Haha, well, it looks like you guys are going to hear a lot from me. I haven’t written in a journal in ages, but it seems to work, so I’m going to keep doing it. This is actually from last night, and just writing it helped me get some perspective and change my thinking just a little bit, but all of this is definitely still current, so I thought I’d post it even though I’ll be writing again soon. Here it is:

Honestly, I’m an angry person right now.

I’m pretty freaking angry at God. And generally, I’m not an angry-at-God kind of person. Or even a generally angry person. At least I never thought I was. It’s when I really start to look at myself like this that I get so angry I could scream. Having an addiction like this, it just seems so unfair. Its not like I went out looking for this with a complete understanding of the consequences, or that I’ve had any control over some of the things that have created my issues. I mean, ok, maybe the pornography was completely my decision despite knowing its wrong. But masturbation- I was 11 or 12!  How does God let that happen? Knowing that I would become addicted? I just don’t understand that- and its funny because I have no problem with the usual explanations for why bad things happen in the world- you know, people do it, not God; we have free will, etc. But when it directly affects me, I guess I have a harder time. Of course, this little bit (ha!) of anger just digs up the other anger I have at Him for not giving me the picture perfect family, for having parents who divorced when I was so young I can’t even remember them together, for a father who has been in and out of my life and has his own depression issues, and for a mother with love addiction issues and other mental health problems that it seems she has passed on. With all of these obstacles, who would be surprised that I have addictions relating to intimacy, love, and needing to feel comforted and wanted? Yet, I re-read that question, and it makes me feel a little sick because I’ve always been one to believe you can overcome anything. Basically, its starting to look like I should practice what I preach and stop with the self-pity.

At the same time, I have anger at my dad and mom. And I’m angry at society for being so sexualized that a young pre-teen girl could learn so much, so easily. But then, I realize I need to be responsible for myself, and I manage to dig up just enough additional anger to be furious with myself for being too curious when I was young, for not being able to deal with my family issues, for not reaching out for help earlier, for not being able to stop now, for being angry with anyone but myself, for not taking responsibility.

Basically, I have all this rage, and nothing to do with it, because I’m that girl that’s always happy, always avoiding confrontation, always smiling for the sake of everyone else, pretending to have everything under control. And quite obviously, most of my anger and my need to either be in control or blame something else for not being in control  is getting in the way of my first step- I can’t seem to really admit I’m powerless in all of this, because I’m convinced I shouldn’t be. And I can already see the issues coming with step 2 and 3- which I shouldn’t even be thinking about yet, I suppose. Maybe at least now that I recognize my anger I’ll be able to do something with it, though I’m not entirely sure of what.

Anyway- long- sorry to dump on you all and thanks if you actually read all of that.

Tags: Anger Addiction Sex Recovery

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So, I suppose every addict has been there before. That first day of sobriety. Well, today, that is were I am.

I don't even know where to start. It's been a long time since I've been on here- it almost seems like a lifetime ago. I'm a sex addict- at least in that I am addicted to porn and masturbation, as well as cyber sex. And it's pretty hard for me to admit that. Its hard, because for me, this has never been an addiction, but more of a bad habit. I've even called it a sin, but I've never sincerely called it an addiction.

But, I guess after everything I've tried in the last year (and in the years before) to stop, and all the failures, I can't  make any more excuses. And I certainly have a lot of them, just like any other addict. I also have just as many stories of the same old cycle. I slip somehow, then make a promise to myself, God, or even one of the few people who know about my issues, only to break it.

Usually, I break the promise, only to immediately make another one. My slips are usually just a couple days long, then I have a few days, or a week, or a few weeks, or even a month or two of sobriety before i have yet another slip. Its a terrible cycle, and I think the worst part is that I've stopped feeling bad about it. And now that's led to the worst slip I've had in a long time- if it can even be called just a slip after lasting more than two weeks. Its more of a binge honestly. 

And, in that same spirit of honesty that I'm trying to get into so I can really see things clearly, I don't even really want to stop right now. For the first time, I'm realizing how truly out of control I am- in this exact moment, I could choose to slip again so easily. The feeling is terrifying, and I'm not really sure what to do. But, maybe writing will help. So, this is me, publicly dclaring that I'm starting over. I hope I can get it right this time.

Tags: Addiction Sex Pornography Recovery

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