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Viewing 1 - 4 out of 4 Blogs.
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Is that gash in your leg
Really why you have stopped?
‘Cause I’ve noticed all the others
Though they’re gashed, they’re still going
‘Cause I feel like the real reason
That you’re quitting, that you’re admitting
That you’ve lost all the will to battle on
Will the fight for our sanity
Be the fight of our lives?
Now that we’ve lost all the reasons
That we thought that we had
Still the battle that we’re in
Rages on till the end
With explosions, wounds are open
Sights and smells, eyes and noses
But the thought that went unspoken
Was understanding that you’re broken
Still the last volunteer battles on
Battles on
Battles on
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I've decided for my latest song-inspired entry to break from the Rush theme (which I'll probably return to at some point), and use the above song from another favourite of mine, The Flaming Lips.
As I was driving down the highway the other day and listening to The Gash, I observed how it speaks to the struggle everyone faces, but especially those of us who struggle with addiction. My thoughts specifically honed in on a very close loved one who had recently been relapsing and having a pretty rough go of it. Later that afternoon, I met with this person and the pain they were feeling was undeniably all over their face, like fresh wet paint. Tears are like that sometimes. Since we had some time, I asked them if they wanted to go talk, and they agreed.
I should point out that not only am I early in my recovery, but I am also dealing with being separated from my wife of nearly 17 years. The very early stages were unbearably tough, especially since I was still holding out hope that we could reconcile. When she told me a few weeks ago, though, that she was confident in her decision to go forward with a divorce, yes, I was hurt, but also relieved that at least I could let go and try to move forward, both with my recovery and life in general. Over the past few weeks, I have been doing better with this, and could feel a 'scab' of healing taking shape over the 'gash' of my broken heart. And unlike in the past, when I would keep picking at such a scab, I have been leaving it alone and allowing it to do its work.
The loved one I'm referring to in this narrative is also dealing with separation, and that was what was at the heart of their vexation; that lonely, empty void (a 'gash' if you will) left behind when your other half is gone. They, too, had thought a 'scab' was forming, but then out of nowhere, they were blind-sided by the 'gash' reopening. And then they reopened the gash of their addiction, only compounding the suffering.
As this person shared their pain, I had the undeniable feeling of my own gash reopening. I had been leaving it alone, but like my friend, out of nowhere this thing started bleeding again, and soon my face had its own fresh coat of pain(t). But instead of it being just a mix of blood and tears, I also sense that it was releasing some of the infectious fluid that had built up (okay, I tried not to be gross, but let's call it what it is; puss!). I realized that the puss in me was my recent attempts at trying to find someone else without giving my gash ample time to heal.
It seems both of us had been trying to get on with our lives and wanting to ignore that emptiness and loneliness. This person retreated back to using, while I had tried to move forward by seeking companionship elsewhere. We both had a time of reflection and realization that was neccessary in order to get us back on track. They have recommitted themselves to the program, and I've decided to take a step back and focus on the balance I've referred to in my previous blog, Prime Mover.
Yes, we all have gashes, and while I've spent the bulk of this entry focusing on love, I think it's easy to see how the lyrics of this great song fit what we as addicts face in our struggle to remain clean and free. In fact, the guitarist of The Flaming Lips, Steven Drozd, very publically and vividly shared his own struggle with heroin in the amazing documentary on the band, The Fearless Freaks (highly recommended viewing!).
And if you haven't figured it out by now, the loved one I'm referring to is my wife, pictured here with me and the writer and singer of The Gash, the inimitable Wayne Coyne.
