Guess it has been a while since I have written.
Not sure if I can say I am good, or better- suppose I am.
I am not taking my meds, I should - it costs so much...and as any compulsive spender can tell you, money is hard to come by when you have recently had a manic episode.
It's hard to have all these issues in your head...compulsive spending, depression, hoarding (my newest addition), sexual issues...the list goes on and on for me. The hard part is....if someone else is not going through it, or is not familiar atleast, it is really hard to talk about. And really hard for them to understand, because with mental illness- you cannot see it...and you cannot always see it's result. Everyone hides their issues to the majority of the world, atleast until it explodes in their face. My alcoholic father's mountain of beer cans in his room is a prime example. And although if anyone were to ever SEE the result of my hoarding, they would probably think I was lazy- my other issues are harder to see. You cannot see when I am depressed, or spending bill money on non-sense that I must believe I need at the time. And it is hard to tell someone how to fix it. That, I guess is the part that is like my father's alcoholism...people who do not understand want to say"why can't you just stop drinking? Put down the beer, dont buy it anymore." And for me, "just don't spend money that you need for bills", or "just clean up your house" "just don't have sex with anyone who you feel attracted to" Wish it were that simple.
It's funny, now that I am on a new schedule at work...I have a lot of older ladies as co-workers who, well, some of us like to call "old-school" They like to gossip about others, people who work there or people that did....even down to movie stars they read about in US weekly and swear they know everything about them. One of them was talking about hoarding the other day, how they had an aunt who lived like that and how awful it was. Guess I can't disagree, but they talk about it like they could just easily get up one day and clean up....they have just been avoiding it their whole life. Or they enjoy living like that. Trust me, they don't. But to avoid becoming a whisper is someone's ear later that day, I kept my mouth shut. There was another conversation that took place yesterday about people who are bi-polar, how crazy they are and things they do. How none of them can function, keep a job, make it on their own, etc. I had to jump in on that one and let myself be known as one with bi-polar. That I take meds for it (or am suppose to) and how it can be hard because the meds are high and make you feel like someone else....which is why most do not stick with them. I suppose I am just more comfortable with that issue that I have, or perhaps just more defensive.
 For some, it can take several therapists and med combinations before they have found the right one, and this can cost money that many of us do not have, especially by the time we have figured out there is a problem. Manic episodes can cause you to lose things...friends, family, finances. And that is just the bi-polar part....throw in my sexual tendancies, hoarding (nastiest house you could ever imagine, but will never see) and the fact that I contracted an incurable STD over a year ago....along with normal people's obstacles, like work stress, single motherhood, no child support, no family support, bills, etc- and you have me. Seems a little overwhelming at times because any one of these issues would need to be approached one day at a time...how do you approach all at one time? Seems impossible, but if I address one and not the other, something will have to go on the back burner, causing it to fester.

So.....here I am, this ticking time bomb that I cannot allow to detinate because if it does....my son has nowhere or no one to go to. Sometimes, I just hope I can hang in there until he is out of high school, maybe college - then I can explode and he will be ok. But, question is - with all the different kinds of crazy swimming around inside me, how much is effecting him now? Quite a bit, I am sure. Sometimes, too, I think if I did have that family support system, or even friends (ones that I see on the daily- no offense, guys) that I would have given up this fight a long time ago and let him go stay with someone that would be better for him. And there have been times when I just want to go to the crazy house and let them lock me in for a month or two, just to regroup....but where would he go? DSS? Foster care? I just cannot do that to him.

So, I am trapped here in my craziness, and I have trapped my son in here with me. Hope he makes it out ok.