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 jody’s thots 4 Today
‘ Monday, April 27, 2009 Lots of schuffs. The Holy Weekend was Superb! Good Friday celebration was An Awesome night of praise, and time to ponder to Totally Unselfish Gift that Jesus Christ gave us… His Own Life given up freely to satisfy the wrath of God for our sins…WOW! Saturday night and Easter morning were indeed Awe inspiring with Worship, singing and dance.. But….. Bobbie was feeling poorly all weekend.. .and on Easter Monday, I took him to the ER to be checked our for chest pain. He was there for about 4 hrs… and all tests came back negative for any heart problems. Yet, since Easter Weekend, he has been vomitting, and is perspiration excessively. This has gone on too long! Seems like I have been praying for him to be healed the pain he is in 24/7. He has been in So Much Pain, for Soooo LONG!!! It is hard for me… yes.. hard for me to see him like this all the time. He has been off on Workers Comp Disability since just after Christmas, when he slipped on ice at the Station. And his neck has not gotten any better;. They are thinking he may have a bone pressing on a nerve in the Spinal Column of his neck. And his legs go numb… and on and on and on….. And I get depressed, I try not too, but I do! I struggle really badly with my addiction. The obsessions, and the thoughts, and then the complete and utter emptiness leaves me wondering how I can praise GOD, and dance and sing, when inside there is so much pain and misery, yes, and anger, that life hasn’t changed. Bobbie is still Sick and in Pain… Always financial problems… And then, just when I thought I had about all I could handle… the big dogs got into a fight, and Leah, The Alpha-Female, who started the fight, has one of her fangs precariously hanging on to a string of gum, and is lying sideways under her lip. Now the dog thing was truly intense… I HATE Fights… and I get terrified of them… and I am afraid that the neighbours may complain.. and have the bylaw cops come out… (We are only allowed 2 dogs… and we have 3 big ones in the back yard, and one little one in the house. When Kerry moved in from the Island 4 yrs ago, she brought her big dog with her….) . I called for help over and over, but was afraid when my husband came out, because he Rages… and that would make things even worse! Leah has to go to the vet tomorrow. She is my Baby… I have had her since she was a pup… almost 9 yrs ago! But she can be aggressive, and I am so scared!!! I don’t know about vet fees, but it will be very expensive….. I Don’t know how to let go… I don’t know how Father GOD… I need to learn to surrender…I am so terribly scared… PLEASE!!!!!!!!
Tags: Life Faith Pain
i am tired. Been a rough week. i am right where i am supposed to be. What i mean by that is i am here for a reason. I am experiencing Pain for a reason. I have financial problems for a reason. I had a car accident for a reason. I have spent so many years in pain and anger, asking GOD for a way out of the pain. I have spent so many years loosing jobs,,although people say I have a Big Heart, i am still "fired". GOD has answered my prayers...by putting me in a program for Recovery to learn about the barriers that keep me from maintaing a job/career. We are delving into our pasts, and looking at our present. We are exploring our problems with Anger and our styles in Conflict Resolution... Of Course i am triggered! Of Course there is Pain. But GOD wants me to learn about my distructive behaviour! Just One Day, Just one step... GOD, I Give it to You.... Be my Guide LORD, today
jody’s thots 4 Today ‘ Thursday, February 19, 2009 It has been ages since I last blogged. So much has happened. LIFE! I started a course a couple of weeks ago. The course is to help deal with barriers to employment, and is funded by the Ministry (CANADIAN) . Almost everyone there is in Recovery for Drugs and or Alcohol addiction. My addiction is with people, generally so, it makes things a bit different. But Addiction is Addiction. And the Steps toward Recovery are the same. Lots of Pain. Dealing with the PAST. Going through childhood issues, learned behavior, and other mal-adaptive ways of living. Sometimes I cannot seem to stop crying… or want to “fix” to make the pain go away. But, my desire is to learn COPING skills that are Positive… so that I may, in turn, reach out and help others. Last week, the first week of Class.. my Bad cold turned into Laryngitis. I take after my mother, and can be quite loquacious. So, the class laughed (with) at me.. I told God… Ok… I can’t talk… So what am I supposed to do… And He said to me: “SHUT-UP and listen!” Of course He did not say Shut-Up.. that was just to get the point across. Talk Less Listen More…Live the Model! On my Way!
