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Viewing 1 - 9 out of 17 Blogs.
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lately ive been down and sad and completely mad at the world, life, and myself. but ive been praying a lot lately. i know that i cant make this life the way i want it, so i finally gave in to the fact that maybe, just maybe, God can fix things for me. and outta no where, when i was paying no attention, life seems a little better, a little brighter, and clearer. im seeing things about myself that i couldnt see before, no matter how much i tried. and im making good decisions today, based not on self but for the good of others. i had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning feelings of hope and strength. i had forgotten the program and all the blessings that come along with it.... and now that im going through all the wonderful, exciting feelings again i ask myself 'how did i ever live without this?' not all days are going to be this good but i have hope that each day will be better than the last, even if i cant see it now, each day holds its on lesson... thanks to all my friends out here for your feedback and thoughts... love you all!
Tags: Happy
"the pain is in the hanging on, not letting go" thats what i remind myself daily. letting go of things that hurt me doesnt cause me more pain; the pain comes from hanging on, pushing it away and then pulling it back. its that type of behavior that keeps me stuck. when i choose to let God have my problems, i need not worry about them, for they are in His hands and not mine. but being the person that i am, i tend to think that He needs MY help or He isnt doing things fast enough for me, which in turns sets back my grown process. today i practice letting go in all areas of my life. somethings need to be gone in order for new things to come in their place. its a time for new beginnings and a time for a new life.... love you all!
Tags: Sad
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falling
Posted On 01/04/2008 08:14:59
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ok, yeah, well, i drank on new years eve... my offical clean date is on january 1st but i cant change the year just yet. i wanted to make my good time better but i only made my spirit worse. ive got to stay on track. its not so much as the drug/alcohol use as it is my behaviors and thinking pattern. i stay angry and cant see no happiness in life. my life is miserable and its of my own making. my boyfriend is in for a wk, well ex-boyfriend now, and its been the longest, most stressful wk of my life. hes an alocholic and im an addict... and we dont mix. we are destroying each other and it hurts to see that. sometimes i dont wanna leave cuz of what the breakup will do to him but what will it do to me if i stay? thats the question i had to ask myself last night. whos more important.... me or him? and I am more important to ME. if i fall apart, aint no one gonna fix me.... i spend too much of my time worrying bout him that i have no energy left to focus on me..... that that was my deciding factor in that. neways, thanks for listening... im a little discouraged but im hopeful still...... xoxo
Tags: Disappointed
hello all! long time no contact. hell, ive not had contact with anyone. relationships suck! ive been in one for almost a year, in and out, and ive come to realize that not all is what it seems. and ive learned the hard way that one cant believe every promise spoken, sincere as it may sound. i have a golden heart and i look for the best in everyone. i believe ppl when they promise to change, when they say they arent lying, and then i end up hurt. and it didnt cause me to use, but it definitely caused just as much chaos and pain as if i did. i lost my peace of mind during that time. i lost a part of myself that im not sure i can get back. i give pieces of myself to my loved ones along the course of my life, and now at 25 (as crazy as it seems) im not sure how much of me i have left. i love blogs cuz i can write how i feel and be ok with that. cant anyone critize me of how i feel nor can they crush my dreams... not any longer... i hope to be able to do this on a daily basis... with the holidays coming up, im kinda depressed. this is the only christmas ive celebrated since my mothers death 6 yrs ago... keep me in your prayers... love you guys! i miss yall 2
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answers
Posted On 10/26/2007 16:12:26
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well, its truely been a long time since ive been on here. life really sucks. just found out that i could have breast cancer. went to another doctor today and they wanna run all kinds of tests. on top of that i have IBS with D and C. and that blows cuz i cant eat due to the pains in my stomach. im down to 92lbs. and being 5'5, i look like death on a stick! my kidneys (left one to be exact) are acting up. my natural grandmother died at 29 from kidney failure, my aunt went into kidney failure, and now mine are giving me problems it seems that when one thing get settled, another problem wants to crop up. my mind has been in a horrible state and i dont know how to get outta it. every recovery slogan and term doesnt work... i pray but to no avail. im getting fed up with life!!! and if something doesnt give soon, ima break....
Tags: Angry
im very discouraged. im havin a hard time finding a job here in MD cuz of my criminal record. i dont think its fair. many felons out there are trying to find ligitiment jobs without goin back to the streets. but every place ive been to is not willing to take a chance with me. i dont know wat else to do! im almost to the point of saying "forget it" and goin back to tennessee. ive tried calling the state and looking at web pages. and i cant seem to find anything... if anyone knows of a way to help me, plz let me know. thanks all....
Tags: Disappointed
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life
Posted On 09/15/2007 16:06:00
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ive been thinking alot about my life and why i am the way i am. it was easy for me to accept the fact of my abuse as a child and the effects it has had on me growing up. but what was hard for me to swallow is the fact that i come from a very dysfunctional family. i never realized that what went on in my home as a child and what happened to me on a daily basis wasnt "normal". i didnt know that these things didnt normally go on in other ppls lives. still, today, its hard for me to grasp. i dont even like voicing "dysfunctional family". it seems sick and twisted, yet everything i experienced as a child was sick and twisted. ive read many articles and such on things such as this and it doesnt seem too promising. i wonder if ill ever learn to live like others, and not result to my childhood as a cause for all my problems. am i forever doomed to live a dysfunctional life due to the way my mother treated me? am i always gonna scarred from the childhood abuse? any feedback would be great... thanks family!!! *you guys are my family* be blessed!
for those of you who asked about my wreck and progress over time here are pics so you can visualize what i say. it was a saddening experience but one that has helped me grow. 
 
and this was me before the wreck... 
this was before my skin graph.... 
despite my pain and the loss of my self-esteem, i still love being me. i love my good qualities along with my bad ones, and ive accepted the fact ill always have my scar and no eye brow... but i have my life, and thats whats most important... be blessed!
Tags: Sad
i believe one of the hardest things i have to watch in my life is the self-destruction of my brother. i live with him and his family. they were kind and forgiving enough to allow me to stay with them until i get my life back on track. they are good ppl with great careers and 2 well mannered boys (18 & 14). my brother has cronic back pain and has had several major surgeries on his back. this has been going on for over 18yrs. and so has his pill usage. he takes prescription pain pills. and although his wife gives him the correct amount each day, he still tends to pull addict behaviors and overdose from time to time, or steal his pills or buy more online. ive talked to him about recovery and hes well aware of the program and what goes along with that. they only problem is his back, in which he cant quit taking his pills. his body is overly dependent on them and it would be fatal to come off of them (hes had many doctors opinions). its truely sad to watch him, and his actions cuz i know what hes going through and what hes doing. i often wonder "was i like that?" the answer is yes... and i still am. i still carry those traits and behaviors. yet, mine isnt as active as his is.... if anyone has any feedback, i would appreciate it... thanks all and be blessed!
Tags: Reflective
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