I'm so mad right now I could spit nails. My ex after 17 years knows how to push my buttons. Knows how to hurt me and he's done a good job tonight. Did I mention I drank myself to death because of him? Bad excuse, but, it got me out of the painful emotions I was carrying for so long. I was trained to be his. I cooked, cleaned, kept house, did laundry, shopped, did bills, did errands, raised our daughter, did all the running for her, had the bed made, bathrooms and dishes done. I shopped for sales so I wouldn't spend too much, but he'd go on $6,000 hunting trips with the "boys". If I bought a new outfit, I'd get slammed for spending too much. I bought my clothes at the outlet stores and garage sales. He bought his boat, motorcycle and had his pool and hot tub done. I didn't need those things. I was too busy picking up and cleaning and catering to everyone who came over to party with him. Oh, and I worked full-time as a teacher so I had papers to grade, lessons to plan. If I didn't have dinner, I was scolded, if his clothes weren't picked up off the floor and the bed not made, I was yelled at. If I didn't have his beer or food in the house, I was yelled at. Opps, I cooked and was tired from work so I sat down without doing the dishes, crap, yelled at again. He did whatever he wanted. Needless to say, I drank and drank, and drank cuz I had to get away. He drank, so he didn't care, as long as things were done. I got stuff done cuz I had a nice buzz and I was going 90 miles every night and day. Sleep, what's sleep? Fun on the weekends, what fun?What did I do for me? Nothing, I, his slave and was there for my daughter. After moving me and building a house on acres of land, he decided I drank too much, he didn't. He didn't have enough time to hunt, motorcycle ride, fish and do guy things, he had to do what "he" wanted to do without me complaining that he wasn't there for me and my daughter. So, he got rid of me. He divorced me 2 years ago. Gee, I'm 1 year 8 months sober, no husband, sober, Gee. He did ask me to come back, guess he decided he hated cleaning, cooking and doing things and not having time for him. Oh my, his girlfriend moved in right after we separated, I guess he got another slave. I knew better not to fall for it again.
But he still hurts me deeply. Our daughter is going to Europe this summer and she's supposed to raise money. I told him that it wasn't a good idea because I couldn't go in on half. Teachers+money= barely making it.
He calls me tonight all yelling at me cuz $3,000 is due on our daughter's bill and he can't pay it. Oh, did I tell you he's bought 2 acres of land and is having his "new" house built. I'm in an interest only home, making no equity. Hanging on each teacher penny, still buying clothes at 75% off at outlet stores.
So, I'm crying, upset and pissed as hell cuz once again, he's gotten to me at our daugther's expense. He's so unreal. I'm so mad I wanted to punch the computer, but then I couldn't get to this site to vent and talk to my friends who care.
I guess I'm calm now. It's just too much. Holidays are hard, being on my own is hard, my daughter deserves more and he's a jerk about everything.
I guess I'm done-again. I hate getting this upset about him. He still pisses me off, still hurts me, still a jerk. yada, yada, yada!
Oh Lord, help me to forgive him, help me to carry on in your plan for me. Grant me peace so I can sleep tonight because I have a really busy day tomorrow.
Thanks to anyone who reads this. I had to get this off my chest. I won't let it go though, it's not over. He'll be nagging at me, but at least I can pray and not pick up a drink over it now. My mind will crawl with my emotions of past shit. Upcoming s**t from him and just s**t. S**T. s**t. Yes, teachers can cuss. I hate it, but I'm mad. Sorry.
OK, I'm rambling and I'm gonna stop. Breathe, Breathe. OK, fine. 
Love to all. God loves you and so do I,
Tina
Tags: Angry
