|
Viewing 1 - 9 out of 32 Blogs.
Page:
1 |
|
|
|
I got up an saw a bright new day today, Lord... and i looked up to the East as I sat on my porch... and i said HI!!! God, you have given me a NEW DAY. THANK YOU! I pray that i am trustworthy, with these 24 new hours you have given me. I ask that You help me to focus NOT on my pain, but on the Strength and Love You have given me. I ask that you will help me to open my eyes to the people i meet today. I ask that you will touch other's lives through me... and Father, I ask that You will Bless them! I ask you to Bless my family... and help me to be Loving toward them...
and as St. Francis Prayed... Let this be my prayer
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. Amen.
Tags: Spiritual Recovery HOPE
A thought came to me the other day.... how tires don't grip the road well when they are worn down. I think we are all like tires. We need to be updated, prodded for nails and need constant checks to see that we have enough Tread (or Groove) to keep us safe on this Road of Life. When our tires are worn... we can slip and slide into places that are detrimental to our Lives, and the lives of those we love. It is important that we get proper maintenance and a regular basis.
In so many ways I find scheduled maintenance here with you all. Also, with my Support People... but Mainly, with my God. When i am holding on to my life... i am more susceptible to falter... When i let go of my life --- Yielding my will to the Care of my Father, than i am more likely to be OK....
God never promised me that i would not have trouble in this life. He never said that it would be easy. He Does promise that He is With me ALWAYS... and that He will Never Leave! No Matter WHAT!
so, i guess it goes more like this....
jo- Let GO
to HOLD ON!
and the little dancing girl still sings
Big Hugs
jodyB
Tags: SURRENDER
If i took the class, and i screwed up the test... do i fail... do i fail permanently.
Does this mean that the hope and the Glory i share is not real???? That i am just a lyer.... Just another hypocrit spouting the same schtuffs.
I have step 3... to be the step i am working on... "am entirely ready to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand God..." When i slep... when i fall, does that make me go back to step one>>>
Whatever.... A Rose is a Rose, a Spade is a Spade.
Many of you have been supporting me... admonishing me to get the f@#&% of the fence and turn my life over to GOD. Truth is... I DO... and i mean it with my whole being. and then, once again, i sin. I blatantly go against what my heart knows to be right.
If I regard sin in my heart, the Lord will not hear me...
but this is what David the Psalmist says in Ps 66
16 Come and listen, all you who fear God,
and I will tell you what he did for me.
17 For I cried out to him for help,
praising him as I spoke.
18 If I had not confessed the sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
19 But God did listen!
He paid attention to my prayer.
20 Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer
or withdraw his unfailing love from me.
each time i turn my back on what i know to be right... Each time i go back so easily to the sin that so easily entangles me, i Crucify Christ once again.
And Each Time I cry out and admit my sin... He is ever ready and able to hear me, to forgive me.
But it is me that hangs on to the shame of the addiction... furthering its power and scum...
I know you care for me... people.... have any of yuo struggled like this... a yoyo person>>>
thank you for letting me share.
jodyB 
Tags: Struggles Addiction
It is so nice to have people here that really do love and support me... even with Tuff love... Love me enuf to make it hurt. People who are here for me in my pain... but will not put up with one bit of my BS and will call me on it. I believe my BS... really i do... and the slaps across the face sometimes... hurt... i d0 not want to accept responsibility... But Thank you... ALL my Friends... for being here with me along this journey.
I had an fall about a week ago...and was caught up in desparately wanting to be accepted and Loved and coddled. i don't understand all the particulars of other people's 'drug of choice". i DO know that mine is Sex./Relationship addiction ..but more than that... it involves obessive behavior.. Looking for that person du jour to take all the pain away! DAMMIT.... Not that person's 'yab, man" (Sorry, i am from LA... and many of the people from my area adopted this accent when they would retort "Not my Job, MAN!")
And whose job is it??? it is for me to turn all my problems... all my hopes and dreams... all my pain, my sin, my shame.... over to the care of my Higher Power.... Do i do this>>> "ell no! i say i do... i want to Want to WANT to.. put i give it to HIM... and then take it all back and look for my god of choice to be that for me....
Without getting Too hung up on this S:K* it slinging on me... cuz i can really get into degrading my self... and this too, can be addictive.. and then another reason to sin~!
i will say that i was wrong... that I have looked to someone to be for me what that person is not supposed to be. I have looked to a person to take the pain away. This is NOT a BAD/or wrong thing necessarily.
and the youtube channel is playing.... This is your life... by Swithchfoot...
"this is your life. and today is all you got now
don't close your eyes... this is your Life
.. are you Who YOU Want to Be?.."
time to take it and move on.
and now i hear...
:the River Song by Brian Doerksen
"to the River, I am going, Bringing sins i cannot Bear///
.... Lord I need to meet you There...
and in these Waters... Precious Freedom from Despair,,
Precious Jesus... i am ready to surrender every Care..!"
Deep breath/. Breathe in Freedom... Breathe out Pain... This is not a Quick FIX... One Day at a Time... One Moment at a Time... I thot at a time...
Father God... I admit that i am powerless over my life... over the effects of childhood and adult sexual abuse done to me. I am powerless over my looking for people /love / acceptance in all the wrong places and faces...my life is Unmanagable... I am scared!
I believe that Only You can fix the mess... as i turn my will and my life over to You...
Forgive me for choosing to dishonour You and look to someone else to meet these needs... Help me to turn to You...
