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I got squirrely(sp?) tonight. All day long I had been telling myself that I would be able to handle going out for a bit tonight. My boyfriend has two friends in town and they are in vacation mode. I kinda am too. it's St. patrick's Day in 80 degree sunny Florida.
The plan was to go to the bar a few miles away called Clancy's. It's all decked out for the festivities. I was excited about being part of the Irish celebration -- love the music.
Well, I never got to Clancy's.
I will have 5 years of sobriety in June. I am OK around some alcohol situations. I have not yet been to an actual BAR to hang out. I have eaten in a bar section of a restraunt. That's the extent of it. So, tonight, I figured it would be a fun night to ease into the real world and deal with situations to be social.
I chickened out at the last minute. I started getting feelings of getting there and immediately wanting to leave. I drove by it on my way to the beach this evening and it looked like fun. Huge fenced in party area and the bar connected -- green beads and beer everywhere.. the people flowing into the street, live Irish music. It looked like the good old days. It became a very familiar feeling; seeing that type of scene. I loved the outdoor bar thing.
When I backed out, the guys understood. They knew me from the drinking days as well, so they know about my sobriety as well. I am bummed in a way, but I am proud of myself too. Not for withdrawing from a social scene, but for being strong enough to admit to myself and others that I will not jeopardize my sobriety. I will not start over because I went out and tempted myself and set those beer receptors afire in my brain. end of story.
So, here I type, in my "everyone Loves an Irish Girl" green t-shirt and DD on my hands. I was gonna be the designated driver. I feel OK. I like to participate in life, but I know still, that where there is alcohol freely flowing, I cannot be a part of that life. Tonight I will study instead and snuggle with my big spazzy dog. Happy Sober St. Patrick's Day to all.
I had a rough patch in life that was eased about a week ago. I went through a lot of mental changes and was dealing with them as best as I could. I did a lot of turning it over. I had a hard time turning it all over; but eventually the burdens were lessened and my heart and my head were a lot less heavy. I prayed constantly. I was asking for guidance, for a hint of the way I was going to go. I was floating -- in an unknown zone -- I was lost.
So, now, since I have been released of the burden of worrying about the unknown and the inevitable, I have a whole new outlook. I have been feeling so good, that this morning I looked back through my 24 hour Book for the meditation that seemed to fit. This should be said every day::::::
"As I continue on my spiritual journey, I will seek and follow Divine Guidance and know there is always a place prepared for me. Nothing but my own pride and fear can keep me from my dwelling place with God. I need not strain nor struggle to obtain that which God wants me to have. My only responsibility is to accept God's guidance and follow the highest principles in all my affairs." Feb. 29, -24 Hours A Day.
I am filled with His strength. This is really a bizarre thing for me -- I feel closer to God than I ever have. This meditation just makes me remember that I do not have to go it alone. I will be guided, I just need to do the best on my part. Not a hard task if God is in my heart. Reality hits and life happens -- every hard thing that has come along so far I have been able to make it through without alcohol and with God. Sweet.
Well, I had to do the inevitable yesterday. I had to take my best friend of 14.5 years to the vet so he could be put to rest. Over the last week he had really deteriorated and I knew he was just fighting to be with his Momma, but his body was not cooperating. 2:30 p.m., 2/29/08. It was very peaceful and I got to look into his eyes the whole time. He knew I was with him. He walked more in that little room waiting for the vet than he had in the last 2 days. I started questioning myself........ I wanted to be selfish and take him out of there and bring him back home. I knew I couldn't. He needed to rest. I asked God for strength all day yesterday. I got it.
Right afterwards, I went to my AA meeting. The best place for me to go. I got lots of hugs and support. I hated going home, but I had to. My boyfriend took me out to dinner as I could not be in the house. I went to bed at 8:30, just to hibernate.
I have been up since 4 this morning, trying not to cry, but the tears keep falling. I have emailed my best friend from home to tell her, and that's how the waterworks started. Now I can't shut them off.
I feel so lonely. So lost. So so sad. This doggy of mine was 8 weeks old when I got him. He's lived in 4 different states, been through my divorce, dealt with me coming home drunk, loved me when nobody else did -- all that. He has been my snuggle Buddy for so long; I don't know what to do now. I have the other dog, but she's big and hyper, although she licks my face when the tears fall and is at my feet as I type this. She laid on the floor under Buddy on the couch all day until we left yesterday.
Waking up this morning has been difficult. No white dog growling for his food. No dog clanging the dog dishes around trying to lick them beyond clean........ I have a huge void.
I know all of this will pass; but right now I am dealing with something I hate. Life is hard, it's how I will get through this that will be my test. I have no desires to drink, but I do wish I could escape. Luckily I have to work today and tomorrow, so for 24 out of the next 48 hours I can mostly focus on caring for others, and not on my void.
My boyfriend is trying to help, but in reality, all I want is to be alone. He's not an affectionate person, so I get no hugs from him. He's trying tho, bless his heart.