Tags: Learning
Jody’s Thots 4 today  Here I am again Lord… Sometimes I don’t know how I can go on, or how you put iup with me… But with you you Lord, I am nothing. I continually faulter, I stumble… and I end up hitting my head and my heart so darn hard that I think I will be bruised forever. Sometimes I want the bruises to stay. I wear them like sheields of vittory… I am not good at turning my life over to you… at least not totally. I seem to always keep just a bit of me to hang on to, just in case I need it! But Lord, so often, it is the weakness I hang on to. And so often that is what brings me down… I am here again Lord… And I want to give you my live today… May You be Glorified in my life. I want others to be Blessed. Take this Body, that so often seeks escape… mold me and use me to bless others today. Thank You Jesus… I am yours. 
jody’s thots 4 Today ‘     Friday, November 14, 2008  Lots of Schtuffs has been happening. A couple of weeks ago I had a car accident where my car slid off the road. I was not familiar with the curvy road that I was on. It had been raining so the road was slippery. I looked down for a minute and suddenly my car slid off the road. I was stopped by raspberry bushes and some kind of a rock under my car. I could have gone off the embankment if not for the raspberry bushes. A couple stopped to help, and several others asked if any more help was needed. Police, Fire, and Ambulance came. I was taken to the ER. I am OK. The Doctor said I am probably experiencing some post concussion symptoms--- forgetfulness, memory loss, etc.  So, lots of schtuffs. Yeah, I am down and confused, and scared about a lot of things. But I had this thought today while I was in the shower...I can shower myself. Shave my legs. I can take care of myself! Yes there are struggles… But I need to remember all blessings that I have received. I am so grateful that I have arms I can raise in praise, I am so grateful that I can walk and even run. I am Grateful for the clothes on my back.. and the many clothes in my closet and dressers. I am so grateful ESPECIALLY for my family- My Husband who has been such a good support lately. He Loves me, even though I am a “messâ€! I am grateful for my daughter and grand daughter! I am blessed by them… I am blessed by my son and his family – 2 grand daughters, and 2 grandsons! I am Very Blessed by my Mother who loves me and prays for me all the time… I am Blessed by my Brothers – Rob’t and Nels! God has given me lots of pets to love – who love me back unconditionally. We have a home to live in, that is a nice home. We have cars to drive (mine is in the shop, and I don’t drive much right now)  Does that take away my deep pain and depression? Well, not really, the pain is deep… However, it gives me an opportunity to look for the good around me!  This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! Ps 118:24  jodyB
Tags: Gratitude--even Thru "mad"itude
jody’s thots 4 Today ‘ Thursday, October 30, 2008 I am Grateful… There is so very much for which I am thankful. Just look around outside here in (Vancouver, BC) It is Glorious outside. The air has been crisp in the morning and at night. We have had several days of AWESOME sunshine (SONSHINE!) and the beautiful colours of the Autumn Leaves…. AH!!! It inspires me  
And so it goes… another year draws toward closing time.. We have new life in our family… and some of us have lost loved ones from this earth. This is my Reflective time. Each time of year, each Season of our lives has a Beauty all its own. Even in its pain. A week ago, I had a bad fall from my bike. Could have been a lot worse, but it wasn’t. I suffered a concussion, severe bruising to the upper jaw/eye, thighs and some road rash. Thankfully I was not hurt worse. I believe I blogged that day, or about that day. Many of you sent me notes of good will/health. I have not been on the site much lately. Thank you all for your kindnesses… I really appreciate the care! Something to think about: as I go through my day today, I pray that I will be aware of the Beauty of Nature surrounding me. Take time to be THANKFUL! (God… ya got an Awesome paintbrush, and technique!) Rudyard Kipling wrote: When Earth's last picture is painted
And the tubes are twisted and dried
When the oldest colors have faded
And the youngest critic has died
We shall rest, and faith, we shall need it
Lie down for an aeon or two
'Till the Master of all good workmen
Shall put us to work anew
And those that were good shall be happy
They'll sit in a golden chair
They'll splash at a ten league canvas
With brushes of comet's hair
They'll find real saints to draw from
Magdalene, Peter, and Paul
They'll work for an age at a sitting
And never be tired at all.
And only the Master shall praise us.
And only the Master shall blame.
And no one will work for the money.
No one will work for the fame.
But each for the joy of the working,
And each, in his separate star,
Will draw the thing as he sees it.
For the God of things as they are! May you be blessed by the Son, Kissed by the Spirit Wind, and Loved by the Father Almighty jody
Tags: Gratitude Beauty GOD
jody’s thots 4 Today ‘ jody’s thots 4 Today ‘ Friday, October 24, 2008 Its unbelievable to me that in all my pain, inwardly and out, my dishonesty and tears, that my husband would take the time off work to take me around to doctors appointments. I have a concussion from the fall off my bike. The ER doctor did little to nothing, so I went to my GP, and to my dentist yesterday. I have been confused… can’t remember things… even forgot my doctor’s name while hubby and I were in his office. Intracranial injury. Dr. sent me for a CT scan… and when I got to the dentist, an full pan x-ray was taken, it’s possible that I have a broken jaw. When Hubby looks at the bike, he thinks that it was hit by a car or something. But I don’t remember being hit by a car. He says it is badly bent. Don’t know how I could have ridden it if it were so badly bent, but I did right it…strange. Bobbie was with me all day… talking with the doctor, and dentist… not wantin me to drive. He took off work to help me… and is taking of work again today, as I have an appt with an oral surgeon. May have a broken jaw. I am tired and confused…and sore all over, my heart is agitated. And my mind not much better. Still, I want to relinquish my will and my rights over to the care of the one who loves me DESPITE of me! “Now here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that you My GOD. You are all together lovely, altogether worthy, all together wonderful To me.
