Hello! I havent been on here for months...ive been out there struggling...but i have 2 weeks sober and im sticking to my program.  Im doing well in school, but i know i need some support...my university is in a small town...theres only one meeting a day...and not many people that go to it.  I asked a lady to be my sponsor...she agreed, but i am slowly finding out that she wasnt the best person to ask...but there was no one else..she only wants to argue about politics with me and tell me how her family hates her...anywho...I thought maybe id find someone on here willing to help me stay accountable and focused on the program...possibly an online sponsor? 

I graduate college next May...and my ultimate goal in sight is to graduate with a year sober...and I have a year ahead of me...so it sounds like a great plan to me...I am super serious about working hard and abstaining completley...I dont just want to put "the plug in the jug" I want to work the steps, learn, and heal.  and I know I will need support...and I am recently learning to ask for help! haha.

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Hey friends!  Once again I relapsed...it started out as it always does...I felt the need for relief so i bought some pot and was couped up for about a week in my apartment getting high 4-5 times a day...then i found someone with vicodin...then two days ago i bought a fifth of vodka and a 12 pack of beer...the next morning i woke up at 7am and threw up untill 11pm, it was horrible.  I was stressed about some test results...I have had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix and i went to get a check up on that...then they called me to come in to talk with the doctor, i got all worked up about that, and all they had to tell me was they didnt do the test right so i need to go back in 6 months...but im switching dr.s so they can get it right this time.  I would have been celebrating 3 months in a couple days, but today I am celebrating 24hours.  I am gearing up for my second year at WIU...I am a bit devastated that I am still in the midst of my addiction...because I origanally got sober 2 years ago so i could go to college and now ive been here for a little over a year and i feel like im in worse shape than when i started.  I want to be sober so bad, and i know i can do it...i just need to learn how to cope with life's stress.  I never learned how to deal and manage stress...since i started drinking at the age of 12...i still feel like that 12 year old inside.  I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression lately, i just feel so much pain on the inside.  I am on antidepressants but i think when i started useing it messed up my chemicals.  I have been going to AA religiously but i feel like i need more help...i do see a councelor every week that the university provides for free, but i just think i need more direction and guidance.  This summer has been tough for me...lots of changes...i wrote about that in my last blog...it is still hard, and i feel like ive let my family down with losing my position at the school, and my dad is still job searching.  I feel like i take on all of my families worries and i just feel weighed down...my mom is an alcoholic and i worry about her, and my brother has been ill for a while now with candida...a yeast problem...i need to find healthy relief and I know i should be working out and doing healthy stuff...i just need some motivation i guess...i want to stop merely surviving and actually live the life gods given me.

thanks for reading!  Suggestions would be appreciated!!!

Katie

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hey everyone!!! I celebrated my 2 months of recovery on july 16th!!! It was a good feeling!  Im trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and stay in the big book.  In the last month my whole world has been turned upside down.  I was having trouble at my job and needed to speak with a supervisor, but for a week no one would make the time to talk to me...i got so frustrated and way too many little things built up and i had a bit of a breakdown that landed me in the hospital for what they called a "major depressive episode."  As soon as i returned to my job they fired me for having to be in the hospital...that same day my dads company went under...so I was out of luck for having any help with financing college...but a pastor of a local church mentioned he had an apartment for rent, so i moved in the next day...and i love it...the apartment is right behind a church and a coffee shop owned by my landlord...so he gave me a job and i was asked to show my art work in the coffee shop....all i can say is my higher power is providing...things are going smooth and its all because of god...he has plans for me and im going to trust him!!!

Later!!!

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hey everyone!  It has been way too long since ive been on this site!!!  Last night before i fell asleep I started thinking about how i havent written anything in a while....so heres a quick update!  I am back on track in recovery....just celebrated my one month on june 16th...after my 8 months of sobriety i relapsed and was back out for 3months...so now finally I am back on the water waggon and enjoying my summer...i realized i miss this site bc in my 8 months i used it a lot for support...so i amplanning on writting more often. 

Despite the relapse school is going great...i will be inducted in the fall into the National Society for Collegiate Scholars...something i am very proud of!  This summer I am working for the university as a resident assistant...so I am "in charge" of my floor in the dorm.  It has been very good, but i have had lots of ups and downs.  My mom called me june 1st to tell me my dog of 12 years passed away...and that was very hard for me...i cried and stayed in bed for 2 whole days...,but the grief passed and i didnt have to use over my sadness. 

Anywho...just wanted to say that I miss all of you who support me...and have been thinking of you!  And i will post more often now that I am sober again!!!

One day at a time!!!

