I've been feeling quite depressed this week. I go to class but don't really speak much. I just do what I have to do to get good marks and finish my assignments. When I get home from college I get into bed and sleep for about four hours, then do some things around the house, see my boyfriend and go to bed again for the night. I don't feel like smiling today. It seems like such an effort. Maybe the depression has to do with the fatness I percieve myself to have. I just see FAT, FAT, FAT!

Everythingseems like a mission. I've been taking my meds every day so I don't know what's happening. It just seems that I will always be depressed and unhappy, feeling sorry for myself. I didn't go to the meeting tonight. I don't want to see people. I want to escape. I went to OA last night and found a needle outside the church. It really freaked out my head. Insanity. I threw it away but part of me wanted to keep it despite the fact that it was
a dirty needle. I wondered if there was any residue left in the needle and if I mixed it with water and shot up if I would feel anything. I sat in the OA meeting wondering
if all this is worth it. I felt sick of everything I have to do to stay clean. It is hard work and I am tired.

I also thought about my eating disorder. Maybe I can just accept it. Accept that I will always have an eating disorder and that I'll never get rid of it. Accept it as part of my life for ever. While I was lying next to my boyfriend last night I felt so alone and hurt. I thought that I could kill myself and sleep forever.

I know I am very negative tonight. I trust that it will be better tomorrow. We all have good and bad days in recovery, then this must be a bad day. And it's okay, I'm not acting out on my insane thoughts and I'm getting them out. My Higher Power will look after me tonight.

Tags: Depressed