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It's that time folks. Time for a gratitude list.

1) grateful that a friend called me back last minute to pick me up for a meeting that i was in too much pain to drive to today. grateful that at that meeting i was able to talk to other women about pain, and got some suggestions and a few more phone numbers

2) grateful for my patient fabulous life partner

3) grateful for a toughie sponsor

4) grateful i didn't pick up today

5) grateful for internet

6) grateful for my pets

7) grateful to be going to U of M Pain Clinic next week. heard great things about it.

8) toasted blueberry bagel with cream cheese, or butter (always gotta add a yummy food on these lists, it's the addict way!)

9) reaching out to women on the phone today. called quite a few and got a few call backs:)

10) low-key-no-driving-involved plans tomorrow with an AA girlfriend, all close to home so if pain gets to much, i can quickly be home

11) didn't have to drive anywhere today. yay self care.

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarp. okay, i'm distracted now. all done. thanks for lettin me share:) feel free to share your own below

Tags: Gratitude List

I saw a sign today that said "If you are not living happyily ever after, why not?"

Damn.

Tags: Food For Thought

Please, the last thing I need is advice on this; I just need some encouragement.

So so so so so so SO sick of my chronic pain. Nothing is working. No pills, no phsical therapy, no tests, no diagnosis, no treatment, no nothing. And of course I don't have health insurance, so everyone I try to see, literally says the can do nothing except pop me full of more pills that will do nothing, and send me on my merry way.

Right now I am stuck sitting at this computer instead of being at a meeting that I wanted to go to tonight. My pain half the time makes it so I cannot drive or pretty much function at all, and on those days, even if I get a ride, after about 3 ppl have spoken at the table, my pain is so bad that I have to leave anyway.

Everything I do is tainted heavily by it. I can't lay down sometimes because it's too painful. I can't call people and talk to them, to get out of myself, because often my pain makes it so I can't even talk on the phone.

I have a pretty much zero social life lately, It's really hard to make plans when you never know how bad your pain will be on future dates. I have to call and cancel about 75% of the stuff that I want and need to do.

When people ask how I am, I am afraid to tell them. If I say I am fine, I am lying. I am NOT fine. And I can't lie to save my life, so I don't. Plus lying isn't exactly practicing spiritual principles. Sigh. On the days when I go to a meeting anyway, despite the debilitating pain, it usually makes it worse. Plus, everyone asks how I am, and when I tell them I'm in excruciating pain, they barage me with a s**t load of (to me, stupid) questions that only frustrate me further like:

"Oh! Have you been to a doctor?" NO BITCH, I HAVEN'T BEEN TO A FU**ING DOCTOR! I LIKE LIVING IN EXRUCIATING, LIFE KILLING, DEBILITATING PAIN THAT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE MOST DAYS!

"Well have you tried _________?" (fill in the blank with whatever you like) WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE ABOUT TO ASK ME, I CAN GUARANFUKINTEE THAT I HAVE TRIED IT, AND IF I HAVEN'T IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY TO DO SO!!!

"Why are you in pain?" I DON'T KNOW! YOU FIGURE IT OUT AND TELL ME, AND THEN WE'LL BOTH KNOW. People tend to get a dumb look on their faces at this point, because they don't understand how someone could be in such pain, and not have a label for it.

I feel that this pain is also killing the current relationship I am in. It makes me fearful that my man will leave me for a more "able bodied" woman, who isn't in pain all the time and can actually do things with him:( This is probably the worst part of my pain. I am so in love with this man, but I feel like I am not the same girl he fell in love with over a year ago, and I feel guilty about that, even though it's not my fault.

My pain has progressed to such an extreme in the past 6 months or so, that all he pretty much does when we are together is take care of me. I don't want our relationship to be me totally useless, and him taking care of me all the time! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him, blah blah blah, but how long can he really deal with an invalid girlfriend? I used to be lively and excited a lot, and now I can barely function, and it usually hurts to smile or even talk.

