Last night i felt really excited.  Today, i feel a pit in my stomach.  I am afraid to leave the house, afraid to call someone, afraid of not drinking.  How will i survive?  How am i going to have a life that doesn't involve alcohol? How will i be "me" without being drunk?

I feel like i'm about to sky dive from 40,000 feet.  I don't know if i could pull the parachute cord at the right time to have a safe landing.  Or if i'll get all banged and bruised when i hit the ground. Or if i'll end up 100 miles from where i'm supposed to land.  If i hit the ground running, i might run into a ditch. 

I have a load of soul searching to do, and i have to learn to open myself up to the possibility of a life without alcohol.  I thought this was going to be easy, after how i felt yesterday.  Right now it feels like each day is going to grow more difficult.  Hopefully i can adapt.

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Tonight i went to my first meeting.  I walked in crying my eyes out and left laughing my heart out.  Everyone there was positive, optimistic, and filled with laughter.  The group was so encouraging; i can't wait to go back tomorrow to be sober for another day. 
I never felt proud of myself until tonight when i began working the first step.  For so long i had wrought myself in denial, and going to a meeting to tell someone that i am powerless over alcohol has been a most liberating experience.  I've spent most of the evening meditating on that first step, one day chip in hand, learning that i am not alone in this struggle, nor should i struggle alone.
Right now i am not drinking, and i am grateful for every second.  In all, this has been a very good day.

Tags: Sobriety

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