So, I may not be too social on here for a few days, I need to sort out my head and my heart. A new chapter in my life is going to open up soon. Buddy's passing was the beginning of the end of this present chapter I am in. God is going to carry me through. I know this. Thanks all for being here and for helping to keep me sober, one day at a time. 
 This was too big to put in as a comment to anyone, but I think it is really cute, had to share with all.... Have a great weekend everyone!
Tags: Happy
" I pray that the little stones that I put into the mosaic of my life may make a worthwhile pattern..." &nb sp; ~Twenty Four Hours A Day book This is from today's prayer from the 24 hours a day book. I LOVE this line. How cool is it, really?? My life is truly a mosaic... all sorts of different shapes and patterns and colors... jumbled up but slowly starting to form a nice work of art...God willing. This is too funny.. as I am typing this, Neil Diamond is belting out the song "Red, Red Wine". I am a fan of Neil.. good toe tapping stuff. I just wanted to share that line with those who may not have the book it came from. Everyone should have one. I received mine from a great friend. It's a nice way to start the day. Smile -- it's contagious!
Tags: Serene
I have been up forever this morning thanks to my precious four legged babies and their bladders; so I have been surfing the net. I looked at TMZ.com and there is a section on there called "Drunks". Video after video of regular everyday people in LA, I believe, who are filmed while they are out partying... well, the after effects of consuming various amounts of alcohol. They are filmed on the streets around what I assume is the "Bar" scene. My whole point of this is......... It is really a great way to remind myself of what I used to look like. Usually in the clips, there is that ONE person who is more drunk than the others. That was me. Always the problem drunk. As I watched these people, I was reminded how I felt when I was in that state of drunkeness. I could picture myself as that girl. There is one clip where a woman has to walk a straight line to get into a club. She can't do it. She cannot put one foot in front of the other. I remembered how hard it used to be for me to walk. Also trying to hold my composure and thinking I was passing the test, when in reality, I was swaying to and fro, slurring, tripping, getting uglier by the minute. In every clip I saw myself. I wanted to stop watching after the first few, but then I kept clicking on the next one. Kinda weird, I was drawn into wanting to really see what I used to be like. I am happy to say, I will never end up on TMZ.com, God willing. That is why the "mood" I am in right now is Happy. I don't want to be like that again. It's really pretty awful. Not becoming at all. Thanks to technology, none of us ever have to experiement again, we can just watch the videos and be reminded of why we chose a new way of life. Happy Saturday and May the best TEAM win!! Go BUCS!!, oh yeah, they are done.. :) Peace.
Tags: Happy
So, I have been in Hawaii for 24 hours now. It is wonderful being here and being with my Mom and Brother. It is a trip home I cherish every year now. It wasn't always that way. Just since I have gotten sober have the 3 of us been able to hang out and enjoy each others' company.
My brother brought "my personal file" to me last night. This is a huge file filled with things that my dad saved -- report cards (ugh!!), handmade cards, camp applications, bike registrations -- anything and everything. My dad was a lawyer, so, yes, he saved everything and we each had our own personal files.
So, as I was going through this huge file last night, I came across two papers I had written my freshman year in college. I have no idea why I chose to send them to Dad, but I did. Everything happens for a reason....
One of the papers was written about a relative we called Aunt Grandma Sis. She lived in Vermont and I was going to school in Vermont. My family spent that Thanksgiving with her and her husband -- November of 1988...... I had just started my own bout with drinking. Here is a little bit of what I wrote...
"We all went out to dinner the night we got to their house. As soon as we got there, she ordered an enormous glass of Bourbon. I couldn't believe a woman so old and frail could drink such a large glass of hard liquor. She ordered a meal and ate only a few bites and stopped. She then chugged on her Bourbon until every drop was gone. Then she fell asleep while we all finished our dinner.
When we got back to the house, I went upstairs to watch T.V. All around me were glasses either half full of bourbon or empty. It smelled like a bourbon factory in that room. I just assumed they had built up over the days and they were too lazy to take their glasses to the kitchen, so I took them down for them.
The next day, my family and I went to a wedding for most of the day. When we got back, I went up to change and took a detour through the tv room. To my dismay, there were atleast 8 more glasses up there. It was then that I realized that my Aunt Grandma Sis and her husband were actual alcoholics.
This past vacation gave me a real shock. It made me realize just how dangerous alcohol really is. it never leaves a person's system, it just accumulates over time. From now on, I am going to watch how much alcohol I drink over time. I certainly don't want to turn into my Aunt Grandma Sis."
WOW, I was blown away -- had no recollection of writing this paper. I did get an A on it. I wish I had really taken to heart what I wrote. It was that year in college where my alcoholism blossomed. Again, I have no idea why I chose to send this paper to my dad or why he chose to keep it -- creepy, eh?? :) Just had to share this. ALOHA!!
