Today was just one of those days...

I just graduated with my Medicinal Chemistry degree last month.  I decided to take a year off before applying to med school and am working in a research lab fulltime right now.  Definitely NOT what I am meant to do in this life.  It is like watching the paint dry every single day.  Painfully boring but I need the money.. probably the story of a majority of people's lives.  So I spent 8 hours doing something I hate.

Little background on the next part of my day.  My boyfriend is an alcoholic.  He has also been my best friend for four years.  We can talk about anything.  I noticed that these past two weeks he has been distant and I know he has started drinking again.  He always says he will start AA or get some other kind of help, and I keep encouraging him to come to my meetings but then he decides he doesn't have a problem.  I don't want to be the bitchy girlfriend who makes him do something, I don't want to have to give him an ultimatum, I want him to want to get better for himself, because he wants his life back.  I know from my personal experience with addiction that you have to want to do this for yourself.  You are the one you can always count on.

So, I get off work.  Am supposed to go to dinner with him.  He is in a bad mood and we start fighting over something insignificant.  He tells me to go try eating by myself (I still struggle with bulimia).  We yell some more.  I break up with him.  He went out of his way to say everything he knows would hurt me.  I wanted so badly to just give up on the whole recovery thing, seeing that someone who says they love me would throw everything in my face like that.  I didn't though.  Starving myself, running forever, purging, taking vicodin, none of it will change what happened and it is just a temporary fix. 

I want so badly to give up right now so I thought blogging would be a good distraction.  Thank you for listening. 

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"If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough, but the heart keeps telling you don't give up, who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what. Don't give up."

It's been a little while since I have written a blog.  I just finished another semester of school.. it was a rough one.  I had more bad days than good, but I am doing better now.  On Day 7 of being clean from bad habits. :) My goal right now is to make it to 30 days.  Then hopefully it gets easier.  I hate starting back at day 1 but I know all the "do-overs" will be worth it in the end.  One of these days this is going to stick.  6 years of h*ll? is enough for me.

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darn bulimia. 

I am stuck (momentarily, I hope) in the seemingly endless cycle of restricting, bingeing, purging and running.  And for what?  It has been proven again and again that it gets me nowhere.  I don't see the benefit.  Yet I do it.

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Poem I found that I had written while I was in treatment Oct 2007.  It doesn't have a title or anything... but here it is~



The choices we make,

Decipher the paths we take,

May they be right or wrong,

It isn’t always easy to live so strong.

Everyone has a battle to fight,

At times, hope seems out of sight,

We can choose to deal, or run and hide,

But it is too much to bear, to keep inside.

Realizing life comes with the good and the bad,

We must appreciate what we have and had,

To live every day taking nothing for granted,

To keep our feet on the ground, firmly planted.

Everyone lives their life the best they think they can,

Of course, it may not always be according to plan,

Forced to cope with whatever comes our way,

Some people look for distraction, while others pray.

Everyone has their own way to cope, to survive,

Sometimes an addiction becomes our way to stay alive,

Some people find comfort in drugs and drinking,

A certain numbness, involves no thinking.

No matter the battle inside or out, being avoided or fought,

It always ends with at least one lesson being taught,

A sense of numbness can never really last,

And one’s life begins spiraling downhill, all too fast.

Hope and faith are needed to stay on track,

To help one find something one’s life may lack,

With them, the possibilities are anything in between,

And we can forget all the hurt we have felt or seen.

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I have officially made it 15 days without purging/bingeing/restricting/ excessively exercising :)

I feel so much better physically and mentally.  I have more energy already and my mood has improved.  I like knowing that I can do this on my own.  This cycle has an end if I just keep fighting and not give up.

I don't need my eating disorder.  I have not been in control of my life for five years.  Even though it started out by helping me cope with different events in my life, somewhere along the way my anorexia/ bulimia turned into a compulsive addiction and 'monster'.  I am finally figuring out how to free myself from it.  

I realize life is too short to waste it by letting an addiction consume it.  There are so many things I could be doing other than making myself miserable and isolating myself from everyone I love and who loves me. 

I look at my mom and see her outlook on life.  I want to live my life just as she does.  Despite everything she has been through because of her cancer diagnosis, she is always positive and looks for the good in everything.  She doesn't let her illness get her down, and I won't let mine.  When I fall, I will pick myself up over and over until I finally win this battle.  All because I know it will be worth it in the end when I finally have the life I want, being a doctor helping people and making the most of my time here.