Katie

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Hey everyone...i havent been on here for a while.  I had 8 months sober...but on march 28 i had a relapse, and haven't been able to kick it yet.  Im still going to meetings tho.  I started chairing the friday night meetings, so thats new and good.  I actually logged on here march 28th...i was trying to divert my thinking...and I journaled and read my big book, but my mind was set on drinking.  What is weird is that last year after i had 6 months sober, i relapsed in march...i dont know why that happened two years in a row in the same month.  I was completly conscious of that too.  I was determined to not drink this march, but i had been dealing with some crazy s**t here at school...and i couldnt handle it so i drank. my new sober date is April 26, 2009...and Iplan on keeping it that.  I just feel kinda beat...but still hopeful.

later!

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OMG!!! I cannot believe how busy I am this semester!  It was a rough start with math...i am so rusty...but I've been working hard...spending my weekends working on math problems...to keep my head above water.  With all of that I had a lot of negative thinking, and doubts about my capabilities... I fell into a depression for a few weeks :(but I know I can succeed...I will just have to work hard...I do feel overwhelmed a bit, but I can handle it.
Later!

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Sooo...I have survived!!! I am all packed up and leaving in the morning!!!  Ill make my 3 hr drive and be back to the place I love!  I am having mixed feelings though, its really weird to adjust to school, then have a month off and get adjusted here...and then back to school.  I do have a hard time adjusting and the beginning of anything is usually hard for me too. I had a good vacation...geezzz a whole month..seemed like a year!
I did meet up with my new sponsor and we did some serious step work and that went great!  I am glad to finally have a sponsor.  I have been missing my AA family at school, so I am glad to get back and see everybody.
I am very proud to say that I made the Deans List!!! 
so I am looking forward to this next semester and all the challenges it will bring...and i am totally ready for some warm weather!!!  This midwest winter is terrible... -20 today!!!!  Somebody needs to call Al Gore and order some of that global warming!!! JK!

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Today I am celebrating 6 months of consciousnes/sobriety!!!  this is my second time hitting 6 months..last year i drank the immediate day after  my 6 month mark...and learned sooo much from that huge mistake....that relapse lasted 4 months.  But today i am doing well, there are ups and downs, but i am learning how my higher power will get me through anything and place certain people in my life for various reasons like support, frienship, or even if it is to learn from their mistakes they are making so maybe i wont do the same!
anywho, things have worked out with my sponsor, she ended up calling and i went to her house...im starting on my fourth step!  should be interesting!
I think a lotta "junk" might be coming to the surface already and i am having very strange anxietys...it could also be due to having cabin fever from being stuck in my parents basement for the last month!!! ahhh!  but only one more week!!! Thank you God!!! 

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sooooo....i am surviving! haha.  i dont know how i am managing to though!  a few days ago my dad brought home 4 cases of beer, 2 bottles of khuluah(sp?) and 2 litres of jim beam....sooooo, he said, "why dont you drink like most college kids?"  he was mad at the fact that i wouldsnt participate in his irresponsibility.  He KNOWS that i dont drink...but i guess misery loves company.
so, I wrote before about getting a sonsor...We havent gotten together,weve made 6 different attemps, but she always calls to cancel.  I am trying to do my fourth step...but with being back and forth at school, then home for a few weeks then back, it is hard to have a sponser anywhere...idont have one now bc the person who I had got in contact with is entirely too flaky...and theres one woman back at school...but she's convinced she can take xanax as long as she doesnt drink.  so....someone at a meeting told me that because i dont have a steady sponso, that its going to be my fault when i relapse....UMMM...im pretty sure ive done everything i can to reach out...but people fail us, this has proved true over and over.  and i am not going to ask the xanax lady to be my sponsor...because it seems she is notbeing honest with herself.  So i am frustrated that i dont have anyone to help me thru the steps...are all "recovering" alcoholics/adict unreliable?  I am feeling a little resentment...and a bit of self pity...the top 2 offenders according to the big book...maybe thats all i can rely on, the big book...maybe i should give up on the physoical program of AA, and say F**k meetings...i know i know, i am in a mental relapse, where it all starts, in the mind.
SO, how do I stop it.  I dont have the urge to drink...thank god!  but where do i go from here, when it seems all my efforts to work hard at this(AA program and step work) have failed.  I am coming up on 6 months sober...the last timne i was 6 month sober i drank the next day...this past march was my relapse...that lasted 4 months.  I'm not too worried, i just really want to work the steps and stay on the ball with this! 
Other than that dillema, 2009 is looking bright!  i ordered the 12 books i need for next semster...sounds like ill be staying busy!!!
I have 2 more weeks off...too long for me actually!  Im ready to get back to school!!!
I hope everyones year is off to a nice start!!!

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