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Well so far people talk about gifts of recovery.. mine hasn't come in material form but to have my daughter so close to me again and to have a boyfriend that loves me unconditionally has been my gifts. I feel so loved! My life is going into a very exciting direction, sometimes it scares me but mostly I feel excited about it. I know it's only been a month and a half, but it's been the first month and a half sober I've had in 3 years. I have been trying to deal with the financial s**t I've gotten myself into and it's hectic. I can't believe the amount of money that I spend on getting high. I can only sort it out bit by bit, month by month.. at least there is a plan.

Tags: Happy

I know I haven't been on the site for a while, went through a really tough time. Made the big step and went to rehad. Been out for a week now and I feel good and positive. I met amazing people and learned so much. I'm taking it day by day, staying sober just for today is what I am working towards. All one day's will end up in a lifetime of soberty. I'm doing the regular na meetings now and just want to say thank you to all the people that supported me during my really bad days. I know now that it starts with me...

Tags: Enthusiastic

One evening I was parked in front of the mall wiping off my car. I had just come from the car wash and was waiting for my wife to finish work.

Coming my way from across the parking lot, was what society would consider a bum. From the looks of him he had no car, no home, no clean clothes and no money.There are times when you feel generous, but there are times that you just don't want to be bothered. This was one of the Don't-want-to-be-bothered times! "Hope he doesn't ask me for money," I thought. He didn't. He came and sat on the curb in front of the bus stop and he didn't look like he could have enough money to even ride the bus.After a few minutes he spoke. "That's a very nice car," he said. He was ragged, but had an air of dignity around him.I said "Thanks," and continued wiping off my car.He sat there quietly as I worked. The expected plea for money never came. As the silence between us widened, something inside said, "Ask him if he needs any help." I was sure that he would say yes, but I held true to the inner voice."Do you need any help?" I asked. He answered in three simple, but profound, words that I shall never forget. We often look for wisdom in great accomplishments. I expect it from those of higher learning and accomplishments. I expected nothing here but an outstretched grimy hand. Then, he spoke three words that shook me. "Don't we all?" he said.I needed help. Maybe not for bus fare or a place to sleep, but I needed help. I reached in my wallet and gave him not only enough for bus fare but enough to get a warm meal and shelter for the day.Those three little words still ring true. No matter how much you have, no matter how much you have accomplished, you need help too. No matter how little you have, no matter how loaded you are with problems, even without money or a place to sleep, you can GIVE help. Even if it's just a compliment, you can give that!You never know when you may see someone that appears to have it all. They are waiting on you to give them what they don't have. A different perspective on life, a glimpse of something beautiful, a respite from daily chaos, that only you, through a torn world can see.Maybe the man was just a homeless stranger wandering the streets. Maybe he was more than that. Maybe he was sent by a power that is great and wise to minister to a soul too comfortable in himself.Maybe Someone looked down, called an Angel, dressed him like a bum and then said, "Go minister to that man cleaning the car, that man needs help." — DON'T WE ALL?

Tags: Lonely

Ok so since my boyfriend left me I just know this weekend I will get high and hate myself on Monday. So I have decided I will be attending my first NA meeting tonight, without pressure from anyone but because I really feel the need to. It is up to ME to work through this and I intend to. I have become so close to my daughter again and don't want to mess that up again. I feel lonely, depressed and angry. But I must stand on my own two feet and not depend on anyone to get me through this but myself and god. I am very angry at Andrew for leaving me after he said he will stand by me through my withdrawels and cravings etc.. he couldn't handle it and I suppose I can't blame him but I needed him to be there for me when things got tough.

