Are You A Good Listener?

-it is a learned skill

I was a school day yesterday amongst other things. Thursday is a day I continue to take to focus on my own personal development.

Our lecture yesterday was on listening, a part of the core skills that are essential to coaching.

While going through the lecture, I was reminded, listening is an art, something learned through practice, and something I have a lot of room to improve. The focus has to be beyond what we’re listening to; it has to include what we’re listening for. Good listening is a gift.

I’ve been involved in mentoring and coaching for many years, and have always tried to be a good listener. I am aware that many times, while someone else was talking, I had a thought in my head that I was just waiting to get out, and I know now that that causes a defocus on listening to the other person.

In my chosen career, and in the service work I do, the better a listener I become, the better I am at doing my share, and my role should be “limited” in the talking I do.

During our lecture, listening was broken down into four levels-cosmetic, conversational, active and deep. These levels go from cosmetic (appear to listen, but somewhere else) to deep (more focused on you than me, hear who you are). Obviously in coaching and mentoring we want to be “deep” listeners. As stated, this is a learned skill, one am working on through exercises.

In reviewing my lecture notes, and reflecting upon them, there is a shocking truth that comes out.

One of the big things I felt in life, at least to well into my 40’s, was that frequently no one really listened to me. On the reverse, I could relate to cosmetic and conversational listening. I know I cared deeply enough to “actively” listen in some situations (but not when the situation was negatively directed at me) and had moments where I listened deeply, but far too few. Can others relate?

It sort of a sad statement that there are so many in this world who need to be heard on a far deeper level than occurs daily. How many of us walk around saying “doesn’t anyone ever listen, doesn’t anyone hear what I’m saying?’. As noted earlier, we all need someone who knows what to listen for, who listens beyond the surface.

Look around at the various occupations that have evolved where the principle role of the trained professional is to listen. Look into your own life and the lives of those you are close to. How many have a place where they are truly heard, yet it is essential that each of us be heard.

I think the topic of listening and active practice is something that should be taught in a formal sense at a fairly early stage in life. Listening, as I’ve learned over the years through people I’ve had as professionals and close associates in my life, is truly a gift. I’ve also learned that it is a gift that can be gained through being aware and practicing skill drills. I’m committed to life long improvement as a listener.

So some food for thought, upon reflection, are you a good listener? Who are the great listeners in your life?

Tags: Keith H Bray Addictions Recovery Coach Life Purpose Coach Life Transfor