Well,I messed up,relapsed,slipped.I started drinking again and have blown my wifes fragile trust clean out of the water.I have stopped using a lot of substances in my life but alcohol is the hardest for me.I dont even like being drunk,I like the buffer a buzz gives me.I am scared in my everyday life with no reason to be scared.I am talented,strong,tall,have two beautiful sons,and I am an alcoholic.

Alcohol will cause me to lose everything I have,if I do not work the program.

Peace,Donovan

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Well,I have 5 months today and I feel good about that.My wife loves me still and even wants me around (YAY).We got my son moved into his new room on Sunday,which he (and us) are very happy about.I am actually finishing projects,instead of making up reasons to postpone them.I am thankful to the program,to my loving wife,and to all of you here for helping me not ruin something really good (my life).I would also like to thank the members of the Academy for (wait,wrong speech).Being part of the world again is one of the best things to come out of this recovery.I know now that I can change my destructive behavior into constructive actions.I am glad that AA and Alanon are here for me to make use of and for all of you too.

Peace,Donovan

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I have been alone the last two weeks at my house(except for my lovely Pom puppies),as my family went to Puerto Vallarta,Mexico.It has been nice,in alot of ways to get time to myself,to finish some projects,to think and read and watch the movies I want to watch.I do miss the busyness of the family around,though.I stayed sober,I hung out with my older boy(21) for dinner a few times,went and stayed at a friends house when I was bored and lonely and didnt want to be alone.All in all,a pretty good time for me.I went to breakfast with one of my oldest friends,and when we were standing outside talking my other oldest friend pulled up and said that he had a week sober.I was happy for him and myself,because I have not been going to his place much because of his drinking and my sobriety.I am very happy for him and will give him all the support I can.Anyway,my point about all this,is that good things do come out of being able to live life on its terms.I missed my family very much,but I was able to live my life and work my program w/o them around.

Peace,Donovan

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So,today went well. I was surprised at the response to my blog the other day because I was  actually in a good frame of mind and was trying to say how well things were going.It showed me how skewed my reference points are because of all your responses.I am starting from zero on this personal analysis and fearless inventory because my life has been filled with fear.Fear of not fitting in when I was younger,fear of not being smart enough,fear of getting arrested,fear of loss.My fear has made me not live my life.It has made me turn away from things that could have made me a better ,more aware person.It has made me lose touch with what I want to have happen.I dont talk about my feelings well because I never thought they mattered to anyone.Including myself.Thank you for all of your good thoughts and words,it makes me realize that people do care about how I feel.What is happening to me now is starting to know that I am loved and worthy of that love.
Peace,Donovan

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What is my goal with this sobriety stuff,anyway?
I know that my wife and sons like me better this way,but I am noticing that I am still kind of a jerk.I am not much fun,I dont really like to do anything,I prefer to stay home,like it was when I was drinking.I guess I want that pink cloud stuff at least once but I am not happy unless I really work at it or fake it.Sometimes,it seems that noticing the bad parts of myself are all that I am getting out of this.Well, that,and the occasional cuddle with my wife.I guess that at least noticing my bad parts are what I will start with and I will progress towards that happiness.I want to to enjoy my life more,because it is a good one.So,I answered my question,Didnt I?

Peace,Donovan

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So,I know its been a while since I have written anything and I really miss it.When I came here first I was looking for resources to "WORK THE STEPS".

What happened was the first part of living outside my own head.

I live in a really small town,where everybody knows (and talks) about everything that goes on.Who is a drunk/addict/cheater/liar/thief/ whatever.

So when I started to "WORK THE STEPS",I had to acknowledge my place in all of that and move on.And I have to realize that others do not move on at the same pace as I am trying to.People will talk and belittle and dismiss but I can still be a better person today than I was yesterday.

When I go inside myself(read self-will) things happen in an order that stops me from moving in a good orderly direction.

My step work has been helping me to not talk,belittle or dismiss other people as readily as I once did(or might still want to).

Peace,Donovan

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but I am alright.I have been having a good time for the last few weeks.I realized today that I usually write when things are going badly for me.That means that you all get my venting moments,not my peaceful times.My sense of fairness is offended by that,and I want you all to know that I am in a good space mentally,physically and emotionally.My marriage counsellor has my wife and I do a homework process called MAD,SAD,GLAD,SCARED,where we say,in order one of those things to each other.Like,I am mad that you did not wash the dishes,etc. I have been having a hard time with anything except the glad part lately.This does kind of worry me because I have a good track record of F***ing things up.I was talking last night at meeting about the difference between hope and expectations.I hope that I will be able to do the right things,but I expect that I will not.I  am working to not realize my expectations that way.I will continue to accept my path as it will be,not what I think it should be.

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

This sounds like something easy enough to do.Nah,not so much.

For me it has been a big stopping point.For others,too or it would not get its own whole step.I thought,there is nothing new in the big book or the steps until I realized they do apply to me.I have nothing new to bring to them except myself.

Peace,Donovan

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Well,I made it this far.Since Sep.24, I have been to 32 meetings,gotten a sponsor,been to marriage counselling 3 times,(he was on vacation),taken my wife to 3 meetings and my son to 1.I have also had 2 good visits with my mom(and told her that she can love me,but not fix me).I have also taken care of my store,bought a new Pomeranian puppy ( pictures soon),made good progress on our home expansion (roof before rain,hopefully),been to the ocean,played golf,been to the movies and did not drink.I am glad about all these things especially for the support I have found and am willing to accept from all of you here and in the AA groups.Thank you,to Mish for your lightness,to Dennis for playing with chalk,to Rissy for making me realize that all problems are related,to Keith for time-tested wisdom,and to all of you others for caring and sharing.I am stronger for knowing you all.

Peace,Donovan

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is not very easy for me to do.But I finally did on Friday,I asked one of the long timers to be my sponsor.And he accepted!I had been coming to the realization that there was no way to do the fourth step without guidance.Just too many questions that I dont know how to ask myself.So I am very happy to have some help with that.As of today I will have 21 meetings in 21 days and it really does help.I think that drunks like me really are helped by the structure and forms of the meetings.It gives you something to not think about,it is just a constant kind of thing.I am going to the big town about an hour north of us today and their meetings are usually about 40-50 people compared to my home group at about 5-15.Also I am going to marriage counseling solo,so it will be a long day of self analysis(woot).Anyway,talk to you all later.

Peace,Donovan

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