jody’s thots 4 Today ‘ Thursday, October 23, 2008 Jesus Take the Wheel… Why do I go spinning out of control..when I know the way that is right, and the GOD who Ordained this life anyway??? Why do I want the berries from someone else’s farm… when I cannot find my own… still I must believe in my heart the Berries (in this blog, the berries are Love, Acceptance, Hugs, and Touch) that should be in my farm, are there… just covered up… Or perhaps they are getting rotten. I don’t know. But I go, and I Look, and sooner or later there is a FALL, and a BAD One. And then I wanna go way down. I have been so blue… so tired… so lost inside… I have been angry. I got my Rx from the drug store the other day. Noticed that I had lots of Ativan. Thought to myself… HMMM and kept the unsaid words tucked away from my conscious heart. I have been very stiff and sore for a long long time.. at least a month. Wanted to have a massage, but cannot seem to afford the money… But I the pain is getting worse, and so am . I took a few T3s and then 3 or so Ativan, iI guess. It was a Beautiful day yesterday… Blue skies and crisp cool air. I decided to get on my bike to visit a friend. I thought I would bring a couple of coffee’s over and some goodies. When I got into the garage to get my bike out, I could not find my helmut. So, I left without it. Then, I don’t remember where I put my house keys… I am feeling WAY outta wack…. I don’t even remember where I bought the coffee and goodies…and stupidly I put them in my backpack and laid the backpack down on its side while I road… I am LOOSING IT… And ya know the old sexual pull is on again…and I am FALLING!!! I left my friend’s house and headed to art class, late. Still on my bike. Head to leave art class early to get to the Psych appointment. Somehow, my back pack slid down, and I was trying to rearrange it, while still riding!! (STUPID!!!) and down I went… onto the side of the road, into the planters of the mall. I groaned and groaned…(yet kinda wanted to be there). A kind motorist stopped to see if I was ok, and said he was gonna call an ambulance, but I said no, I am OK…. Eventually I got back up and headed on to the doctor’s office. He took 2 looks at me, after asking if I were ok, and then sent me to the dentist…(MY Jaw hurts) and my GP;… So off I road again to the Dentist office. No appt available right then… so I sat in a chair in right outside, in the mall… And I guess I fell asleep. Security came over and said that I could not sleep there…. They realized that I was injured so they called the paramedics… I DID NOT WANT THEM TO!!! I was OK I did not need any help…I was just tired and overwhelmed. Security called my husband, who is a paramedic, and he agreed that the ambulance should be sent. NOT HAPPY About that one!.. Bottom line…. I have been over tired… Sad… Depleted…. Lots of UGLY SCHTUFFS in my head. (Part wanna die again>) And yet I have been wanting to reach out and help others… I KNOW JESUS is the WAY… I Know there is no such thing as (Kinda ok acting out… it is ADULTARY!) well, I am sending this off… and I am headed out… I heart… everywhere… physically mentally and spiritually So…. Jesus {Please… Take the Wheel!)
Tags: Slip Slid Down
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not ok
Posted On 10/19/2008 13:08:15
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jody’s thots 4 Today ‘ Sunday, October 19, 2008 It’s not good. I am not at peace… I want to go away to run and hide. The emotions and pain are welling up inside of me. I feel I cannot go on. I know the schtuffs. I know the answers. I have said them… prayed them, encouraged them… but I cannot seem to get away from the monsters inside. STRESS… too much stress. I have tried to pray it away. I have tried to release it. I have cried… Yesterday while on my paper routes… I met a man that I like… a kindred kind spirit. He was raking his lawn. So as I was gonna give him the paper, I stopped to chat… He told me about his trip to LA/to Disneyland with the kids and grandkids… I asked him what he does… you know for work. He kinda smiled—says it is hard to say.. but he works for the BC Gov’t… He is a Prison Chaplain. Ah! I think I found someone… Earlier someone had asked me why I deliver papers. SHAME came in like a Roaring BEAST welling up inside of me. I told him about that. People were unhappy with me cuz I was late delivering papers. And I had taken Thursday off to work as a Background Extra on a movie. I was late… People were unhappy with me. My daughter never seems to have anything good to say about me.. I feel deeply depressed. The Chaplain/friend said…. Jody I see that you are NOT ok… and he listened as I poured out my heart… after I left him, I could not find my car keys… I went in to a panick. Well I must go… the monsters inside are coming out… and I want to go away far away.
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