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A New Realization
Posted On: 01/24/2008 23:23:17

Finally, after many months and maybe even more than a year of thinking about all of this, I have come to realize a few things.
 
Even though I am a member of this site and consider myself to have a problem with codependency and have even at times called myself an addict, I have never actually compared myself to the rest of you.

After some recent events, I have realized that I sympathize with anyone out there dealing with addictions.
 
I am not addicted to any substance or any particular behavior. (I have even tried to addict myself to cigarettes and have been unsuccessful)
 
Unfortunately, I am addicted to a person. A person who is as detrimental to my health as much as any drug I could ever imagine.
As much as I want to give him up, I cannot. No matter how many times he hurts me and pushes me away, the second he comes back. I can't help but want to go back.
I have tried "recovery" more times than I can imagine.
If I only had a dollar for every time i deleted his number from my cell phone or disposed of all the items that remind me of him..
 
I know how bad he is for me. But I just can't seem to help myself.
All he does is hurt me and all I have ever done is love him too much.
 
I talk a big game and say that if he were to come back, I would walk away, or not pick up the phone.
But how do you just ignore something that used the be your whole life?
How do you get the thoughts of him or whatever it is you are addicted to, out of your head?

I thought i knew where to start andhow to deal.
But when it comes down to it, I have no backbone when it comes to keeping him away and keeping myself safe, happy and healthy.
 
I can only smack my head against the wall so many times for falling into his trap again.
 
I don't want to be sad anymore and I don't really feel that I am.
I am unbelievably disappointed in myself for going back- again and again and again..
 
It seems that every time I finally decide that I have moved on, he comes back. And every single time I fall for it.
 
And I honestly can't say that if at this very moment, he were to tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me, if I could really honestly and truly resist the temptation.
 
I want to tell you all this because I need you to understand the severity, because I know you all do.
A simple "you are so much better than that." or a "You know much better than that/ you don't need that in your life." or a "he doesn't deserve you." really doesn't cut it for me anymore.
 
I want to get better. I need to get better. But I guess I have finally realized I don't know where the h*ll? to start.
  

Tags: Reflective



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Viewing 1 - 4 out of 4 Comments

From: Nia
02/26/2008 16:30:42

You can work the steps around being powerless over people, seems like you are close to taking that first step-I thought I couldn't live without my first boy friend- I identified with what you are saying! I bottomed out with it many times before I finally let go. Best wishes, Nia

From: Chance
01/27/2008 20:37:33

By the looks of what you've written here, when you say that you don't know where in the h*ll to start ... just remember, you HAVE started. You ARE on your way, and the fact that you can so eloquently put into words your predicament and struggle shows everyone here that you CAN and DO focus on living in the solution.

You're gaining your footing. 

It seems to me that you are a very strong and intelligent young woman. Your ability to so clearly express yourself is an inspiration, and something many of us can only hope for. Seriously, thank you for sharing it. 

Hang in there. Whether you realize it or not, you're making progress. 



From: DennisS
01/25/2008 08:27:02

I spent 38 years not being able to pass up a drink. My whole life eventually was centered around that bottle. That would be considered an unhealthy fixation by any normal person. Dozens of people told me I needed to quit, but until I was ready that wasn't going to happen.

     DG has some good things for a start on "letting go". Here is another link: http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/articles/Article/Is-this-Love-or-Emotional-Dependency-/36

And no, it isn't easy. Don't give up on you....

Dennis

From: DisgruntledGurl
01/25/2008 03:10:23

Boy, can I relate with what you're going through. And you're right... Hearing 'you are better', 'you deserve better', et al, isn't what you need to to hear. It isn't going to do you any good anyway - until you come to believe it.

I can't tell you how many years I've stayed in a bad situation (and subjected my kids to it). It has taken me a long time to understand that what I thought was love, was, in reality, attachment and dependency. The worse I was treated, the more I tried to 'fix'. It was a never ending cycle of sick dysfunction and codependency that eventually cost me my kids. That was my rock bottom.

A friend of mine once said: 3 things happen in relationships and only 3

  1. People get healthy together
  2. People get sick together or unhealthy
  3. People split apart 

Here are some online resources that might help you get going with your recovery:
Codependents Anonymous
Joy2MeU - codependency recovery
Coping with Life's Stressors (check links under the Adults' Tool Box)
Woman Saver's Relationship Articles (list)

Remember, you'll get out of it what you put into it. Hang in there and good luck in your recovery!


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