As part of my recovery, I am going to start searching out for role models that have characteristics I would like to possess. And if I cannot, at least I will be inspired to see that there is so much more in life than sitting in a bar an getting hammered. One such person is this guy: http://www.youtube.com/user/estan247
VICTORY!....... For the first time, I actually broke the urge to drink when it hit me hard. I actually went out the door and drove to the bar, and then something wonderful happened. I drove passed the bar and came home. That is a miracle. When the urge hits me that hard to cause me to drive to the bar, its all over at that point; but from somewhere I got strength to drive back. I did feel like going out again; but I was able to overcome those urges.
I think it maybe due to the fact that I have been devoting a lot of time praying. I have been playing gospel music all night long while I sleep. I just put it on repeat and it would sing the same gospel song over and over and over again for hours while I slept. I think this is helping me break out of the habitual thoughts I have when the drinking urges take me over.
I know that I am still vulnernable and I have to stay on guard every day. I am a prisoner in my own body and a slave to my own mind that hands me the next drink. It has made me depressed for a few days. I actually took the Baby Bar Exam hung over. Nevertheless, i am still working out with the P90X program and its great. It is the first time that I have used a program that makes different parts of my body sore every time I use it.
I had a run in with the law this past week. I was obvioulsy intoxicated and I over reacted to someone's insulting behavior. I just started screaming on the train. I got hit with a "disturbing the peace". I have a court date now. This is nuts. I am getting some help. I just can't stop this drinking alone. I can stop for a few weeks and then something else takes over and nothing else matters. I am in a deadly cycle right now.
One good news, I did start that P90X program to keep myself fit. That is one mean program. It will make your body hurt all over. This month I find out whether I passed the Baby Bar Exam. I am crossing my fingers.
I am still alive..... I went to California and took the Baby Bar Exam. I feel confident that I passed. You never know; but I that won't stop me.
I am still struggling to get a hold of this drinking. I don't feel healthy. I still feel like I can drop any day; but I am pushing on.
I did hear some good news.The business model I thought of years ago concerning people renting their cars out to each other under the domain name RentMyCar.com/net/org is gaining speed around the World. This month California modified their insurance laws to allow people to rent their cars out to each other for money. Cal. Bill AB 1871. It's funny. Years ago no one was talking about this idea when I put down $1,200 for the domain name and now they are all over it. I saw the potential. It's on TV and in the newspapers and now the politicians got a hold of it. I got a programmer and business consultant to start planning for the explosion that is about to happen. I hope I am around to enjoy the ride.
They call this business model "Personal Car Sharing"
I finally got some health insurance. I have been getting regular heart palpatations and today I had a prolonged one. The good thing about these is that they are NOT painful. I guess if I die via a heart attack, its NOT going to be so painful. Thank God for that. But I'm not going without a fight. I am setting up an appointment with a doctor familiar with my case. He's a good doctor.
I am also making arrangements for rehab. Since I have medical insurance now, I am able to go to 28 day detoc and a 12 month rehab program. You know, I would like to enjoy my life as a sober healthy person for a little time before I go. I don't think that is too much to ask for. I ready to go; but I would like to experience what it feels like to have peace of mind and body. I would like to find peace for just a short period before I leave this Earth. Death doesn't scare me. I am ready.
I recently got out of the hospital after a night of drinking that resulted in three guys breaking my ribs and putting a hole in my lung. I don't know if they were trying to rob me or I approached them in a drunken state. I can't remember. I have never felt so much pain in my life. I couldn't move. I Didn't realize how painful brokern ribs could be. The last two times some one beat me up severly when I was drunk didn't hurt so much. Even when they broke my jaw in three places. My jaw was wired shut for about a month; but it didn't hurt as much as my broken ribs. During this recent event, the hospital kept feeding me drugs, which put a scare in me from the addition element.
I relapsed again last night. The urge is absolutely incredible. Nothing else matters when the trigger ignites the urge.
This last event has made me come to the complete and final realization that I am powerless over my addiction. I have contacted a rehab center in New York and I will be admitted for 28 days. After that, I am going down to Florida to attend a 9 month inhouse rehab program. I do NOT plan to return to New York to live since there is just too much temptation for me. I will be doing all this while continuing my law school studies (online courses).
I am surprised right now how I have NOT suffered a heart attack yet. But I can feel that it's just around the corner. Coming down is hell.
This has to be a mental illness. The urges are incredible. There is no way I can do this alone. My mother is doing better so I am going back down to Miami for good. I am going to go back to that church and attend meetings. I need a sponsor to help me on the days the urges hit me. They are all consuming. I am clearly self-medicating. When I don't give in, I go through a deep depression. After self-medicating and getting over the guilt, I feel better.
My mom was sent back to the hospital yesterday. She was in a physical rehab center for a while and now she's back in the hospital. She believes she doesn't have long and has been putting her affairs together. It's very sad; but it's an event that me and my brothers and sisters have seen coming for a long time. We always tried to change her ways in taking better care of herself; but she is too stubborn.
Yesterday I had a thought that I could go out to a club with friends who asked me if I knew a place to go. What a joke. That's how my mind plays games on me. I know that there is no way that I could go to a club without drinking. I have to stay away from these places completely; but those types of thoughts are the ones that get me. I'm having difficulty truly accepting that "I have to stay away from those places." It makes me feel less then.