Restore to me, I pray, the Joy of my Salvation
Another song... from youtube plays: "YET I WILL PRAISE YOU"
even when my heart is torn... I will Praise you Lord
Even when i feel Deserted, i will praise you Lord
and when my world is shattered and it seems i can't go one
yet, I will Praise you Lord!
jodyB
Tags: AddictionSurrender
Ya know... seems that for a long time now, God has laid on my heart to let people know that they are His Gift...
(I forget this about myself...I guess sometimes i am Bigger than GOD??? because i do not want/or cannot forgive!)
Anyway... when God lays this on my heart, i will tell the person... You are a Gift! A Blessing... And I Believe that! Now it seems that this is what God Means by that...
GOD's
Investment thru
Faith's
Transformation
God has invested in us... He has Given us the WHOLE WORLD.
He has invested in us.... He has Given us HIS SON to Redeem us from our Death(Sin)
He has Invested in US
He has given us HIS SPIRIT to be with us and be that Still small Voice that awakens us to do RIGHT in Him!
Thank you Father... Let me be your GIFT to myself... my family, my church, my neighbourhood, my world!
jodyB
Tags: HEALING
NOW there is never a time like Now Right NOW To say what you mean To say all you feel For Tomorrow Dissipates And is not more Hold fast to each Moment Make it count Make it yours For there is Never a time LIKE RIGHT NOW. © jodyB Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a Mystery, today is a Gift- that's why they call it the Present! - Bill Keane - Family Circus
Father... I thank you for these 24 new Fresh hours... I ask that You help me turn them over to you!
I give You my Past, for You alone can cleanse the pain, I Give You my Tomorrow... For You to Hold... Here am i at your feet... Jesus, I surrender to YOU...
Yesterday's Tomorrow is today...
Tomorrow's Yesterday, torn in two
Frighten, Weary
and wanting You!
jodyB
Tags: SernitySurrender
For ever so long i have had the Term "Locked In Syndrome" in my head and wanted to write about it. "Locked In Syndrome" is Horrific.
see wiki definitions
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locked-In_syndrome
Locked-in syndrome results in quadriplegia and inability to speak in otherwise cognitively-intact individuals. Those with locked-in syndrome may be able to communicate with others by coding messages by blinking or moving their eyes, which are often not affected by the paralysis. Patients who have locked-in syndrome are conscious and aware with no loss of cognitive function. They can sometimes retain proprioception and sensation throughout their body. Some patients may have the ability to move certain facial muscles, most often some or all of the extraocular eye muscles.
I I jhave felt "Locked-in and Trapped" in my head and heart for so long.. seeming unable to get passed my varied past... my neediness/my pain.I have lost so many jobs. I am often despondent. I currently deliver the newspapers 3 days a week to several hundred homes.(takes 8 hrs or so).. but i needed to do a Reality Check... I AM NOT LOCKED IN! I DO HAVE ABILITIES>>> I DO HAVE RIGHTS>>> I DO HAVE GIFTS I CAN USE.
i can lift my arms to carry the papers/push the cart, touch a loved one. I can Lift up my arms in Praise to God...
I can walk/run... for hours... Many people can't even walk!
i can drive
i can worship my God in Freedome and Truth with out Fear of persecution
I can make a wage... albeit a small one.
I AM NOT LOCKED IN... (even though i feel it so much_)
I AM ABLE to do SO MUCH
Remember to be Grateful!
ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
jodyB
Tags: ANGERFearGratitued
I would love to talk about my problem with my drug of choice, but it feels very scary... like step 13! My addiction is Sex. usually what i do for someone. and this addiction is driving my crazy... and i feel like i am going into the craziness that i have seen in a Drug-Addict's eyes. Don't have a meeting... Don't have a Sponser... Sobriety... Well, it has been said to be having sex (all forms of lovemaking and such affection)only with one's mate. Guess i have not been very sober, as i dance around the outsides of the definition of sobriety in my longing for my pain to be ended.. any my "needs to be met" in affection and Love, etc.
So... i am having a tuff time. I sat on the porch the other day... having a smoke.. saying to God... Well, at least i did'nt go all the way.... That's BUL(*&($%% IT!!! I wwillingly took my eyes off God, and looked for someone else to meet my needs... I looked for kissing and affection to make me feel like i was wanted and OK..) So OK,, GOD, i lied to myself!
It is very difficult to so desparately want someone SOMEONE to be here when i feel so Utterly alone in this pain/turmoil! I believe God is here... but it does not seem that GOD IS Big Enuf.. (or perhaps small enuf to come and wrap me in his arms and let me cry!
I want to submit to you... God... My will is far from you...
jodyB
Tags: Addiction Looking For Love
A week ago, last Monday evening... Step Daughter, and Husband were decidely angry with me. Seems that i needed an Attitude Adjustment... Whatever... Could not say anything... everything i said was wrong, or i had a bad attitude... Something happened that caused the MONSTER to come out and he came at me in the Kitchen. The MONSTER was Yelling and Screaming as was the other voices... Somehow i was scared and little. I must have done something... not really sure what... but i did not feel that i had a place. i guess my arm was grabbed and i was thrown across the floor.... I fell hard on my back and skidded across over the metal part that separates the floors... i groaned and screamed... My back was gashed and bruised and bleeding...
but life continues... and the Monster went away again... nothing was said...to the people involved... but i have been getting Hubby to put some ointment on the gash. He sees it.... so have some others... Mostly i just say that i fell, and that i am a klutz, cuz i am!
Then my little 4 yr old grandaughter was over yesterday with her parents and siblings...She saw the scar.. and asked"Oma, what happened to your back?" i did not want to say " Oma Fell," I did not say anything... just felt SHAME.
How much does it cost before too much is too much, and wanting to go away... to die... no longer enters my mind???
jodyB
Tags: Family Violence Pain Abuse
Page:
1 |
|
|
|
|