Tags: Reflective
13 years ago today I got married. I was 24 years old. It was one of the happiest days in my life. A year and a half later, I got divorced. I broke my ex's heart. Our relationship was not what I wanted. We had dated for 3 years before we married. Lived together for 2 1/2. I knew what I was getting, no surprises. I fell out of love. The ex was 9 years older and had his own issues with depression and pot smoking. My parents were very skeptical of him, but they saw that I was in love and did not want to burst my bubble. We had an awesome wedding - in Hawaii - need I say more?? Family members flew in from far and wide. As I said before, it was one of the happiest days.................................. I had been drinking for 7 years by then. Not constantly, but it was getting to that point. My ex married me knowing I liked to drink and when I drank, I got drunk. We used to hang out at the same dive bar. He was a townie, I was a student at the college in his hometown. A po-dunk town.. not much going on...except parties, parties and more parties. I barely went to classes. I didn't want to miss out on anything fun - which was anything besides school. We finally hooked up on Valentine's Day -- we were dateless in the bar. Ahh, drunk love in the stale stinky air............ We lived in upstate NY, New Jersey and then finally Hilton Head, S.C.. I had no desires to continue on with a Master's (yes, I got a bachelor's degree -- barely), so I became a waitress. Hilton Head is a tourist spot - lots of restraunts, lots of bars, lots of single people just living life in a sweet spot. Beach by day, work, then party all night. I was a married person in a single person's environment. My hubby was older and had no desires to hang out every night. He didn't like to hang out at all. A tennis professional by day, a pot smoking hermit by night. I made friends, he didn't want to make friends. This was the beginning of the end. He wanted to control me and have me at home with him. I could only watch so much ESPN and smoke so much pot. We had our puppy Buddy...... I walked him about a thousand times a night, just to get out. He and I had a blast. The ex would get jealous -- of our DOG! Hmmm..... Needless to say, one night I came home and told him it was over. His depression worsened and I was fed up w/ his crying and carrying on -- that all strengthened my desires to get out. I got out and I DRANK. I got the dog, moved in w/ a total stranger ( who became a best friend) and continued to party. I got into a lot of sticky situations. The ex and I remained friends, he turned into an older brother... (ewww!!) He moved to Florida and went to law school a year later. I stayed on Hilton Head for another few years. Wrong decision. I had no where else to go. Couldn't fly home to Hawaii -- had a dog -- quarantine in Hawaii is awful and would not put my dog through that. My Dad's cancer was taking him away from me, I was across the country. I flew home 3 times the summer he died. Always wanting to get back to my life. How selfish. I had no control over anything... not even my drinking. It spiralled out of control. My Daddy died in Aug. of '98 and in April of '99 I moved to Williamsburg, VA. to be closer to some family. Little did I know that after another 4 horrendous years of drinking, that I would find the doors to AA. One thing my ex always said to me was that I was really ugly when I drank. I thought he meant physically -- yes, I was scary looking after hours of drinking. The day after I would be something you'd see in a haunted house -- sooo ugly. But, what he actually meant was my personality. I lost me. I lost who I was. I didn't care about anything but my dog and my drinking. My doggy even suffered because Momma wanted to drink more than be at home. UGH. I am reflective today because as I said before, this day was one of the best and one I will never forget. Why?? because my Daddy got to walk his baby girl down the aisle. I am happy my life took that path at that time. He died 4 years later -- he died knowing his daughter was no longer married to the sketchy dude -- he thought I was happy. I put on a good facade when I was home with him. Since I have gotten sober, I have had a lot of time to reflect on things in my life. Since I have learned that God has a plan for all of us, I have made peace with the fact that I got married too soon to a person who was not right for me. I would not take that part of my life back. It has helped me become the person I am today. I have learned. I have had my eyes opened up. I have had a complete change. I got ME back. I also got an awesome doggie out of the deal. But, the most comforting, fabulous memory (and pictures) I have is having my Dad walk me down the aisle. So proud, so loving, so father-daughter esque. God knew my Dad would not be around much longer, this was our opportunity and I am glad we acted on it. It's funny, but my ex has called me almost every year to say Happy Anniversary. At first I was creeped out, but we have a great friendship and it was a very important day for both of us. He just recently got remarried and lives in Arkansas -- I was happy about that. He has a new life and we have closure. For me, this day will always have a special place in my heart.
Tags: Reflective
Frustrated needs to be in the Mood Category Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. This is an acronym describing me. I am not hungry for food. I am hungry for an issue-free life... just for a moment. Angry -- I am angry that I have to deal with a knee that will not permit me to do the best I can at work. I am angry that I work in a place that overloads me with patients. I am angry that I cannot be on top of my game 100% of the time at work. I am angry that I have no job security and that because of my upcoming surgery, I may lose my job. Lonely - I am lonely for the support of my significant other. He tries, but he isn't quite there. he has made progress, but always in the back of his mind, money is his first priority. My job is now HIS concern. My knee is not. Humph. Tired - I am now tired of whining and I will get off of my pity pot. Tired of having issues that all intertwine one way or another. This too shall pass. I said it ALL day at work yesterday and will continue to say it until it has passed. I have to turn all these feelings over to my Higher Power and ask for guidance. Everything happens for a reason. I believe it will be for the better... in the long run. Now, I am going to go in the pool and then to a meeting. Aloha y'all, and Happy Saturday!! Peace.
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