Tags: Depressed

Step 3 - I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God ·         What are your greatest fears about giving up control over your life to God as you understand God?My greatest fear is feeling vulnerable and not completely believing that god controls my life but I do. That my god is my higher self and can I trust her to do what is right for me?·         What things, people or circumstances have you tried to control in the past and how has that turned out? Do you think that God will be able to handle your life better than you have?I have tried to control people by manipulating them and yes I suppose that makes me co-dependant as well. The more I tried to control the more control I lost and that made me a very miserable person to be around. I have learned not to do that anymore though and letting things just happen without trying to force it definitely works. I believe a lot of people can handle my life better than I have I suppose, I believe god would make different choices than I have.·         How do you feel in general about turning your life over to God? It scares the crap out of me!! When Desmond died I needed him more than ever and I can honestly say I felt he wasn’t there! I went through hell almost took my own life more than once, whether it was god that intervened I don’t know. I still can’t believe that Desmond was taken away from me and I’m still trying to come to terms with it. If there is a god why would he test me like that, put me through so much pain, why?·         In what ways will you keep up the process of turning your life over to God? Possibilities include going to religious services, 12 Step meetings, meeting with others in recovery, writing a journal, service to others, meditation, reading, physical exercise, contacting your sponsor or engaging in therapy.I am planning on going to NA meetings, I do write a journal and do exercise. I do think I need therapy though.·         How would you answer the question "Who am I"? I am a little girl who never got the chance to really express her feelings. Was taught to hide my feelings from the world, crying made me weak and no one likes a weak person. I’ve been through too much and seen too much, trying to find some “purity” inside.·         How would you answer the question "Who is God"? In other words, describe God as you understand God. It’s our higher self. It is loving yourself, respecting yourself, accepting yourself. ·         Describe who or what you trust and to what degree.I trust that there is a higher power than ourselves and I trust that he puts roadblocks on our paths in order for us to grow. I don’t believe there is a hell, only in our minds does that hell exist.·         In what do you find meaning now or think that you can find meaning in the future?I find meaning in letting my fears go slowly one by one by facing them. That I have to deal with my past in order to have a future.·         How do you think that you should live your life after giving your life over to the care of God as you understand God? What changes do you expect to make and how will this look in specific detail?I believe that I should not poison my body and mind. I want to enjoy the simple things in life again. I want to get excited like a child again.·         How do you plan to celebrate or honor this step of turning your life over to the care of God?·         Describe any celebration or honoring activity that you have actually made in turning your life over to the care of God.

Today I started looking at the life I want to leave behing. Days of taking drugs and crying all the time, feeling this empty hole growing larger and larger inside me. After a lifetime of suppressing my feelings with substances, I don’t know what I am feeling. So I took more and cried more and didn't go near intimate relationships, unless they were brief affairs.  Hungry ghosts demanding to be fed, the gaping empty hole inside, always feeling something is missing and trying to fill the gap with substances, ever seeking the secret to happiness that will change my haunted live. I think spirituality comes to all of us when we finally face ourselves, are honest with ourselves and learn to respect and care for ourselves. It’s so darn hard to deal honestly with my feelings, to finally start facing my fears and yes to start taking responsibility for the chaos in my live.My boyfriend asked me the one day what do I feel inside. I couldn’t answer him, I felt nothing, I felt hollow inside. I think back at my childhood and can’t remember one, not even one happy memory, have I lost all my good memories or are don’t I have any. I grew up in a domestic violent house and all I can remember was always finding my mom crying and my dad beating her up. I felt so helpless because I couldn’t help her, to this day I suffer from insomnia. Growing up I was always so scared to sleep just in case she cried for my help. Always anxious, nervous, angry. So those are my childhood memories, I try so hard to remember being happy but I can’t..

Tags: Lonely

Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You

Tags: Happy

Ok so I have had a look at step 3 and must admit I'm battling with that one. I have always believed that I create my reality and nothing happens by chance. For me to just say I leave my "life" in the hands of god makes me feel that I don't want to take responsibility for my own life??

What a morning!!! Friday night was tough but ok. Saturday was make or break, thank God for my boyfriend, he picked up on itand made sure he kept me busy. Sunday spend the day at the zoo. It was a long and difficult weekend. Moods up and down, how Andrew copes with me I don't know, my moods scare me. Send me beautiful flowers. He is such a honey! My nose is healing and it feels good to kinda breathe again. First weekend clean in 3 years :-) Summer is around the corner and the smell of summer just push the seretonin level skigh high. I can start working in my garden again, which I missed doing so much. All in all I'm good :-))

Tags: Wonderful

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