Sigh. Okay. I think that's all the bitching I will do for now.

Please, do NOT ask "Have you tried..." or "Could it be...." or anything like that. The Q and A section of this woman is done and over with. Thanks for lettin me share.

Your Recovery Sister,

Jessie

Tags: Pain

Hi All, I've got some decisions to make very very soon, and I wanted input from a few of you folks first. I am supposed to start a new job tomorrow. This job will be part time and minimum wage, but since it is in retail and tis the season, I may be working more hours during the holidays. If I work here, makin about $120 or so a week, maybe closer to $200 a week during the holidays, I may lose out on my county medical care and my food stamps. The food stamps I get per month would be more than I would make there in a week. The medical that I get right now not being employed, is almost priceless. I take 7 or 8 different medications for various issues, and I will probably not even afford 1 or 2 of them if my county health plan gets cut due to employment. If I tell my worker the truth, that I am working now. It will get cut off for sure. Someone told me to wait a month, and then see before I tell my worker. But the thing is, they have ways of finding out, whether or not you tell them. Also, I have so much going on right now with physical issues and sickness, that I don't even know if I will be able to work really right now anyway! My last place I worked a few months ago told me, "We don't need people who are sick working here; we need healthy people working here" when I had to go to the ER and had a doctor's note. Ugh. I am sooooooooooooo perplexed. I don't know what to do. Please share your thoughts on this if you can. Thanks so much guys! hugs Jessie D.

Wanted to share this with as many as possible, so....it's a blog instead of a bulletin.

Tags: Good Things Life

I have to move.  My basement is chocked full of mold, and my landlady does not have the means to fix it. So I have to move. I cannot turn on the heat because all the s**t from down in the basement comes up through the vents. It's getting cold outside, so I'll need heat pretty quickly, which means I have to up and move pretty quickly.

This could be a good thing! Their are drunken people on my doorstep partying it up as I write this. So maybe the next place I live will have better neighbors. darn I don't wanna do this. My home is so familiar. I lived here before I got sober, so I've spent all my clean time in this house. I could move around 50 times in a year, and I have, in my addiction and couldn't care less. This will be my first "sober move" and I am stalling, and not accepting of it.

I don't know if I should live with a roommate or not. Maybe if I did, I could be in a better neighborhood that is not so ghetto and dangerous as the one I live in now. That would be nice:) Ideally I want a place with a fenced in yard for my doggy, but it's not a necessity. I suppose I shall just do massive foot work, and leave the results to my Creator. WHo loves me.

I'll respond to ads of people who need a roommate, and I'll check out one bedroom apartments too. I will talk about it to all my family, friends, and loved ones- anyone who will listen or care. I guess that would be networking. Sigh. Heehee, my dog just sighed loudly at the same time I did:) I love him. He does slim my choices of a place though by about 90% because he is a rather large dog. That's okay though because I am going to find a decent new home regardless of the odds that are stacked against me. Other's being no job, and not great credit. I'm glad my God is a miracle worker!

I am not alone. I don't have to do this alone. I have a sponsor, friends, family, a great supportive boyfriend and God all on my side, ready and willing to help me. Thank God for that. All because of AA. Thank God for that too. I may be afraid, but I shall trudge forth and do what the f*** I need to do. God moves mountains, but I need to bring a shovel. I love that saying. One of my faves.

I feel like there is more to get off my chest, but that I can't seem to find what it is at the moment. I shall continue to take it One Day At A Time, even though I feel all urgent about it. God will provide. Always has. Always will. Hallelujah, thank ya Jesus

hugs ya'll

Jessie D.

I'm feeling pissy, so am forcing a bit of gratitude...

1- grateful that pissy moods don't last as long as they used to

2- grateful to hopefully be productive in the school's computer lab today

3- grateful for air conditioning, because it is nasty and sticky out

4- grateful for the wonderful, loving man in my life

5- grateful for my women friends

6- grateful that I get to attend my home group this evening, which i have missed for months due to work

7- grateful that God is my employer......

