This program has taught me that I have choices today.  Sometimes those choices are hard and uncomfortable.

Today I am feeling sad and disappointed.  I am facing making a decision and it's one that is hard for me.

Someone who has quit a bit more time than me and, has in the past few months become dear to me and been there for me told me something yesterday that goes against not only the principles of this program but against my morals and ethics and against everything I believe in. 

She told me that she had a prescription of narcotic meds and that she didn't want them and that she was going to sell them.  She says not to an active memeber of NA but to an active addict.  This completly blew me out of the water.  I confronted her on it and told her I was uncomfortable about what she said.  She proceeded to tell me that she needed the money and that she had done it before.  I was still like I don't know about that.  She then said she was going to call her sponsor.  I was happy with that.  She did call and right in front of me.  She told me that her sponsor told her as long as it wasn't sold to another member of NA that it was ok.  I was (in my mind) like ooooook!!! 

So, I leave her house and have time to think about it.  Still finding myself not liking it.  Now mind you I understand that she is an addict, but this is someone that I take advice from.  So, I call her when I get home and tell her that I would like to talk to her and I actually needed to call her back.  In the meantime she calls me back within minutes and says that she wanted to let me know that she flushed what she had down the toilet.  She also said that she did it for me.  That also bothered me because she need not do it for me.  I feel she should have done it for herself. 

The problem I have, is now I need to distance myself from her and change the kind of relationship we have.   This is really hard for me because I love this woman and she has been there for me.  But, I am working to change my way of life and that is not the kind of road I want to walk down.  I can't take that ride.   I know and believe my disease is DEADLY!!! 

But, like I said today I have choices.

Tags: Disappointed