So I'm really trying to start over. again.
Or... I really want to try to start over again. Who knows how realistic it's going to be this time.
It's still hard for me to fathom the idea that I was addicted to a person. Not a substance. A person, a routine. That it could affect me as much as alcohol or drugs could.
I dropped out of school to be with him. I thought that was what he wanted.
I was wrong.
Here i am a year and a half later. 17, i should be a junior in high school.
But I am not. I'm barely a sophomore.
I now resent the fact that I will not be going off to college when all my friends do. Before it didn't matter, I didn't have friends, I had him and he was all I needed.
When things ended with him, I found out how important friends are.
But now, hearing about all of the colleges they are looking at and taking the sats... makes me feel so lonely.
up until recently, it didn't bother me very much that everyone was at school making new friends every day. I could only think of the panic that i felt while at school. All of the stress from the work. All the times I had to leave-- to be with him.
When things were rocky with him, I stayed home from school. Just in case he called me. I was always available. The same reason I didn't make plans or have any friends- What if he called? What would I do?
If I hang up the phone he might not call back.
The anxiety was more than i could bear.
Feeling that sort of anxiety at school was just no longer an option.
And as much as my mother would like to blame it on me being sick, I think she knows in her heart the REAL reason I left- the words I can't say.
I couldn't stand to be away from him.
Anyways, unfortunately my mom and I had a fight. I can't help but resent her for letting me drop out of school. At the moment, it was the best decision she could have made. She was terrified I was going to kill myself.
But in the scheme of things- it was a terrible decision. I am 17 with a 9th grade education.
I want to go to college, but the thought of school makes me break out in a rash.
I wish i were stronger. Then i could take the blame for all of it.
I have started homeschooling again- I take classes online.
But i have forgotten how hard it is. And of course, I am a perfectionist. Which makes it oh so much more fun.
It's a rocky start. Hopefully I can continue to push myself to finish.
I just really need some support.
Tags: Reflective
