Well, it's been several months since I posted here. Nothing new. I'm still hanging onto my alcoholic friend, hoping for a change for the better. Sometimes I lose hope.

     A couple days ago, the Veteran's Hospital called me, said he had checked himself in. They said his alcohol level was unbelievably high. Asked me if I thought he was suicidal. I really had to THINK before answering. Don't know if I gave the right answer. He had told them I am his fiance, a bald-faced lie. I told them I believe he will eventually drink himself to death but that I didn't think he was going to do it TONIGHT. Now I feel guilty. Perhaps, had I said, yes, I feel he is suicidal, they would have kept him, against his will for detox. I DID, however, tell the nurse who called me, that when he is released, he finds beer in the hospital, and is drunk before he even walks out their door. She admitted that is a problem at the VA hospital.

     Should I refuse to see him? He shows no tenderness toward me. We are merely friends. I feel that I am one of a very few friends that he has. This puts an uncomfortable weight on me. This relationship is not good for me or my health, and yet, I can not push him out of my life. 

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Well, my friend was drinking before he even left the hospital grounds. I was pretty discouraged and depressed for a while, but could not give up hope entirely. Now he is sober for about seven days. We attended an AA meeting two days ago, together. When I found him at the hospital, again drunk, I said things I KNEW I shouldn't, accusing, blaming. I know this does no good for either of us. As he again starts down his road with AA, I will try to take to heart my own steps, trusting all to God and striving for serenity. Thanks to all for thier kind supportive words.

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I got a phone call around Noon yesterday from my friend, saying he was in the hospital psych ward for a long weekend. I was finally able to breath a sigh of relief, gather my wits about me, relax, knowing he wasn't laying dead somewhere. I am praying that this will be the start of a clean and sober stretch, his last ended two months ago, but it went for ten months, what heaven. Thanks for all at this site sending me your prayers, support and kind words. Sometimes it's not easy loving those we do, family is not often understanding, and we DO get discouraged. With God and the support of friends, we come to realize that you don't always get what you want, but you often do get what you need.

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So.....yesterday was my first Alanon meeting. I left there with so much determination, so much conviction that I was on a new path that would lead me out of the craziness. Huh.

    Today my alcoholic, bipolar friend had a doctors appointment, psych, which he really, really needed. I knew that if I didn't call him to remind him of the appointment, he would not remember. Sure enough, he not only didn't remember the appointment, he didn't even know what day today was. It should have tipped me off that he didn't know what WEEK this was. Honest. Well, I offered to take him to the VA hospital, thinking that if I took him, I could make sure he would see the doctor, pick up his meds, and get him safely back home. When I got to his house, with plenty of time to get to the appointment, I soon realized that he was drunk, too far gone to stand up. Self-medicating, replacing the meds he normally takes for mangled arm, shoulder, and knees. It took me over an hour to talk him into going, by that time we missed the appointment, but I figured maybe he could see SOME doctor, get some bona fide meds, maybe even check into the psych ward for a couple of days. When we got to the hospital, he finally realized what time it was and several times made the comment that he shouldn't have waited for me, he should have gotten there on his own!!! He had totally forgotten that he was too drunk to stand and unwilling to go to the doctor when I arrived at his house. Missing the appointment was all my fault. According to him. We spent the next 90 minutes going from doctors office to pharmacy to doctors office to pharmacy, with him not being able to stay in one spot for more than ten minutes, often popping out to a smoking area where he would smoke AND sell packs of cigarettes to other patients, therebye raising beer money, which was in his plans all along. After reaching the doctor on the phone, he convinced the doctor that if he didn't get some meds soon, he was going to do physical damage to SOMEONE, the doctor prescribed a bottle of gabapentine--used for pain and anxiety. Within minutes after recieving the bottle of pills, my friend zipped into the men's bathroom to take some of the pills. He still had not SEEN the doctor, only talked to him on the phone. Within about 20 minutes, my friend was urging me to go home, leave him at the VA hospital, which I was suspecting was his agenda all along. At the VA hospital, for about $20. , you can buy just about any drug you desire, and plenty of "brothers" to hide you somewhere in the building while you trip. Oh, the things I've learned in the last two months! Once the pills kicked in, he quickly showed me that he could now outrun me, and knew of dozens of places in the many buildings in which to hide. Again he urged me to go home, and this time I did. As I headed to my car, I could see him heading across the parking lot to the liquor store for beer. You know, at this point, I just didn't care. There was no way I could stop him. HELL, I BROUGHT him there! When I got home, there was a message on my machine from him. He bragged that he took about 30 pills and was flying. He said he had about 6 pills left. I called him and asked what he would do when he ran out of pills. He said he would go to the emergency room and they would have to treat him. What a coniver. And me---what an enabler. The best of intentions gone awry. How does someone NOT get sucked up into this? And you know what's really sad? When he is off drugs and booze, properly on his bipolar meds, he's the sweetest guy, you just wouldn't believe it's the same man. What can I say? I failed myself and him. Do I have to tell him to stand or fall on his own? Today has broken my heart. Today I failed at "Detachment". Tomorrow I start all over again. From the beginning. Till I get it right. I need some prayers tonight.

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   Yesterday was my first Al-Anon meeting. I've been talking about going for a couple of months, but, you know, things have to get really bad before you reach for that helping hand that prevents you from drowning. I decided to walk from my house, wearing these cute sandals that have been perfectly fine for piddling around the house. Of course, by the time I got there, about ten blocks away, I had oozing blisters. The meeting lasted an hour and a half. I spent most of that time blubbering like an idiot. Apparently I felt this was a safe place to unload the craziness and tension that have been building up in me for the last six weeks. If you knew me, you would know I DO NOT CRY. I'm a tough woman. Raised two kids alone and did a good job of it. They are healthy, happy, college-educated, in good marriages, working, supporting families of their own. I am now raising a foster son. I am a strong woman. But I ran to this meeting like it was my lifeline out of hell. And maybe it will be. I was given a lot of printed material, but the one I am focussing on is a small piece of paper, about 7" X 3", titled "Detachment". It says that detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives. Wow. What a concept. This is something I really have to think about. There was a time when I HAD TO put myself and my children first. Somehow, somewhere, I lost that whole mindset. Many of my personal issues, my house, my properties, my relationship with my family, has gone downhill as I struggled to put my troubled friend ahead of my own obligations. Let's see how I can work on this in the next week.

   I've recieved great support from this group. Thanks so much for welcoming me and taking me in!!

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Hi, all. I'm new to all this....computers, web-sites, blogs. I'm kind of feeling my way in the dark. Don't know if I should even be here. I don't drink or do drugs, never have. My boyfriend of the last three months is bipolar, AA, and NA. The first two months were heaven. The last month was pure hell. He was ten months clean and sober but started drinking about six weeks ago. I don't know if the drinking or depression comes first. He also becomes paranoid, accusing me of saying and doing almost any horrible thing. Like many manic-depressives, he will not take his meds more than a few days at a time. Heaven help me but I love him. The harder I try to help him, the angrier he gets. If I agree with everything he says, that does not apease him either. His family has put up with this for nine years. I don't know how long I can live with this.

     We met through computer dating. Nine long months of torturous, disasterous dating. When I met him, I knew he was everything I always said I didn't want, all rolled up into one tall, profane package. 6'7", wild, tattooed, earringed, thrice-divorced. Coarse, vulgar. Ex-con. Ex drug addict. Proponent of AA, preaching it to all who would listen. And for the first month, a gentleman, with me.

      I don't know what caused his downfall into that merry-go-round of drinking and depression. I just can't figure it out. 

Tags: August 18 2008

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