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I_am_tainted_too
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I SMOKED!!
Posted On: 05/23/2007 20:58:44

I went to therapy today. Wound up feeling worse when I got outta there. She wanted me to talk about losin the baby. (I call her Jasmine) I broke down. I know it's good to get these things out but it seems when I talk about them, it makes all my sadness resurface. Anyway, I wanted a smoke SO bad after that, and I did smoke. When I got back to work, my "ex" that I contracted the STD from and had lost her from wants to walk up and say "sup?" when he could very well see I was attempting to let him pass me without a word. After that, I had another mild panic attack and started shaking and I smoked another cigarette.It had become sort of a way to control my crying spells, so now what do I do instead? I may talk to my psychiatrist next visit about getting a perscription to help with quitting. I really don't want my son seeing me smoke or thinking it is ok to do it. Plus, it smells on my clothes and my hair.

Anyway, I don't know why I allow myself to get all worked up over him and everything that I went through with him. I have been through alot in life and nothing has ever effected me quite like this. Makes me feel weak and pathetic.

Tags: Disappointed



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Viewing 1 - 5 out of 5 Comments

From: theoriginaltwist
11/13/2007 08:56:35

I used to hate hearing 'It gets better' all the time in and around the rooms. But low and behold, it really does. It just takes time. The only thing I could do was ride it out and not kick myself in the ass for not being superman. I had to accept being human and making mistakes. I'm not weak, I'm not pathetic, I'm just human. With the passage of time I hadn't even noticed the changes, it just hit me one day out of the blue. I said to myself "Hey, I don't feel like a shitbag today! I didn't feel like one yesterday, or the day before that. Hmmm, I wonder when that happened."

They were right, as long as I continue as best I can to do right, even if I screw up now and then, it does get better. 

From: Empress
05/30/2007 13:08:58
Everyone feels like that at times...the important thing is to remember that no one is weak and pathetic...we just need to take all things ONE DAY AT A TIME!  Take care!  =)


From: daddysgirl
05/26/2007 04:44:27

I will be the third person to say... YOU ARE NOT WEAK AND PATHETIC!!! There, did you get the point??  You have been through SOOOOOO much, at least you did not get wasted over the issues in your life...  Yes, the time will come and be right for you to quit smoking, but one step at a time, sister.  Ease up on yourself.  you are still grieving and you cannot expect yourself to be super woman immediately. 

It has been a few days since you wrote this, I do hope all is a bit better for you.  Sorry I didn't read it sooner.  I would've sent you big huge hugs sooner....  Be proud of yourself, you have been through a lot and have yet to drink over it.  That is the most important thing right now.  Smoking can be next, but focus on sobriety and serenity right now.  I hope you will have a wonderful weekend.  Keep your chin up!!  Luv, Sissy

From: jd
05/24/2007 05:54:30

You are not weak and pathetic.  So you smoked.  Just don't drink!  One battle at a time.  I would get upset talking about loss.  A loss of a child, a loss of carefree sex, a loss of trust.  That stinks that you work w/ someone that has caused a lot of life pains.  I give you a lot of credit.  That takes strength and faith - in who you are and your HP.

Hold your head high.  Look where you are and realize where you could be w/o your faith and self strength.

I love ya!  I hope today is a better day for you.

From: godluvsall
05/24/2007 05:27:09
You are not weak and pathetic sweetie. We are all human. Life is filled with BS.  We need to learn how to handle it that's all. I've had my share of panic attacks and worry. Don't beat yourself up. You are trying to better yourself and that's what is important. You are a very caring mother and that takes guts. So, hold you head up and smile. In time, you will become stronger!



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