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Two Years Without a Drink!
As I write down m my inventory on sex, I look after the people that I lusted after. I remember that sexual desires did not interfere with relationships and that is only because I have autism. My social skills were limited and so I was never able to emotionally manipulate to have sex, I wanted to have sex with the woman but I also craved woman loving other woman. It is lust that drove my heart but the desire to take action on that lust rarely reside in my soul. Deep down, I crave the relationship and friendship with the person than the sex. To me, sex is the ultimate spiritual connection between two souls. And therefore acting out on sexual desires is limited in my mind, to the most inimate of relationships.
Tags: Fourth Step
Third Step Prayer -"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" ~Fourth Step Prayer~ Dear God,
It is I who have made my life a mess.
I have done it, but I cannot undo it.
My mistakes are mine, and I will begin a
searching and fearless moral inventory.
I will write down my wrongs,
but I will also include that which is good.
I pray for the strength to complete the task.
~Fifth Step Prayer~
Higher Power,
My inventory has shown me who I am,
yet I ask for Your help in admitting my wrongs
to another person and to You.
Assure me, and be with me, in this Step,
for without this Step I cannot progress in my recovery.
With Your help, I can do this, and I do it. ~Sixth Step Prayer~ Dear God,
I am ready for Your help in removing from me the defects of character
which I now realize are an obstacle to my recovery.
Help me to continue being honest with myself
and guide me toward spiritual and mental health. ~Seventh Step Prayer~
(Page 76 - A. A. Big Book) My Creator,
I am now willing that you should have all of me,
good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me
every single defect of character
which
stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do your bidding.
Amen
~Eighth Step Prayer~
Higher Power,
I ask Your help in making my list of all those I have harmed.
I will take responsibility for my mistakes,
and be forgiving to others as You are forgiving to me.
Grant me the willingness to begin my restitution.
This I pray. ~Ninth Step Prayer~ Higher Power,
I pray for the right attitude to make my amends,
being ever mindful not to harm others in the process.
I ask for Your guidance in making indirect amends.
Most important, I will continue to make amends by
staying abstinent, helping others, and growing in spiritual progress. ~Tenth Step Prayer~ I pray I may continue:
To grow in understanding and effectiveness;
To take daily spot check inventories of myself;
To correct mistakes when I make them;
To take responsibility for my actions;
To be ever aware of my negative and self-defeating attitudes and
behaviors;
To keep my willfulness in check;
To always remember I need Your help;
To keep love and tolerance of others as my code;
And to continue in daily prayer how I can best serve You,
my Higher Power.
Eleventh Step Prayer (Prayer of St. Francis) Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life
Tags: Sprituality
I have a lot of issues with my father. There is often frustration, anger, resentment, and other feelings. It is very hard to have a thoughtful and detailed conversation. I feel often alone from not having a relationship I know that I am not living to my side of the street. My side of the street is filled with the defects of inattention, slothfulness, and dwelling within myself. Yet, I see little payoff to doing stepwork on this issue. I think that stepwork would keep me clean on my side of the street. Stepwork is the only way to solve this. I have to learn that my best thinking got me into the rooms. It is my best thinking that landed me a sponsor and I have to do the step as he told me. I need to understand that I cannot live in my head and I need to get my thoughts to the pen and paper. When I get in my head, I need to write my thoughts down no matter if they ramble or not. If I have issues with a friend, a employer, or my parents, it needs to get down a pen and paper. I need to tell my sponsor about this. And I need to write it here. I almost have a year of soberity and there is still of loads and loads of things to work on. Even things like this. When I first recovered, I could not focus on issue. The only thing that I could focus is remaining sober. Remaining sober for life. Such a challenge. And trying to work problems with my father. Forget it mann. I was just trying to remain sober. And work? The work that I have to do on myself seems infinite and larger than the size of the ocean. And that is just trying to relationship that lives like a perfectionist. It seems that I will never meet his expectations. And yet, I just realized that doing the stepwork to improve my relationship with dad is ultimately done for myself. I am not doing this for him, but rather I desperately need the growth in my life. I have to run. Run towards another place. Another place where the daily grind off life will end. A retreat from reality. A spiritual place. And therefore, I do not need to think about this matter for a long. Time to get off the computer and be transformed to that place, even it is for the weekend. Time to go F
I am Reading From The Doctor's Opinion on page xxix of the Big Book. Of all of types of alcoholics, I was a type of the drinker took a drink a day.
I especially this type of drinker. I drank becuase I had a craving that was beyond my mental control. I also drank because I liked the feeling of getting the mix of the Adderall and getting high.
From the Wives on page 109 of AA Book, I was the alcoholic that lacked of control and I got often out of hand when drinking. I drank in the morning. I got remorseful after serious drinking bouts. I thought that I could drink moderately next time. Oh boy was I fooled.
