... but not to recovery. I'm an addict; if you've got anything that I can use to escape, I'll do it and abuse the h*ll out of it... and by the way, do you have any more?
I've been around a while, and came to the realization over the past few days that I've been settling. Settling for the lesser of the two evils. By the grace of god and a loving family, I was given the opportunity to be clean and sober. I had to give up a lot of things besides just my vices; there are a lot of people I had to leave behind, and pulling a geographical actually worked in my favor - it gave me a chance to truly start over. Last year, I moved again, back to California and to the area of the state that has always felt like home to me. And now I find myself... alone again.
I hate for this to sound like a pity party... maybe that's what it is though. My friends are "normies" and they went out of town this past weekend. They went to visit other friends out of state and they all are chosing to take a step backwards in life; they're choosing to get high again. It made me realize that out of everyone I know, there are only 4 who also chose to walk the path all of us are. 4, in this entire country, out of everyone (including family) that I know. The odds haven't been in my favor for ceasing this... this... emptiness that came along with choosing to do what's best for myself. I know I should be grateful that I have the love of my higher power and the love of those 4... and all I can focus on are the rest who I've allowed myself to become close to. The people I love who still drink on occasion, and who are now seeking the very lifestyle, albeit limited, that I walked away from.
My grammy always told me not to settle. I don't know how not to settle for this. Loneliness takes it's toll. Finding fun and friendship and solace in socializing and caring for people is encouraging; being excluded from aspects of our lives together is devastating. I've been around and around with myself about this; one part of me says that it's just like someone liking sports - not everyone enjoys a good football game, so don't worry about not being included during Superbowl Sunday. It's just an activity in life that I have no interest in, so why would they include me? The other part of me, the much louder and more forceful part of me, says I don't need to put up with feeling hurt and rejected from the very people who I should be able to turn to when I'm feeling this way. It's a double-edge sword... on one hand, they're respecting my wishes by not encouraging my darker side or having these demons around to tempt me. On the other hand, they're purposely exluding me from activities that involve all of our friends. I swear, it feels like I'm right back in grade school! Haha! Only there weren't pills being passed out at my grade school.
I found this website while searching for social networking sites for others who are clean and sober. I respect the 12 step programs, and am grateful for the knowledge I learned in the rooms, but I don't go to meetings anymore. I live in the land that revolutionized medical marijuana, and out of all the people I know within an hour of my home, only 1 of them doesn't use or drink... and I knew her before I even moved out here.
Surely there are people left in NorCal (who managed to keep their homes despite this failing economy) who are just like me? People who don't drink or use drugs recreationally, socially, or daily. People who don't want to hurt themselves or abuse their bodies anymore. People who want to let go of the shackles of a temporary physical release and instead live and enjoy life? People who are quirky and fun, but are also very responsible and level headed. People who are just as comfortable at a rock concert as they are dancing to trance DJs on the weekends, but who find it relaxing to stay home on the weekdays and cook some dinner and read a book. People who don't want to hang out with the drinkers simply because they're the lesser of the two evils, and just don't know where they should go to find more people like themselves. I don't want to settle... but I don't know where to go or what to do anymore.
