It is so nice to have people here that really do love and support me... even with Tuff love... Love me enuf to make it hurt. People who are here for me in my pain... but will not put up with one bit of my BS and will call me on it. I believe my BS... really i do... and the slaps across the face sometimes... hurt... i d0 not want to accept responsibility... But Thank you... ALL my Friends... for being here with me along this journey.
I had an fall about a week ago...and was caught up in desparately wanting to be accepted and Loved and coddled. i don't understand all the particulars of other people's 'drug of choice". i DO know that mine is Sex./Relationship addiction ..but more than that... it involves obessive behavior.. Looking for that person du jour to take all the pain away! DAMMIT.... Not that person's 'yab, man" (Sorry, i am from LA... and many of the people from my area adopted this accent when they would retort "Not my Job, MAN!")
And whose job is it??? it is for me to turn all my problems... all my hopes and dreams... all my pain, my sin, my shame.... over to the care of my Higher Power.... Do i do this>>> "ell no! i say i do... i want to Want to WANT to.. put i give it to HIM... and then take it all back and look for my god of choice to be that for me....
Without getting Too hung up on this S:K* it slinging on me... cuz i can really get into degrading my self... and this too, can be addictive.. and then another reason to sin~!
i will say that i was wrong... that I have looked to someone to be for me what that person is not supposed to be. I have looked to a person to take the pain away. This is NOT a BAD/or wrong thing necessarily.
and the youtube channel is playing.... This is your life... by Swithchfoot...
"this is your life. and today is all you got now
don't close your eyes... this is your Life
.. are you Who YOU Want to Be?.."
time to take it and move on.
and now i hear...
:the River Song by Brian Doerksen
"to the River, I am going, Bringing sins i cannot Bear///
.... Lord I need to meet you There...
and in these Waters... Precious Freedom from Despair,,
Precious Jesus... i am ready to surrender every Care..!"
Deep breath/. Breathe in Freedom... Breathe out Pain... This is not a Quick FIX... One Day at a Time... One Moment at a Time... I thot at a time...
Father God... I admit that i am powerless over my life... over the effects of childhood and adult sexual abuse done to me. I am powerless over my looking for people /love / acceptance in all the wrong places and faces...my life is Unmanagable... I am scared!
I believe that Only You can fix the mess... as i turn my will and my life over to You...
Forgive me for choosing to dishonour You and look to someone else to meet these needs... Help me to turn to You...
Restore to me, I pray, the Joy of my Salvation
Another song... from youtube plays: "YET I WILL PRAISE YOU"
even when my heart is torn... I will Praise you Lord
Even when i feel Deserted, i will praise you Lord
and when my world is shattered and it seems i can't go one
yet, I will Praise you Lord!
jodyB
Tags: AddictionSurrender
