It wasn't until I was 20 years old that I even smoked pot. I'd never been interested in drugs (to the dismay of my friends :p). But I always liked escaping. My favorite way was reading. Since I was a kid, and even now, I become completely engrossed in books and often read them in one or two sittings. Video games were another favorite escape.
When I was 22, I got an abcessed tooth - my dentist went on vacation and then got sick - so for nearly a month I was on demerol and Vicodin until he was able to do a root canal. When the prescribed painkillers ran out, I started to miss that feeling and turned to the street for pills. It started innocently enough - taking 1/2 a pill for a long night class in college here and there. The opiates made me feel so productive and attentive, happy and talkative. The small occasional use lasted for a year or so, then something happened. It seemed, suddenly, that 1 pill a day turned in to 5, then 10. After a couple years, even the 10 a day didn't make me happy anymore yet I was scared to take more for fear of tylenol poisoning. I tapped out all my resources. Paying $5 or $6 a pill, 10 pills a day... disgusting. Just to feel normal. And all I did was worry about money, where i'd get more for more pills and disgust with myself for always being dead broke. I tried many times to "taper" off, but after so many tries I realized i needed help.
I heard about suboxone and in August of 2008 got on it for a few months. I stayed clean for 5 months or so, but I hadn't changed. I didnt seek counselling, or stick with NA, so of course I relapsed and picked right back up where I started. I can't believe I even finished my bachelor degree...
So here I am now, again, back on suboxone as of August 12 2009, but armed with more than just suboxone - I now also have the knowledge that I have to make lifestyle changes, and go to treatment and NA... not JUST be sober.
The first group went well. We baked a yummy cake. We drew a comparison between the cake ingredients, and the ingredients for staying sober. Afterward I went to an AA meeting. It was nice to be around others in recovery for a few hours today.
I'm starting to develop a picture of my higher power yay
Yesterday made 3 weeks since my last use of painkillers, and my suboxone induction. The suboxone is doing it's job wonderfully - physically I feel great, and my cravings are almost non exsistent.
Emotionally and spiritually I've made very little progress, though. Yesterday was my first real appointment with my counselor at an out patient program I am involved in now. He gave me a worksheet with some "homework" that includes listing 3 big problems I want to tackle. I'm pretty intimidated. I'm also nervous about my first group meeting tonite.
