Just wanted to share something with everyone. Just got back from watching Evan Almighty -- and I STRONGLY suggest that people check that movie out.
I'm not going to spoil the whole movie for you, but there's a line that absolutely moved me to tears, as it was directly in the line of prayer I've been concentrating on for a month straight now. At one point in the movie, a conflicted character is having a conversation with God, asking what she should do... and God slips out this line of wisdom (*I'm paraphrasing, but the meaning is true)
"...when people pray for courage, I don't give them courage, I give them opportunities to BE courageous. When they ask for strength, I give them opportunities to BE strong."
This thing I'm fighting, God isn't going to take it away. He's going to continue to give me opportunities to show how serious I am about doing the right thing. I have the choice to either put down the thing that gets me, or answer my flesh and do what I will.
It's not up to God to heal me, it's up to me to take the opportunities he gives me to become the man he created me to be.
When I heard that quote, I cried. Glad the theatre was dark. :)
Tags: Enthusiastic
Hi, my name is Tony, and I'm a slowly recovering sex/porn/love addict. And I should've been writing this blog for the last couple of years since my recovery started... but I am obviously clinging mightily to the lie.
In a later blog, I'll share my whole story and do a proper 1st step -- I already have mine written, but I've never had a chance to give it at a meeting. I did go to 2 meetings a week -- SA -- for a good year and a half, but found myself getting angrier at the group than I'd been at the hole in my life. You see, sex addicts are very different from alcoholics and narcotics addicts. This is certainly not to shrink the significance of being addicted to something that I haven't had a problem with, just a physical difference. Whereas for the alcoholic to actually take a drink, a beer has to be physically present, for the porn and fantasy addict, the drug is ALWAYS present in our minds, and much more readily available in the streets. While many of us tend to have self-image issues, not everyone has their drug of choice readily available, all day, every day, regardless of money, location, or whether they're surrounded by people that help them.
I can be in a room full of people that know what I'm fighting, and they cannot possibly physically restrain me from thinking about that ex-girlfriend, or that one time when...
Today I am stressing about money (the root of all kinds of evil) and where to look for a job, my college schedule, a missed exam, my car being in bad shape, etc. This beating myself up put me into a horrible frame of mind, and rather than doing the right thing, I dug into a few websites, took a couple of lust hits, and went upstairs and acted out. Of course, I knew this wouldn't really fix the problem, but I was so depressed at the time that I didn't care about the consequences, I just wanted to escape from the reality that I so dislike right now.
Meanwhile, I shouldn't be living my life so selfishly, as if I'm the only one that reaps the benefits and consequences of my actions -- my fiance, who loves and supports me in everything, has to look me in the eyes every day. Can she really believe that I love and cherish her when my chosen way to escape a rough day is to think about other girls who once liked me? Of all the guilty things attached to my sickness, that is THE ONE THING that keeps me on the path of recovery (most of the time). I want to be a complete man, where there is nothing to feel guilty about, in my relationship with her and my relationship with Christ. Right now, this is holding me back more than anything I've ever experienced.
Lord, help me to want what YOU want for my life, and help me to work hard to get that!
Tags: Disappointed
