I have read a few things here and also experienced a few things this week that have made me think a lot about certain aspects of myself and my life.
A word that always springs to mind for me is 'searching' as I always feel I am looking for something.
When I look back on my younger days it seemed that I was incessantly searching for someone to 'save' me, I was brought up on fairy stories and yearned for the prince on a white horse to come and whisk me away, I looked high and low for that prince, I found a few frogs but the prince never came.
I also looked for escapism, from reality and the daily grind, I thought I was better than the everyday hum-drum. This is where alcohol played a king role.
As I got a little older I became unsure of exactly what it was I was searching for, but I was still doing it, moving from job to job, activity to activity with little or nothing to show for any of it, I felt like a butterfly, pausing anywhere for only a few seconds. The deep yearning became more intense as time went on for this elusive 'thing' for which I was seaching, where was it?
I knew in my heart that if I could only find it I would finally be 'happy'.
I also realise that I am still doing it. I am still searching today. Although I have settled in my relationship and in my home I am still searching, this time its for something deeper, something spiritual, but I still cant seem to find it.
I have spent the last few years reading about religion/spirituality etc and been to churches and spiritual sites around the world, even to Lourdes! I have tried to get in touch with my inner goddess, been kind to nature, prayed, meditated.....
'Searching'. Its a good word for where I am at in my thinking right now.
