tomorrow is my birthday. I should be excited i guess.

But i am not. I couldn't even tell you why, really.

..I guess i have an idea.

Lots of drama has happened in the past week or so.

I haven't spoken with him now for three months. But his girlfriend and bestfriend have both talked to me about him.
they both know we haven;t spoken. Obviously those were some confusing phone calls/text messages.

 But i'm trying to put those in the past and think about waht's happening now.

Nothing's happening now.

Nothing except for my birthday, i guess.

While going out with my friend to celebrate my pre-birthday i gave her some bad directions and where did we end up?

In front of his work. And there it was, his car in the parking lot. That was the closest I've been to him in the past four months. It was strange. But i felt like it was something i had seen a million times and that it was no big deal- relieving almost.

Like when he didn't call for a few days and i would have someone take me out there and drive past to see if his car was there or not. If it was i would sigh in relief and hope hecalled. If it wasn't i would shrug it off but then return home and call him until he picked up, which was usually right before i would completely lose it. 

Either way

I didn't bother me too much to see his car. It wasn't until about 20 minutes ago, that it hit me. and It hit me pretty hard. That was the closest I've been to him in months. I just want to call him and see him and talk to him. I'm just so curious about his life. I guess no matter how horrible he was to me  I just can;t stop thinking about him. He's always going to be this huge part of my life. And to stop talking to him entirely is just so strange to me still.  

I  know what you're going to say I'm better off without him. Yeah i agree with you 100% but that can't stop me from thinking what could have happened.

I guess seeing that he still exists is a weird feeling for me. Lik ei have pushed him in the back of my mind for so long that i pretend he was never there. But seeing his car was physical proof.

According to his girlfriend and best friend he isn't happy. And this kills me. Not because i want to be with him. But knowing that he isn't happy. I wish he was. He said not being with me would make him happy. And when i finally accepted that it made me happy for him knowing his life would be better without me. But knowing/sort of knowing that it is not kills me. I just care about people too much, especially him.

I'm trying to be positive about it all.

But just before i sat down to write this, i went into my room to look for something in a drawer.

And i found the jewelry box I hid from myself over six months ago. And i took out the ring and i put it on my finger. where it had been for two years.  

And with that, I found the necklace he gave me for our first valentine's day three years ago,

and with that, I found the bracelet he suprised me with last year, on my birthday.

And i thought about that birthday and how happy i was.

He gave me this really cute purse, which i absolutely loved but i was confused because he never gave me purses. Then i saw the card and i read it, and  it said, "if you haven't already, check the pockets." and inside was this beautiful diamond bracelet.

It was the sweetest thing he ever did. And i made sure he knew it. And when i told him that and how i had been upset because we had been talking less and less he said, "well, i like to think of our relationship like this: you're hanging over a cliff holding on to a rope that i am holding, and i let it slip sometimes, but then i pull it back up and everything's okay again."

i don't know.

i just think tomorrow is going to be difficult for me.

I need to take off all this jewelry. I hope no one sees me wearing it. 

Tags: Lonely