Dear Relapse, I like the expression "We're all made equal but some are equaler than others". Don't tag yourself. You are not different than any other addict. The bottom line is you will die from this disease if left to your own devices. A life run on self will is doomed. You must surrender. You must be honest and admit that you need it and want it because you have reached that "jumping off point" where you can't live with the drugs and can't live without them. This is the stage of the illness where lots addicts/alcoholics surrender because they see bottom in sight. Try to keep an open mind and make a commitment to meetings. You will get free coffee and meet very interesting people. Listen to how it was for them and how it is now and you will want what they have. The trick is to come back long enough i.e.: getting lots of meetings under your belt, until you have faith that the program will work for you. One of my favorite speakers, Clint Hodge, said that "faith is a simple trust built on experience." That quote has been a keystone in my recovery. It was my first miracle in AA that I believed in something. I kept coming back long enough to see those coming in behind me proclaim the miracles as they gained sobriety. I have proof that this program will work to keep one dry just by osmosis. The beauty of the program is that it offers more. It offers sobriety (love that word) to those who not only stop drinking but who work the 12 steps. You get to choose the degree of help you want. I suggest the full Monty.
You are already learning in your "on and off" program. You have learned a sense of loyalty to the group ('I don't want to lie to my AA friends'. I‘m ‘ashamed to go back and tell them I slipped‘). You had a stretch of sobriety that lasted X number of days. That's a miracle. You could have lost those days like all the other lost days.
Without knowing much about you I am going to make some suggestions:
1) Remember this is a spiritual program. Very important concept. A friend in L.A., who's not an addict, is the most spiritual person I know who believes in the spirit of the universe. He prays to ocean, which he calls mother. He draws energy from this and is very successful. We must turn our lives over to a source and we must believe and as all believers know "all prayers will be answered.
2)Go to meetings daily. Get a home group. Let a small group of people get to know you.
3) Honesty, Commitment. When we are sober we must work this simple program with all our might. We must be led by this fellowship of men and women who are getting well and teaching others how. I took a test for the Postal Service years ago and I flunked it the first time. All the flunkies were told by a very wise Postmaster that...if we studied well for the test and flunked it we had a problem. If we hadn't studied, we had nothing to worry about, just go home and study and take it again. This is true for A.A and N.A.. If you do what you're told and relapse then you have a problem...but remember what the book says: "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has followed our path". And even these who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders recover if they have the capacity to be honest. So no one is left out of this program. We can all recover. We are all equal. The difference comes when one will not live the program (and we learn very quickly in A.A. and N.A. how to live the program). Ask yourself all the questions you need to ask about this relapse. Don't look where you fell, but where you slipped. There was a trail of banana peels a block long before you fell. Pick yourself up and start again. You've learned a lot along the way so this is not 10 steps forward and five steps back. It is, however, time to get honest.
4) Sponsorship. You know the importance of sponsorship. Get a good one with lots of years. They teach us not only how to stay sober but how to be men. Something our father didn't teach us. You can get all that stuff you missed in childhood thru a good sponsor by example and by lessons. They are not our therapists but you can get therapy if you observe their actions, listen to what they say, and do what they tell you. Get a temporary sponsor first (be up front and ask for a temporary sponsor) and continue to look and listen for the one who has what you want, then pounce on him.
5)Count later. Forget about sobriety dates. These dates become so important that it makes it difficult to get back on the horse if we fall. Don't count the years. Count the miracles. I'm serious. Write them down in a "miracle book". That reminds me of the next suggestion:
6) Journaling. Write down all the good things your doing, all the bad things too. Start today while it's fresh and write about the banana peel trail. What led to this slip and how can you fix it. Do this daily like a teenage girl.
7) Put Higher Power first and all else will fall into place.
8) Prayer. Prayer is meditation. It gives us relief from our cravings, anxiety, anger. Make yourself a prayer. Type it out in a Word Document. print it out. keep copies in the car and every place you'll need it. Make it a long one. Two or three pages. Include all the twelve step prayers (easily found in the pages I told you to read. There are also lots of suggestions on the internet.), Include a list of your character defects and ask your HP to remove them. Make a list of people you resent (you can add this after you complete step 4) and ask God to save you from the anger these cost you. Make a list of everyone you’ve harmed and ask God and to help you not repeat such behaviors. You will add this after Step 9. Mine is three pages and it continues to grow. In prayer we ask our HP to help us by making us what he wants us to be, not get us out of a jam.
Pick up this prayer and pray away the cravings, anger, anxiety. This is, of course, after you called that contact, after you've called your sponsor.
9) My last suggestion is therapy or counseling. I recommend looking for one who deals specifically with addiction. Learn all you can about yourself. We alcoholics come from dysfunction. We need to learn about shame and fear and where it all comes from. Some of us were not as fortunate as others when it came to inpatient recovery programs. There is much to be learned from these wise counselors who work in recovery programs (you know: treatment centers.) You can get it there or privately, but get it.
Good luck, Friend. I will pray for you and write me any time. Terry
Tags: Relapse
