Hey there online family!!!  I am in so much emotional pain.  I don't know what to do with it all!!! 

A week ago Monday I got a call that my mom passed away.  She lived right around the corner from me in an skilled nursing home.  Yes, she had alot chronic illnesses but, this was unexpected.  The doctor was even surprised. 

I am up and then I am down.  I am sideways and feel like I have too many emotions going on.  I can't even describe them!!!

The good thing is that I got a chance to be there and show up for my mom and be her advocate.  I got to make my ammends.  My ammends was the only way I could make up for what I put her through was to live a good life and stay clean!!!! 

I miss my mommy and I am in so much pain.  Agony!!!  Sometimes I feel as though I am ok...strong and ready to live life....which I am.  But, then there are times I feel my heart is too heavy!!

What the hell is going on with me?!? 

I want to live life to the fullest.  I can feel my HP working in my life to the fullest extent.  I want to change.  I don't want to stay the same.  Which, is were my disease tells me I will remain!!  I want to be happy, happy, happy...I want to be healthy and I want to go back to school to become a Drug and Alcohol Councelor.  I am ready!!!  I want to do it for me and my family and for my mom!!!  I don't want to wind up like my mom and have all kinds of illnesses.  So, I must take care of myself.

I can't say that I haven't wanted to use because that would be a lie.  But, I refuse to break that promise.  My grandfather once told me "Promises aren't meant to be broken!!!"  And, I have a HP and that HP is working in my life.  If I can walk through this I can pretty much walk through anything!!

I am proud of myself, because this was one of my reservations.  And, I want to stay CLEAN!!!  I hope that I can help someone with what I am going through.  That is my life's goal is to help others.  It always have been.

Tags: Sad