want to go to college, but the thought of school makes me break out in a rash. I wish i were stronger. Then i could take the blame for all of it.
I have started homeschooling again- I take classes online. But i have forgotten how hard it is. And of course, I am a perfectionist. Which makes it oh so much more fun.
It's a rocky start. Hopefully I can continue to push myself to finish.
I just really need some support.
Tags: Reflective
tomorrow is my birthday. I should be excited i guess. But i am not. I couldn't even tell you why, really. ..I guess i have an idea. Lots of drama has happened in the past week or so. I haven't spoken with him now for three months. But his girlfriend and bestfriend have both talked to me about him.
they both know we haven;t spoken. Obviously those were some confusing phone calls/text messages. But i'm trying to put those in the past and think about waht's happening now. Nothing's happening now. Nothing except for my birthday, i guess. While going out with my friend to celebrate my pre-birthday i gave her some bad directions and where did we end up? In front of his work. And there it was, his car in the parking lot. That was the closest I've been to him in the past four months. It was strange. But i felt like it was something i had seen a million times and that it was no big deal- relieving almost. Like when he didn't call for a few days and i would have someone take me out there and drive past to see if his car was there or not. If it was i would sigh in relief and hope hecalled. If it wasn't i would shrug it off but then return home and call him until he picked up, which was usually right before i would completely lose it. Either way I didn't bother me too much to see his car. It wasn't until about 20 minutes ago, that it hit me. and It hit me pretty hard. That was the closest I've been to him in months. I just want to call him and see him and talk to him. I'm just so curious about his life. I guess no matter how horrible he was to me I just can;t stop thinking about him. He's always going to be this huge part of my life. And to stop talking to him entirely is just so strange to me still. I know what you're going to say I'm better off without him. Yeah i agree with you 100% but that can't stop me from thinking what could have happened. I guess seeing that he still exists is a weird feeling for me. Lik ei have pushed him in the back of my mind for so long that i pretend he was never there. But seeing his car was physical proof. According to his girlfriend and best friend he isn't happy. And this kills me. Not because i want to be with him. But knowing that he isn't happy. I wish he was. He said not being with me would make him happy. And when i finally accepted that it made me happy for him knowing his life would be better without me. But knowing/sort of knowing that it is not kills me. I just care about people too much, especially him. I'm trying to be positive about it all. But just before i sat down to write this, i went into my room to look for something in a drawer. And i found the jewelry box I hid from myself over six months ago. And i took out the ring and i put it on my finger. where it had been for two years. And with that, I found the necklace he gave me for our first valentine's day three years ago, and with that, I found the bracelet he suprised me with last year, on my birthday. And i thought about that birthday and how happy i was. He gave me this really cute purse, which i absolutely loved but i was confused because he never gave me purses. Then i saw the card and i read it, and it said, "if you haven't already, check the pockets." and inside was this beautiful diamond bracelet. It was the sweetest thing he ever did. And i made sure he knew it. And when i told him that and how i had been upset because we had been talking less and less he said, "well, i like to think of our relationship like this: you're hanging over a cliff holding on to a rope that i am holding, and i let it slip sometimes, but then i pull it back up and everything's okay again." i don't know. i just think tomorrow is going to be difficult for me. I need to take off all this jewelry. I hope no one sees me wearing it.
Tags: Lonely
First of all, i know how ridiculous this is going to sound. So I'm just forewarning you.
Also, hopefully, no one else has had to experience the kind of relationship i was in. Yes i am only 16. But age really doesn't matter with things like this.
(apparently, aside from everything else I worry what others think. I am trying hard to work on that.)
It was my first serious relationship. So of course the ending is not going to be a good one. But things really went horribly wrong. We were together for three years. he was all i ever knew. I did everything for him and i loved him with all of my little heart. Our relationship was very intense from the get go. I don't really need to go into all the details now.
But to explain what happened tonight, I have to give some sort of background, right?
I refused to see that he was changing. I knew it in my heart, but my mind wouldn't let me believe it. Because of this, he made me see it. He literally shoved in my face all of the ways he had changed i.e. all the new "friends" he had made, all the drugs he was doing. he shoved in my face that he didn't love me anymore (and that claims he never did) he shoved in my face that he had moved in with another girl.
the typical teenage girl that i am. i completely lost it.