Have you ever liked a song for a long time, applied your own meaning or template to it, and then one day decide to look a little deeper and find it open up in a whole new way that blows you away? Such a thing happened to me yesterday with the Rush song "Prime Mover" from their 1987 album "Hold Your Fire." Here's the lyrics... Basic elemental instinct to survive
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive
Alternating currents in a tidewater surge
Rational resistance to an unwise urge
anything can happen
From the point of conception
To the moment of Truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof
From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey is not to arrive
anything can happen
Basic temperamental filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize
Alternating currents force a show of hands
Rational responses force a change of plans
anything can happen
From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle moving back and forth
From the point of entry-
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure is not to return
anything can happen
I set the wheels in motion
turn up all the machines
activate the programs
and run behind the scenes
I set the clouds in motion
turn up light and sound
activate the window
and watch the world go 'round-
anything can happen
First off, I have to say that it took me a number of years from its release for me to even like it. Then somewhere in the late 90's or so, I finally warmed up to its quirky rhythm and obtuse lyrics. Even then, it still took some time for it to move from "like" status to "love" status when I was able to relate to the last two verses during my days of film & music synchronicity . Then it had its hooks in me. And in the last year or so, as my philosophical views have evolved ever more towards a humanistic collective consciousness way of thinking, lines like "rational responses force a change of plans" and "at the point of surrender to the burden of proof" have been hugely inspiring to show me that truly "anything can happen."
So then yesterday, as I was meditating on it, I thought "You know, Neil Peart doesn't just pull this crap out of his ass. He draws his inspiration from various sources and then crafts his unique poetry in his own inimitable way." So I threw the title Prime Mover into the Wikipedia search engine and saw the following... Prime mover may mean: In railways: In haulage: Prime mover may also be used in reference to: In philosophy: In engineering: - The ultimate source of all mechanical movement in the system, such as a bank of motors powering industrial machines, an automobile engine, i.e. the source of power for all subsidiary systems.
In langauge: - Individuals or organisations deemed to be pioneering in a certain field or activity, or a driving force behind significant change[1][2][3].
In biology - Muscles, or the brain, in the context of a driving force behind movement, or evolution
In entertainment: I won't sit here and posit opinions on every single one these, but I encourage you to do so and I think you may see what I see; Neil used more than one, if not all of these sources as his inspirations. Of course this was in the days before the internet, so he couldn't just click the mouse and *poof* there's the answer. No, he probably did as he always has; read a half dozen or more books and formed his opinion and used his wordsmith skills to put together the song. I'm fairly certain in saying that he has the whole God thing in mind, but in his humanistic manner turning it around to say WE are the prime movers of our own destiny. I also think it's safe to say that the motor, engineering, and biological slants came into play in shaping his thoughts on the matter. Hell, being the self-confessed fan of The Twilight Zone that he is, I wouldn't be surprised if he first saw that episode and said "Gee, I wonder if the term "prime mover" shows up anywhere else, and went from there. What I'm getting at here is that reading these descriptions shed a whole new light on the song for me, and yes, even confirmed some of my own interpretations of lines and the lyrics as a whole. What does it mean for me in the here and now? Well, as you can see in the image I've associated with this blog, I think the heart and mind are the prime movers in all of us that lead us where to go, what to do, how to do it, and why to do it. And as that pic so aptly shows, there's a dance involved in keeping the heart and mind balanced and upright, not letting either lead the way, but move in harmony. "Alternating currents in a tidewater surge, rational resistance to an unwise urge." To borrow a line from another Rush song, "constant change is here to stay" has been part of my life quite a bit over these past few months. I'm currently separated and adjusting to all that entails. I'm clean and sober for the first time in years. And I'm working my steps and meeting new friends in the program. Yes, indeed, "anything can happen" and it's a "thrill to be alive!" Epilogue/Coda:
As I woke up this morning, and continued meditating upon this entry, I thought of an addendum of sorts that I wanted to tag on. It involves lyrics from another Rush song, and fits wonderfully with what I said last night. From "Hemispheres"... We can walk our road together
If our goals are all the same
We can run alone and free
If we pursue a different aim
Let the truth of Love be lighted
Let the love of Truth shine clear
Sensibility
Armed with sense and liberty
With the Heart & Mind united
In a single, perfect sphere
