It is over folks, I am officially divorced as of 4:38pm yesterday 3/9/11. I can only tell you that I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I AM FREE!!!! I know a certain someone is very happy it is over as well, we actually can have a relationship without any strings, that is just sweet.

There was a lot of sadness over the past I would say 8 years. But yesterday made them all worth it. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and where God closes one door he opens another. I was not expecting to find anyone so soon but it doesn't feel wrong, it feels right. I am going with it. I feel that in many ways I have become stronger but there is much room for more growth. But I am not stuck in a rut anymore. I live on my own, I support myself, I am not dependent. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Thanks to everyone who kept up with me through the good and the bad. Wouldn't be here without you guys and you all know who you are :)

God Bless!!!!!

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Well guys my divorce hearing is finally here tomorrow. I am full of mixed emotions right now. I know I am just freaking out for nothing. I really do want it over with so I can really move on with my life. I am certain that this divorce is definitely a step in the right direction. I realized that it would never have worked out ever. We were not compatible. It was my stubborness and fear that kept me in that situation for so long. Fear has you doing crazy things, you are constantly beating a "dead horse" so to speak. Afraid I couldn't live on my own, afraid of being lonely, afraid of losing the only life I knew.

Look at me now, I have been living on my own since April 1, I pay my own bills, I am kinda seeing someone now, and I have a very good job. I am independent for the first time in my life. My greatest sadness is that because I moved back to the town where I was living, my kids wouldnt come back with me, so I dont have custody of my children. But they are doing well, and I spend as much time with them as I can, so I guess everything happens for a reason.                

I just hit my 3 week sobriety mark and I feel so much better not drowning myself in alcohol. I still drive by the liquor store every time I need a drink and I drive right by. Eventually I will stop driving there. Baby steps I guess. The days are getting a little better. I am meditating a whole lot now, it is a lot of work to not give in to my mind and all its mess. Trying to love myself again is even harder yet but every day I am getting better.  Thanks for listening to me guys....

ME

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Finally caved and went to the doctor yesterday. You know you are going south when you can't eat or sleep, and every system you need to function is out of whack. She put me back on my Seroquel, and I was supposed to call my pdoc today, well that didn't happen because I slept for almost 14 hours on 50 mg no less. I am supposed to take 100 tomorrow, I can only imagine what that would do. So I can't call my pdoc till Monday, which means longer to get in. I am so frustrated. 

She said my bipolar is totally out of control which I figured out it was, and my health is so bad I am even losing my hair...I can't cry anymore it seems, even though i want to really bad. I just didn't realize how physically sick you could get from being mentally sick, ouch I found out.

Now it is all I can do to just go to work and come home and go to bed. That seems to be all I can manage for right now. Doctor asked if I was suicidal?? Thank goodness at that moment I wasn't, is all I can say. I have to get into the dr soon or I am in serious trouble.

Thanks for letting me share....

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WISDOM

Baby Steps, Patience and "One Day at a time" are not easy virtues to master but they are worth it in the end.

Fear is Temporary.  Regrets are forever.

Being alone can be handled much better, than being with someone and feeling more alone than ever.

Nothing and Nobody in my past is worth what GOD has in store for my future!

Never think that your not good enough for someone or something. your past is over. learn from it and love who you are because only you can change it.

Recipe for happiness: Live with enthusiasm, smile for no reason, love without conditions, act with purpose, listen with your heart, and laugh often.

Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.

You must give to receive, accept failure to achieve and allow doubt to succeed. Do try to forgive even if your unable to forget as it is part of our nature.

HUMOR

You really got to love the DRAMA around here..Its like sands through the hour glass..and so are the days of our lives.

 (knew you could make me laugh...)

Its not my mouth that gets me in trouble... Its the part of my brain that controls it..

(no more nightmares please?)

A Life ?? Where might I download one of those??

(I really need verbal reminders.)

I should come with my own warning label... WARNING strong personality, solid beliefs, protective of loved ones and may occasionally be offensive or funny!

(you ate MY cookies and I am very sad about that...)

I am wondering if life is easier when you are totally insane? Because I am about half way there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down!!!

Life is like an Etch a Sketch: Just when you finally get it figured it out, someone comes along and shakes it up and you have to start all over again.

 (and mighty proud of that fact...)

I'm taking the Crazy train today...anyone want to carpool?

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I remain strong and my mind is at ease. Then just one thought or one memory crosses my mind, and the strength I had slips away. Most days I can control the rampant thoughts today has not been one of those days. I cried myself to sleep earlier hoping that maybe I would feel better when I woke up, but that didn't happen, I feel as bad now as I did earlier.

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Patience with others, is Love.

Patience with self, is Hope.

Patience with God, is FAITH.

Tags: Patience

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Hello everybody, I know I have been gone a long time, but I decided that it was time to come back and get help, I cannot live like this anymore. I am ready for a new start. I have almost been sober 3 days, not that it is much but for me it is very good especially since I was drinking every day to get drunk for almost the past year.  I am quite proud of myself right now.

I redid my page, and it is sharp, I feel like I just found my way back home. I missed you guys so much.

Heading off to work now, but I am glad to be back.

(((((HUGS)))))

Shannon

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I have not blogged in a long time. A good friend told me I needed to do this to get things out or I was gonna go down. As far as going down...its happening at an alarming rate. I don't think I have a healthy grasp on anything right now. My whole mind is like a warzone right now.  I don't know exactly when it all started to go bad. Trying to stay sober is almost a full time job, and a hard one.

I recently took two very bad falls that fractured my shoulder and damaged my knee somehow. Can't work, can't drive, can't do alot of things...very depressing. The trip I scheduled to arizona to say my goodbyes to my sister I cannot take now. She is terminal, given 2 months to live. I am trying to see a bright side but there isn't one. I am going downhill in school for about 3 months now, I don't know if I can keep doing it.

I worked so hard to be independent and now I am right back to square one. I feel horrible. I am having an MRI on Tuesday on August 12 I find out the results and what course of action we need to take. I am scared. My life as I know it right now can be completely turned upside down by those results. And if it wasnt bad enough I am beating myself up over everything, not that anything was in my control in the first place. I am well aware that things happen but I just can't handle things right now. I am terrified of giving up and giving in to temptation. It will not help me now.

I don't know what to do anymore.

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Wow, it has been a long time since I have been here. I guess not being sober has a lot to do with it, I guess I don't feel like I belong anymore. I am trying to quit drinking but I am having a hard time. I don't really know what happened. I just hit a really low point in my depression and the bottle was right there to pick me up. I could say that I was secretly in denial because I thought I could drink just a few here and there to relax, and that is not the case for me at all. I was drunk the first time I drank. Now I just feel lost. I have just lost myself.

I am not adjusting to being alone very well and I am more depressed now than I have been in a long time. I stopped calling my friends, seeing my friends, made and cancelled dates. I don't know what is wrong with me. My job which I used to love is just a chore now, just one more thing I have to do in a day. I almost dropped out of school and gave up on all my hard work. I literally feel like I am dying inside. Can it get worse than this, I am not really sure.

Of coure with it being the summer my children now live with me, and I am having a hard time taking care of myself. At least I will not be alone for the next 2 1/2 months. We will see I guess.

Thanks for listening.

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