No way could he be avoiding me! He loves me. His phone is just broken, I don't care. I'm still going to do whatever he wants when he finally sees me. it was pretty disgusting what i did for him. but i didn't know any better.
He gave me a promise ring. And at one time. He meant every word he said when he gave me that ring. -BUt when i get upset and confused at how he could possibly not love me any more when I felt the way i had always felt, he laughed in my face. "how could you be so F***ing immature to think that we would get married or that ring meant anything. how could you be so F***ing stupid?"
it just got worse and worse from there. he told me he had moved in with a girl he met? i dont even understand that part. (side note, he and his parents hated eachother so he never lived at home)
the next thing i knew, this girl was his girl friend. and she hated me and found me threating. which i could not understand for a second because he hated me right? his explaination "she sees right through that" she sees right through WHAT!? -then if he still had feeligns for me why was he with her?
absolutely NOTHING made sense to me at the time.
eveyrthing was happening SO fast.
he had changed into this completely different person.
In the end he decided the only way to get me completely away from him is to threaten a restraining order. which also made no sense because he continued to contact me, but would blame me for it.
anyways, things ended pretty badly.
sorry to go off on a tangent liek that haha.
the last time we talked was exactly two months ago. He was going to the courthouse to fight a parking ticket and he told me if i called him again that morning, he would walk righ tover and get the restraining order. something clicked. i didn't want to put my self through that agony any more. i would shake at the thought of talking to him. and i would vomit in his presence because of the anxiety he caused me.
things have been pretty great since he's been gone.
but tonight. (this is where it gets very "high school" beware!)
i am on aim chatting with one of my friends when he signs on. which he never does. and if he does he signs on for maybe a minute at a time and then quickly signs off. but tonight things were different. he signs on and puts up an away message. and i was curious, so i read it. it said
"don't act like you don't want to."
first of all. am i crazy or who else could he really be directing that towards? or i am i really that self centered to think that there is no one else he could be directing that towards but me?
luckily, i care more about myself now to not do anything crazy about it, like call him and ask him. i don't think i could handle another personal attack from him. aside from that, i don't want to break my "sobriety" from him. 60 days and counting.
i don't know if it's possible to be sober from a person?
thank you for listening to my rant
i feel a little better now hah.
Right now, i'm having a battle of wits with myself. I need to sleep, but every night when i sleep i dream. So instead of sleeping right now I am fighting to stay awake. I honestly can no longer deal with having a great dream about the way i wish things were and then wake up to find out nothing has changed. I don't know how else to prevent myself from having these dreams! it is incredibly frusterating and draining.
I thought i had finally gotten over most things. Who knows. I don't think i ever really will be.
Here is some crap poetry type thing i wrote when I was still feeling pretty good about finally accepting the way things are going to be now. It needs work definitely but oh well:
Another sleepless night A lot has changed since the last time. I no longer call out your name praying that you will hear me. I no longer reach out for your touch, the one that was never really there. I am no longer bothered by the thoughts of your presence- wherever that may be. it seems like forever, since the last time I saw you. I am no longer angry with all that you put me through. I am no longer sad- just disappointed how it ended
The only memories of you that cross my mind are not the bad, nor the great but all of those in between. The nights we shared driving in peace. Looking off into the pitch-black distance Feeling the wind in my hair. The smell of your cigarettes. the taste of mine. The cold air that filled my lungs, night after night. The best moments of my life- spent inside that car, on those dark, winding, endless roads. Those ice cold nights, pack aftter pack, with you.
If anything, I miss those nights we never had a destination and we never said a word It was an unspoken bond we shared. The best
The bond is broken, our bond- shattered But who's at fault? I don't think we'll ever know. The answer remains unknown The mystery unsolvable
When everything falls apart as it always does. I no longer blame myself. I no longer blame you. I blame our shattered relationship. Whosever fault it may be.
I would love to see you one day Maybe we will meet again On that dark, winding, endless road But if not. I'll never forget those nights.
Do I ever cross your mind? Nothing's been the same since you've been gone.
I no longer cry at your expense.
yes yes yes it needs work. but its a really good start i think.
Tags: Tired
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