so i havent been very supportive to anyone on here really and have been selfish only worrying about myself lately and i feel bad for that... right now though i really need help, anyone, anywhere! so this is what is going on...
im so sick and tired of turning to food and having every freaking second of every day of my life revolving around food, if im not eating, worrying about what i ate, when i ate, how much, how much i am going to eat the rest of the day, etc. everyone says it takes time and patience but i feel like im not getting anywhere. today i felt so alone when i was home. both of my parents are getting more into their religions, going to church and all that which is great, let me just tell you that my parents are two totally different religions a jehovahs witness and a catholic... long story short my entire life was trying to make each of them happy and doing what their religion wanted... i was miserable... well now i feel alone simply because i dont know what i want when it comes to god and religion. i dont even want a religion but i do want to believe in god i think. i feel like a part of me is dying and i guess in a way it really is, but i cant take it. I cry soo freaking much and feel so ungodly alone. yes i have people to talk to but i need more. i keep telling my mom i hate my life and im sick of living every second of my life trying to fight urges, that isnt living. maybe this is all a good thing, maybe this means that i am getting to that point where i have had it with my eating disorder and are finally ready to give it up... well i thought that many times before. i just cant seem to get what i need. yes i have grown soo much but i just feel soo sad right now. i want to get into 12 step meetings again but i dont want to go thru... well wait im goin thru h*ll? now just being in the right now. i dont know. any advice any anything please help me !!! i cant take this any more.   sometimes i wish i would dissapear but that is selfish and i dont want to get to the point where i become so stuck in this that i do something i would regret or that i dont want to do.

7 comments View Entry

I feel so ???
I catch myself day dreaming all the time. When im alert its like im in a cloud. When im day dreaming im not even here really. Its almost like I dissociate from my body, I do that a lot. Almost like I dont even want to deal so I just seperate myself from my self ??? I caught myself in a very negative thought process last night, going back to old thoughts [only thoughts] to cutting, which I havent done in quite a while. I realized it was just a cry for help so I asked myself what I really was trying to get attention for, what I needed. !. I think I was exhausted. 2. I had just left somewhere and felt extremely jealous of someone and that I needed to prove myself to her [ not going to go into all that] 3. I was feeling down. 4. It was at night.. nights are always soo hard for me. Anyways I started telling myself that if I reverted to that behavior that so and so would be mad at me, but then really I would be mad at me too, so I didnt... what did I do?? At first I just wanted to cry once I got home. I was trying soo hard not to go straight to the kitchen to binge. My mom said she saved so spaghetti for me, so something went off in my head and I had to eat it.. I couldnt stop there, I thought I already screwed up so what did I do? I ate ice cream, a lot too. Its getting to the point where food is taking over me and no matter how hard I try I cant control it. Im soo exhausted and im just asking myself when will it end. Its like every day I try to do the best I can, but the same thing happens over and over. Maybe its because im thinking that it will happen, maybe its cause its a habit, maybe cause its the only thing familiar, maybe because its comfort?? It could be all those things. Yes im gaining weight and im trying to be okay with it but im not, just because im not starving any more or purging any more doesnt mean I have to be fat to be "normal" I want to stop eating at night now. Its like it goes from one food thing to another, what happens if it goes back to not eating or purging or whatever. I know all this isnt about food, but about control. Im just really overwhelmed right now and need someone to talk to. Not trying to have a pitty party so im sorry if it sounds that way. I really want advice? suggestions? just to hear someone else talk for a minute instead of myself! Thanks for takin time to read this, that there means so much to me... i know im not alone because if i was then you wouldnt be reading this right now...

3 comments View Entry

So I have been working on the 12 steps by myself because i dont have a sponsor, I really dont have anyone who can understand. I want to know how to let my voice be heard instead of reverting back to bad habits and my addiction. I went to aba meetings [anorexia and bulimia annoymous] but felt soo different than everone else. Going to the meetings seems really strange for me, I feel like I am so different than everyone else. I feel like im not as good as they are at my addictions. I know thats crazy talk. I want to be able to stop my bingeing episodes. I dont want to starve, purge, take pills, whatever. I just want to be real and deal with pain like people are supposed to do. I dont know how to sit with any feeling and just deal with it, whether it be a good or bad feeling. I really need some kind of guide or something to keep me going. I get through a day without bingeing and purging but when nighttime comes around I feel so alone and its like something takes over me [my addiction i know] but I cant stop it. It hurts me soo bad just that I give in after a days hard work of staying in recovery. I dont know if im doing something wrong. I dont even know if im ever going to stop, i mean i want to soo bad, but I just dont know how to stop. Im soo overwhelmed right now. I just want to be seen and heard, not be miss invisible any more. I want to be alive without having to starve to feel like im actually a person just like everyone else.

3 comments View Entry

So I cant sleep, my stomach aches and my heart continues to race. I dont know how to have a healthy relationship with food. I know this sounds bad but I love the feeling and the so called "control" of not eating. It gives me some kind of hope away from the binge and purge cycle. I fear hunger because im scared ill binge, when you starve for soo long it just happens. Its a never ending cycle and I hate it. I just recently started going to this ED therapist, which was the biggest mistake of my life. I mean seriously I could write my own book on EDs so why is this woman telling me about them. I thought it would help because maybe she could help me tie my emotions with food and help me find healthier ways to deal and all that but im guessing thats not what she does. Anyways, I binged and purged yesterday... I went to dance after that, something I would have never done before. I had fun even though I felt somewhat sick. When I got home I binged again but didnt purge. Now this morning I feel disgusting, just the fact that knowing all that could have been different. I feel ugly when I cant control what im doing with food. Having an ED is just soo ugly and makes me feel so unpretty. Ok so im not even sure if this makes sense but I just felt like getting that off my chest... thanks

4 comments View Entry