I've always known that I've done things that have harmed others. I put off doing the 4th Step because I already knew what I would write. I kept those secrets in journals that I burned year-to-year (to get rid of the past). Because I wrote them so many times (starting a journal over again, just to burn it when the following year). I've gone to confession (I'm Catholic) annually and was forgiven of my sins.

Why rehash all these journals and confessions?

Sunday afternoon, I was surfing the SoberRecovery forums and read "Just Do It!" I did it - Step 4!

I wrote them out! Finally! But, I got confused about those Resentments.

I went through these with my sponsor (the 5th Step), and admitted my confusion. When we got to "my part" - I really had some resentments that were others faults. When I shared these, my sponsor was able to help me identify my faults.

i.e. I had this gal that continuously stole from me. I always forgave her. We hung out, she "borrowed" money, she "borrowed" things, and our friendship ended when she stole my credit card from my house.

Here I was avoiding retaliation or argument with my "friend" for not returning my things...I was trying to be helpful by forgiving, but she keeps stealing from me... I was trying to be kind and tolerant of her actions.

I was angry with her and resent her for taking advantage of my goodness.

But what was I doing wrong? Where was I to blame?

My sponsor helped me identify my codependency issues: I was self-seeking, looking for friends ("in all the wrong places"). I wanted friends; I would rather have friends steal from me, than have no one at all. That led me into "hanging out with the wrong crowd" all the time.

Whew!

I'm glad I'm here - and I'll keep coming back!

Tags: Secrets Step4 Love Resentment