The funny thing is that I drank alone like any sloshful alcoholic. During the height of my drinking days, I was an just average social drinker. But get in my room, I plow throw a couple of bottles of wines.
I could continued this habit, but I had to drink in the morning. One day I got drunk and went to work. That day was my salvation, the day that I decided throw away to the bottle for good.
That is my experience. What type of alcoholic were you? 
My sponsor asked to write a list ten reasons why I use the Internet and ten reasons Reasons Why To Use The Internet 1. The Internet allows me to connect with old and new friends 2. The Internet allows me to read news from multiple sources including nontraditional media 3. The Internet allows to connect with other people in recovery and to discuss shared experiences in recovery 4. The Internet allows to find structural, social events where I can be around that accept me for who I am. 5. The Internet allows me a place to journal my own thoughts in a journal and share them with others. 6. The Internet allows me to a quick place to access laws and regulations that I use at work and for pleasure when I researching a political issue. 7. The Internet allows me to find the location of places using Google Maps 8. The Internet allows me to access a vast resources of databases that I can use when I performing research on a topic of Interst. 9, I can use the Internet to book trips for travel and use sites like Couch Surfer to save on Travel 10, Can buy a large quantity of books on Amazon.Com Ten Reasons Why Not To Use The Internet 1. The Internet often causes information overload which often causes stress and headache. 2. The Internet prevents me from reading lengthy books which would be very intellecutally stimulating to me. 3. The Internet prevents me from working out of the gym which I need to do increase body size 4. The Internet causes me not to use time productively. 5. The Internet steers towards Burning Man Events instead of trying to build a social network within AA. Burning Man events often have lots of drinking and use of weed. It limits the opportunties that I can have to get know people in the program in F2F time outside of the meeting. 6, Use of the Internet detracts me from calling other alcoholics in the program because I will rely online support more. I won't call old friends and new friends that I meet because I can contact them on the Intertnet. Phone calls require me to spend more time with them and force me to get know them better than using the Internet. 7. My internet habit often causes me to be late to social events because I spend too much on the Internet instead of getting ready. 8. The Internet distracts me from watching movies and sitcoms which would increase my social skills. 9. The internet can result in a decreased attention span due to multitasking. 10. Wasting time on the Internet often blocks accomplishment of household chores.
Is to remain sober. And never get out of habit of attending meetings.
'
The one thing that I need to daily is my 3rd and 9th step prayer to the universe. I do not believe in a concept of an being of infinite intelligence, but the prayers represent how I want to manifest my life
One part of recovery is that one needs to work intensive self-improvement program. One of the consequences that I am finding is that I am becoming my worst critic. I always like critical of myself and beat myself for not meeting "the standard" The standard is mythical state where I achieved what I should be doing. The standard would also require me to have hot girlfriend, to be successful businessman, overcome autism, and overcome the world through self-improvement. In reality, "the standard" is not "the goal" of the program. Trying to make "the standard" is a trip back to the bottle. A person will criticize themself to death will eventually want to turn to drinking to turn off the self-critic. I spend a lot of effot to self-criticize myself because I want to satisfy this mythical committee of very wealthy elite people in my mind. I need to shut off the committee in my head. I need to stop trying to make "the standard and just accept the person that I am. Working hard to satisfy a jugemental person never work. It is better to accept yourself as you are than trying to a mythical standard that makes that person happen. Judgementalness is character defect and therefore, that person should accept me as I am.
Today, I will have nine months sober. I though that I would never get to this point in my life. Last year I was drowning in my disease and was pathway for death. Eventually, the alcohol would consume me to death. The first nine months have been filled with emotional roller coasters. On several occasions, I wanted to that drink and that it would be magic potion to solve my own problems. I had to stay away from events that had alcohol several times because I just was a bad mood and that "magic potion" was there. In reality, "the magic potion" is a poison. A poison designed to interrupt my sernity. A poison that can kill me and can kill others. When I go behind the wheel in an alcoholic insanity, I become killing machine and somebody could die from my insanity. That is why I try to live a serene life. The serene life has removed the will to drink. I can be around it and the thirst to drink is not there. I know it is return to misery if I can pick up the first drink. The biggest problem at nine months I have is events where there is potentially single women, skimpy clothing, and alcohol. The powerful sexual energy that deviates from this place creates depression and sadness because I cannot be with that soul. I should stop worrying about single and just be content with my current status in life. Normal people go through relationships all of the time and by being single, I avoid all of the drama of the relationships. Some relationships have a leech or vampire that suck all of your soberity away. By being single, I avoid to dealing with those leaches and vampires. Just because I have nine months does not give my excuse to go out. I have to accept my life the way it is and I cannot change things that I cannot change. Grace to you all Chris
Tags: Sober Recovery Celebration
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