I know alot of NAers like to use "program speak" to communicate their ideas, thoughts, and feelings. And while phrases and isms such as "one day at a time," "easy does it," and "good orderly direction" have certainly been a huge help to me here in the early stages of my recovery, my own vocabulary extends beyond those parameters and I find solace and insight in all sorts of mediums. One of those would be music, specifically the music of Rush. They've been the soundtrack to my life for 31 of my nearly 43 years on this planet, being a source of strength and expression that has informed and inspired me in ways I can only scratch the surface of. In his drumming instructional video called A Work In Progress, lyricist Neil Peart elaborated on an ism that comes up quite a bit in 12-step circles, KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Paraphrasing his comments a bit, he stated that KISS often leads to LOVE - Leave Out Virtually Everything, and what we should strive for is MUSIC - Make Up Something Interesting & Complimentary. I like that, and that is what I hope to do here in what I envision will be a series of ongoing blogs that will incorporate the words of this truly insightful and inspired man. In addition to being a recovering addict, I am also a recovering Christian. Back in my late teens I became a born-again, evangelical Christian. Without going into all the gory details, after several years of heavy immersion into the church and scriptures, I first became disillusioned with the church in general, and as even more time went by, grew disillusioned with God period. This loss of faith certainly played a role in my attempts to fill that hole with pot and other substances, but it was also an impediment to me to accepting that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity from the state of insanity that my disease left me in. At this point in time, I still don't believe in an all-knowing, all-loving god. While I believe that alot of humanity's problems stem from our own wrong-doing and ill-will towards one another, I think that it would be highly irresponsible for a creator to create it in the first place, knowing in advance all the suffering and bulls**t we've had to put up with down through the millenia. And if there is indeed a creator who did that, then he/she/it is not worthy of my worship for those reasons. I've come to believe, as the late great Carl Sagan did, that the order that has evolved from the chaos down through the eons is far more incredible and fantastic and beautiful than any predetermined omniscience. As Dennis Miller used to say, though, that's just my opinion...I could be wrong. ;-) With this in mind, you can perhaps see that I've had some issues with this whole Higher Power thing the last month or so. But after some serious thought and meditation, I've had an unfolding and evolving revelation that my higher power can be the program of NA, can be the people of NA, the collective conscience, if you will. This falls totally within the humanistic mindset that I've come to believe in, and it has been such a relief to leave that old spiritual baggage behind. It's also a relief to know that I'm not the only one in the program that feels this way. What's ironic, though, is the sponsor I chose; yes, he's a born-again Christian! I did so because I not only wanted someone who can contrast my spiritual views and let me see things from a different perspective, but because we share alot of personality traits and background. I'll conclude this blog entry with the lyrics from Faithless. I really like the metaphors Neil uses about quietly resisting. It points out that you don't have to be rebellious or defiant in your attitude, and that you can be strong in what you believe; "I still cling to hope, and I believe in love, and that's faith enough for me..."
FAITHLESS I've got my own moral compass to steer by
A guiding star beats a spirit in the sky
And all the preaching voices -
Empty vessels ring so loud
As they move among the crowd
Fools and thieves are well disguised
In the temple and market place
Like a stone in the river
Against the floods of spring
I will quietly resist
Like the willows in the wind
Or the cliffs along the ocean
I will quietly resist
I don't have faith in faith
I don't believe in belief
You can call me faithless
But I still cling to hope
And I believe in love
And that's faith enough for me
I've got my own spirit level for balance
To tell if my choice is leaning up or down
And all the shouting voices
Try to throw me off my course
Some by sermons, some by force
Fools and thieves are dangerous
In the temple and marketplace
Like a forest bows to winter
Beneath the deep white silence
I will quietly resist
Like a flower in the desert
That only blooms at night
I will quietly resist
Tags: Reflective
"Hi, my name's Dave, and I'm an addict." I said that for the first time exactly 4 weeks ago tonight (although it seems like 14) and things have not been the same since. Each day that has gone by has brought new insights and revelations into who I am, where I've been, and where I hope to go. There have been days where I've been riding high, and days where my emotions have tried to get the best of me. Surprisingly, though, I've not really had any temptation or desire to use, and I'm grateful for that. So I'm just gonna continue to take it a day at a time, keep it simple, and stay dialed in. I'm glad my sponsor told me about this community and I hope to share more in the future. Peace.
Tags: Reflective
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