I have the motivation.

But only in the moment.

When talking about something I have been interested in, or something I have set to the side, I find the push I need to continue with it.

Until tomorrow.

Then, that motivation is pushed, once again, into the back corners of my mind amongst the cobwebs.

Life's daily complications take over.

Why is that?

I need to find a way to hold onto that motivation.

To keep it within me.

I find that "umph" for the things I am currently doing day to day.

Because they are staring me right in the face.

Looking at me, demanding my attention.

How do I make the things that will bring me further into the depths of happiness, stand out in that same way?

I need to figure out how to make them nag at me.

Maybe it's just as simple as going out there and doing it.

No matter how much I don't want to tomorrow.

Because if it spiked my interest enough for me to get excited and enthusiastic about it, does it not deserve my attention and effort?

I think it does.

I want to go back to school, to begin dance, skating, piano and violin again. To put as much effort into my own life as I do with everyone elses.

Among many other things.

It's time to do ME.

I need to hold onto this motivation.

It can't be all that complicated, or hard.

If you can do it, if they can do it, then fuck...

So can I.

Perseverance is key.

Procrastination is not.

As an addict, procrastinating is definitely a favourite past time.

But I have recovery.

Recovery teaches perseverance.

Time to jump head first into the pool of forgotten interests and set aside dreams.

Just for today, I will keep myself motivated.

Simple as that.

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School.

Back to it.

I've procrastinated it for three years now.

It's time to do this.

THREE YEARS!

Holy s**t. that's a lot of time.

Time that has flown by, without me even noticing.

That, in itself, shows how f**ked up I've been for the last little while.

Time to set my life back on track.

Get'r done.

I had this plan before..

To be that sophisticated University student.

To be the daughter my parents always wanted.

That's the only reason I ever pushed as hard as I did.

F**k THAT.

But, I still want to go to school.

My mind is halting me because, for some reason, I don't want to do anything that satisfies my parents.

But if I want to do it, why not just do it?

I need to get over this.

I need to stop resisting things that I truly want, things that would better my life in many ways, just because it is going to prove someone else who I am still holding resentment towards, right.

Who cares?

It's making me happy, and in the process, it's also making someone else happy.

Because of something I'M doing.

What does it matter how I feel about them?

I can do this.

I have the brain, why not put it to use?

What hurt can an education really cause?

Nothing.

It can only further myself in any career choice I make.

Woot, I'm doing it.

Just for today, I will value the education I have, and value the fact that I have the opportunity to further it.

A+!

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Don't let me drown.

Today, my mind is at peace.

I don't quite know where that first sentence came from, but I felt the need to write it down, so I did.

Recent events have put my experiences into perspective for me.

A friend of mind ended up in ICU as a direct result of drugs and alcohol, practically brain dead.

On the weekend, another friend of mine Od'd, but survived.

And you know what?

My mind, body, and soul do not want me to end up there.

Instead of letting this overwhelm me, put me in danger of relapse, and bring me down...

I have made the concious choice to have their experiences be a pushing force in my recovery.

Jails, institutions, and death.

F**k THAT.

I will not end up like them.

I have myself the opportunity of life.

That will not be taken away from me.

No way, no how.

Just for today, I will believe in myself as a person, and take strength instead of negativism from others experiences with substance abuse.

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I still feel there is more inside of me that needs to be let out.

There's so many things i want to tell the people who surround me, but for some reason, i stop myself.

ugh, whatever.

my mind is telling me that i do not have an addiction, that i am not an addict in any way, shape or form.

why then, does my chest tighten and my mind and emotions go on a rampage when i think about not using my drug of choice ever again?

will i have this feeling within me forever?

will this always be my automatic reaction whenever the thought flitters through my mind?

i guess ill never know until i try.

if it is indeed going to stay with me, can i deal with that? can i learn to accept it, embrace it as a part of who i am?

i think i can.

no.

i know i can.

its just going to take some time.

i am not crazy, i am not insane.

i am FEELING.

what a wonderous thing.

why did i ever use a substance to shut out any hint of real and true feelings?

they are raw, and they split open the wounds i have kept covered with my superficial bandaid.

and, even though it's painful, at least i can finally see my life through sober eyes.

and feel the things that others do.

amazing, simply amazing.

progress, not perfection.

and i would definitely say that this is progress.

F**k yeah.

just for today, i will welcome the feelings that have been strangers to me for too long with open arms.

welcome home.

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addiction.

this word scares the s**t out of me.

but do you want to know what word is even more terrifying?

addict.

because that's what i am.

that's who i am, and it shall forever remain with me.

it's like a black clud hanging over, constantly seperating me from society.

making me stand out, when all i want to do is blend in, be normal.

but what really is normal?

everybody has a secret. something they feel alienates them.

but if everybody has something like that, does that not mean that we all have something in common?

then we all can't be so different, can we?

why is it, then, that us, the addicts, are constantly searching for acceptance b people who have a secret too?

why can't we just be comfortable in our own skin? if somebody looks at s the wrong way, we instantly feel that we are being judged and that we have something to prove.

why why why?

we're human.

just because we are addicts does not mean that we are not human.

god darn it, this is frustrating isnt it?

a constant battle within myself, between wanting to be accpted, and really not giving two shits.

if you, or they, are juding me, why the F**k should i care? you clearly aren't worth my time.

but still, i give you the time of day.

i let you in.

when you just shove me away.

ugh. bullshit.

thats what i think.

those who judge, have no place in my life.

FINAL.

just for today, i will appreciate myself, my addiction, and my recovery without the need for acceptance from any one of you.

Done.

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