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I didn't purge today!!!  I even ate a piece of cake with my friends and didn't feel bad about it.  Small step forward.

This week went okay.  On average, I have just been purging once a day, on a really good day, not at all.  This is pretty good for me.  Ugh, I remember last fall when I had to take a medical leave to enter treatment, I was absolutely miserable and bingeing/ purging about 5-6 times a day.  Talk about feeling like crap all the time.  I never want to be back there. 

I only have 2 weeks left of physics and I get to go home for 3 weeks before I start classes AGAIN.  I can't wait to go home.  I miss my family and home.  I am working at a pediatricians' office full time, where I have been working on and off for 5 years.  I am excited about that too.  I realized today how nice it is to actually get excited about stuff again.  For awhile there, I was so consumed by my eating disorder that I didn't care about anything.  I used to dread hearing my alarm go off because I knew I would waste my time isolating myself and acting impulsively.  I can't wait until that feeling completely goes away. 

I have been thinking about faith a lot lately.  I really wish I had strong faith in God.  I know it would only help me overcome my addiction.  I just don't know how to believe in something without doubting.  Even in my science courses, my professors talk about higher powers and God existing.  I wish I knew where to find the answers I am looking for.

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I like this site already.  I actually journal again, which I had completely stopped doing for a year.  Not sure why but I know I did better when I wrote about stuff and didn't keep everything in.

I am doing okay.  I have been feeling kind of down lately though.  I always feel alone even in a room of friends.  If an outsider looked at my life, they probably would say I seem to have it all.  I have a great and loving family, supportive friends, am a premed/ medicinal chemistry major with a perfect GPA... yet I am still not happy.  If you have any advice, I am more than willing to listen.  I don't know what it is that I am missing.  I just know that I need to find it to completely overcome and free myself from this cycle of bulimia. 

My friends save me from myself this weekend.  I honestly don't know what I would do without them.  Friday two of my closest friends from grade school came up to my apartment (about an hour and half from our hometown) to visit for the weekend.  The reason behind the visit was that Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of my best friend's fatal car accident.  Tiffany and I met in grade school at the age of 10.  We were inseparable until her passing July 12, 2005 at 18.  I can still remember the exact moment my mom told me the news and my reaction.  She had been driving too fast in the rain on a road a few miles from where we both lived and at a curve, she went over the line and hit a truck.  She was killed instantly, which is comforting I guess...  I get so sick just thinking about it.  She was 18 yrs old.  We were supposed to go to college together.  She never got the chance to really live.  And here I am, wasting my years on purging.. I feel horrible.

If I hadn't been surrounded by friends this weekend, I would have locked myself in my room and completely given into my eating disorder so I wouldn't have to think about Tiffany... or cry.  I don't know why I don't like crying... but I just don't.  However, I didn't binge or purge once this weekend :)  I did drink though, so I am trading one addiction for another. 

My family surprised me too by coming up yesterday.  Very nice surprise.  I got so depressed when everyone had to leave though. And that depression seems to continue.

I don't sleep well and it is starting to get to me.  I have been thinking a lot lately and I wish I had faith in something again.  I grew up attending catholic schools but after my friend's death, my mom's stage III breast cancer diagnosis, and so many other events of the past five yrs I keep doubting it.  I think i need God though.  He has to exist, right?

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I am new to this site and don't know anyone here.  I joined because I realize I cannot do this on my own.  This whole recovery thing that is.  I have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia since the age of 16 and now I am 21.  I cannot believe I have been torturing (best way I can describe it) myself for 5 years.  I have lost so much because of my inability to eat "normally".  It is expensive, the health consequences are numerous, and it leaves me emotionally drained.  Yet, I am addicted to it.  Every time I take a step forward, I seem to take two steps back.  Day after day, I attempt to do something different, to find an end to this seemingly neverending cycle.  I always go back though.  In a way, I can always count on it to numb me, keep me distracted, etc from everything around me.  It is my only coping skill... and I want to find a new way to deal with my stress and anxiety because bingeing/ purging/ starving/ compulsive and excessive exercise is not working for me.  The way I live my life is exhausting and I know I can't keep going like this, nor would I ever want to.  I want to be the one in control of my life. 

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