8- grateful that God has charge of my finances, because I suck at them, and HP always provides exactly what I need when I need it

9- grateful for the kitty pressed against my leg while I am writing this gratitude list

10- grateful that I feel just a bit better at the end of this list, than I did at the beginning of it. It's amazing what gratitude can do for a pissy mood.

- starting physical therapy for my neck and shoulder pain, and it's covered by my crappy state insurance

- garage sale this Friday. I love clearing out stuff, and maybe I can earn a couple of bucks

- love

- fear

- my new sponsor

- my parents

- my pets

- a working car

- my home

- my teddy bear

- A/C in my living room and my car

- informative books

- job interviews

- recently purchased thrift store clothes to wear to the job interviews

- that I will eventually have my degree

- that I will get an answer about the class that I may or may not have to take in July

- my planner

- being able to flip my calendars today. I love doing that!

- all the big and little things that help keep this addict/alcoholic sober

- so many meetings to choose from in my area

- my Higher Power as I don't understand Him

- faith

- prayer

- hope

- peace. I don't always have it, but I am grateful for it when I do!

- a loving relationship with my boyfriend. Scares the sh** outta me, but that's understandable, and I shall keep on moving through the fear, with God by my side.

- Old Navy flip flops. 2 for 5 bucks! I have many different ones, and it tickles me pink.

- this gift card for a shoe store that my sister gave me for graduation, so I can buy some nice job interview shoes. Lord knows I needed em.

- the awesome thunderstorms yesterday

- summer! and all that entails

- pools and lakes

- cabins and cottages

- kayaking and tennis

- Top of the Park coming up soon. It's basically a music/movie and chill gig downtown everyday for like a month. I really enjoyed it last summer

- progress

- baby steps

- progress of dear friends

- a new life

- the steps

- cameras/photos

- cellphone and laptop w/ internet

- my grumpy, smelly dog

- God's unconditional love

- God's grace

- God's forgiveness

- God's strength

- that I will get a job where I'm supposed to, when I'm supposed to. All I gotta do is the foot work, which I am doing daily. Praise God

- gratitude lists that remind me of how much good is in my life today that I have to be grateful for!

- my bed

- yummy smelling candles

- chapstick

- sunblock

- bottled water. Otherwise I would only drink pop and coffee all day long. I need it to go.Don't worry, I recycle all the bottles afterwards.

- I know that I am exactly where I need to be on this journey today

- clean laundry. God bless my loving boyfriend who has a washer and dryer at home.

- this recovery site, and the friendships I have made because of it

- these funny little icons. they make me smile

- solutions

- not being where I used to be, not being where I'm gonna be, but being right where I need to be, just for today.

- help

- the newly acquired ability to ask for and receive help. None of us can do this alone.

- food in my cupboards and freezer

- naps

- a working shower

- electricity and running water

- windows

- trees

Thanks for lettin me share.

I have recent pain in my neck, shoulder, and jaw area in the past year or so. It has gotten worse. It gets so I can not move it. It gets debilitating. I don't know what to do anymore. My insurance is from the State of Michigan, and believe me, it aint s**t. Doctor gives me flexerall and naproxen which used to help a little bit, but even that hardly cuts the edge off these days.

I got so mad at God today. I screamed I cried I cursed I begged God to take away this pain. I feel at the end of my rope with it. I guess all the good drugs that could make it bearable are out of the question since I am an alcoholic/addict. Sucks. Massage is good for it. I've gotten one here and there when the pain was too much to bear. I am too broke for that now. Chiropractic or acupuncture I am told could help, but again- don't have the money for it.

I need prayer. I need a miracle. This s**t is getting to be sobriety threatening for me. It definitely kills my sanity and serenity.

Any suggestion would be welcome. I think that's a given, seeing as how I am writing a blog about it on this site...

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