This is my private "recovery space" blog. I suppose I need this space to say what I seem unable to say anywhere else. I need some other kind of support. I have a great friend in Indiana that is helping keep me accountable, praise God! But it would be good to have someone here, closer by.
I am hurting. i am tired. I feel weak. i want to give in. I am angry. I'm tired of going several days and the "addiction" seems dim or mostly non-existent. And then a bad day, or I'm tired, or the f'n phones are going crazy at work, and whatever and there it is once again.
It's the lust. It's the sex. It's the images. It's the draw to the magazines, to the internet. Am I an addict? I don;t know. I don;t want to be. It often seems like when I think about that or focus on some kind of 12-step deal or something, try to talk about it more, that the attention I give it makes me and my life feel WORSE. The alternative? I make it through (or historically, just give in) and patch things up, and then it feels all better for awhile... I have moved on. I must have bested it, right? I'm doing okay now, I'm walking with God, things are going well, things with my wife (including sex) are great. And then, BAM it all starts all F***ing over again.
In a word: UGH. I have been "sexually sober" since June 27th, and I'd like to keep it that way.
